AvNeil - LIFELINE (COMPLETED)✓

Avni

STAGES OF GRIEF

You know how they say that woman experience a roller coaster of emotions such as numbness, disbelief, anger, guilt etc. when they miscarry a baby even if the pregnancy ended very early?

And also, you know how they say that there are five stages of grief right?

Well, I have gone through it all.

When I woke up at the hospital, and saw all of my family members, the first thing that s=came to my mind was my baby. Imagine my shock when I was told that it is dead.

I remember going still and empty In shock.

During the days that I stayed without reacting to anything or anyone, the only thing that was going inside my head was;

"This can't be happening"

I was in a denial zone. I didn't want to believe what was been told to me and what everyone else believes.

I had just gotten to know about the baby, it can't just be gone. Not just like that.

All those long hours I sat in the quietness of my room with Neil and other family member trying to cheer me up with me completely not reacting, I just kept on repeatedly thinking about the same thing.

I thought;

"Maybe I am still pregnant.

Maybe the doctors where wrong.

Maybe it is because the pregnancy is very early so the doctors might have missed it"

Maybe! Maybe!! Maybe!!!

I just wanted to believe that my baby was still alive and still inside me.

I knew that I was hurting my family member, especially neil, but at that moment I could only think about myself.

My pain

My hurt

My emotions

My baby.

Now that I think about it, I know that I sound selfish, but at that time I really didn't care.

I came back to my senses when I felt Neil crying on me.

The feel of his tears sipping through my dress on my thigh made something inside me to finally react.

It was at that moment that I seem to remember that it wasn't just about me, it is about all of us especially US that is I and Neil.

I seem to remember that it was also his baby too.

That he is also in pain.

I broke down with him.

In all the time that I have known Neil, I have always known him as a strong man, seeing him breakdown like that just snapped me out of my denial mode.

Everything just seemed real at that time.

We held each other, each just as broken as the other.

We found comfort in each other's arms.

It was like we just wanted an assurance that we still had each other.

The morning after our big breakdown, I started to feel angry and depressed and also guilty.

I was angry because I just feel I didn't deserve what I happened to me.

I just kept on thinking;

"Why me?"

"This is not fair!"