Meathead Monologue

god spoke to her that morning

i was having a bad day for the first time in a while,
just a few weeks ago.
i did not care much or think of it when you asked
if you could put me on your prayer list.
i thought you naive to think something like a measly prayer, a whisper into the void, could fix it.
but that morning when i walked into class and you told me
"this is going to sound crazy but i have to tell you this, god spoke to me this morning about you."
i thought you were crazy. and i thought you were stupid.
i didn't want to hear what a church girl thought some false god said to her,
no matter that it was about me,
i did not want to hear it.
but my mind and body disobeyed like they always do,
and i listened to her words immediately.

"you are extremely unsatisfied with your life.
you have no idea where it is going
but you keep going because you don't know
what else to do.
he wants you to know he didn't create you
for uncertainty.
he created you with a plan and a purpose.
because you are a plan and you are a purpose.
and he loves you."

and i looked at this girl, whose name was
nevaeh-
heaven backwards.
and i looked at this angel of girl and i smiled widely,
realizing my heart loved what she'd said,
and my mind wanted to hear it again and again.
i could feel my heart tighten and release as my eyes formed wrinkles,
as i smiled so brightly at her.
for the first time in a while i felt needed.
i didn't feel insignificant.
she offered the blessing on a piece of paper and
i took it gratefully.
i carry it with me every day.
but that moment in time when we sat next to each other in our foreign language class,
i felt like crying. i felt like hugging her,
this girl i barely knew,
because she said to me what my heart needed to hear.
she had said what i couldn't bear to admit to myself.
no matter whether i believed it or not.
how god spoke to her, i will never know.
if god even spoke to her, i will never know.
the thought remains in my head:
why tell her, and not me?
why not come to the root of the problem
and snip it in the bud?
why did god talk to her that morning instead of me,
the one who was hurting?
either way, i appreciate the effort of this god they all believe.
i appreciate the effort his angels put in.
oh, how i am thankful for their hidden kindness.
had i known i was sitting next to one since the beginning
i would have asked sooner.
but it was perfectly timed with easing the sudden and rupturing pain in my heart.
no matter who god spoke to, he had a message for me.
and he was going to get it to me no matter what.
this god, who i am not sure even exists, sent a message to me
through an angel.
because god didn't speak to me that morning,
no, he spoke to navaeh.

r.k.