Meathead Monologue

compared to your lover

i can not kiss you.
i think i just want to be your friend.
you do not entice me anymore than he does.
i just want to be your friend.
i would converse with you our likeness,
rather than our love.
i would say hello to you, rather than a kiss on your cheek.
i would be your friend, rather than another lover.
there is not a fiber in my bones, nor a inkling in my mind
that would wish to hold you as a lover would.
i do not wish for that, and i realized this today,
as i gazed upon your face.
as i gazed upon your stoic face that was thinking and working harder than i knew;
i could not burn it into my brain no matter how hard i tried.
i could not pin it to my heart that you are someone i could touch.
i realized, no matter what happened in middle school,
no matter how fast my heart may beat when you say hello to me,
no matter the ache in my chest when i find myself alone with you.
no matter to the past-no matter!
all that matters is now.
and i can not be with you now.
i can not hold you, love you, kiss you now.
i can not be yours now.
but i can be a friend.
i can be your friend and you can be mine.
because i would rather smile and laugh
than duck and blush.
i would rather shove you jokingly
than caress you lovingly.
do you understand this?
can a boy like you comprehend what a girl like me is asking for?
can a boy like you make me believe what i am telling you is true?
i would rather be your friend than be your lover.
ah, but compared to your lover-
and i assume as much-
a friend is nothing to you.
so you hear that?
i can be your nothing.
now, please, make me believe this is true.

r.k.