Meathead Monologue

out of time

as i lay in bed, i become more and more painfully aware
of the time slowly slipping through the gaps of my fingers.
my mind like a strainer, time like sand.
eventually there is nothing left in my head, nothing left to scavenge.
and i am left to hunt for seconds, minutes, hours.
just so i can lay in bed a bit longer than usual. so i can sleep in a little later.
joints become rusty and sooner or later i fall apart.
it's all pain now.
physical pain in my limbs, reminding me that i have to go to bed on time, not too late.
reminding me that if i don't get up early, i won't get the day right.
if i sleep in a bit too much, my work is gone.
my inspiration out the door.
still, i always seem to let time go.
as i hold it's flimsy hand in mine, i conclude it's made of rubber for me.
flexible and bendy, for me.
so i can sleep in. and stay up late. and not get things done when they need to be.
i have books to read, i have art to make, i have songs to write, i have friends to love, i have a body to take care of.
i have a body to take care of.
and yet, as my sweat pools in my pink bed,
i lay. knowingly.
as my time slips, i lay, knowingly.
knowingly, i decay in my bedroom on the carpeted floor that my parents don't like.
because the bathroom is no longer a safe place for me.
so i waste away in the ocean of white noise that my bedroom floor provides.
the only warmth in my life comes from my room.
sure i have hands to hold and arms that can hug me.
but my bedroom floor is there for me
when i fall.
and time is never on my side anymore.
it watches from my window pane,
as i wrap my own hands around my throat, telling myself to wake up next morning at the break of dawn.
and if i don't, i'll be sorry.
i'll be sorry.
time doesn't make a move to save my body.
my bedroom floor can only catch me.
and i can only die alone in my room.
close your eyes, now.
close them.
can you imagine it? me, laying, hands clasped together, eyes closed, stomach up.
then, ribs inverted, spinal cord snapped, shins split, head busted, heart broken. out of time.
out of time.
out of time.
out of time.
out of time
out of ti

r.k.