I didn't say anything about the pain I felt. Micah was asleep, it's the first time I've seen him sleep since I told him about the baby. I sat up, watching him. Another pain comes. I groan, kicking my legs over the bed.
Maybe I was too young. Maybe my life was meant to turn out like this, having a child with this man. A man I find it hard to trust these days. But he was here. With me. And our soon to be child.
My hand presses into a now soaked mattress.
My hand balls into a fist, thought I don't mean to be hard or disrupt Micah from sleep I hit him. Micah groans rolling over. "I'm sorry but it's fucking three in the morning."
"Micah, I think my water broke," I whisper.
♔♔♔
"This isn't good," the doctor exclaimed. He widened his eyes. "It looks like something is wrong with her."
"Fucking fix it!" Micah shouted turning around. "I'll fucking kill you if you let anything happen to them."
Everything hurt.
"Sir I need you to calm down-"
"Calm the fuck down? That's my fucking girl and baby your talking about." My body was hot. I could feel sweat down my forehead. It was like walking through hell. And I could only imagine that is something my mother would say as I have a child before marriage. As I broke her golden rule.
"Rosalie, you need to push!"
I felt weak. I couldn't do it. "She's falling out!"
"She's loosing too much blood."
"Fucking do something."
There was a loud crash.
"Sir! You need to leave this room now! Your causing a disturbance!"
"The baby's here. You need to take her away."
"She's loosing too much blood. She won't make it."
A black blur came into my vision. I blinked a few times and then I was out.
♔♔♔
They say you don't remember the pain of giving birth. They lied. I remember plenty. But the feeling of watching the scene in front of me makes the pain and the fear worth it. Micah holds her. Her tiny hand wraps around his finger, holding him close. "You're so small," he whispers, "so tiny."
"I love you," he whispers again.
He smiles, "you won't let go. You gotta let me go, I can't hold you like this forever. Even if I want to. But your beautiful mama will want to hold you to."
"Why are you so beautiful already?" He asks her.
"Micah," I grab his attention. "I'm tired."
"You went through a lot today," he sits next to me. I haven't held her, I haven't touched her. My eyes feel so heavy. "You don't look okay, should I get the nurse?"
"I want to sleep again," I whisper.
Micah sighs, "okay, I'll be here. We'll be here. I promise."
♔♔♔
Blinding light. I'm stuck in a terrible memory. My eyes shut again. A loud machine beeps at my side but he thing I hear most is crying. Two cries. "Please, please, it's okay. Your okay. Please."
When I open my eyes this time everything comes in vision. The white wash hospital walls and a hysterical Grace crying over a hysterical baby in her arms. I take a moment. My baby. "Grace," I sit up, "what's wrong? What are you doing?"
She looks at me, she looks so broken. A wave of relief hits her. "Rose," she whispers trying to make my baby quiet. "Your awake.. I thought you wouldn't.. you should hold her."
Grace sits beside me on the bed, putting the crying girl in my arms. "Zara," I whisper. Her cries quiet down and her hands escape the blanket, waving around in the air. "Where's Micah?" I ask.
"Rose.. I'm so sorry." A feeling of old runs down my body and the cries suddenly start again. "He left last night.. he was in here for a few hours and walked out, he looked like he was crying and I haven't seen him since. There's no number of him in your phone anymore."
"Why did I trust him?" I whisper.
"Rose, I was so scared. You lost so much blood and the doctors wouldn't say anything. You weren't waking up. They asked what would happened if you.. they said there was a woman looking to adopt if you did.. but I declined I wouldn't let her go with some random."
"Why would you do that?" I whisper.
"I'm here designated Aunty and God mother, Rose. I'll always be here for her. And you."
"I'm so thankful for you." I couldn't ask for anyone better to be with me.
I keep it in. I keep it all in. I pretend like I the words that came out of her mouth didn't completely brake me. I'm so sorry. What was I thinking? Trusting Micah. I knew.. I knew this would happen and I let it.
I let my heart get broken by a man who can never love me. Never love my child.
Now all I have is my best friend.
And my child.
♔♔♔
She lies in the cot beside my bed. I watch her, tired and hurt. But I need to forget and move on. I need to be responsible - for her. A cold tear slips down my cheek. I had this all worked out. But as usual, Micah has to crash in and ruin it. Ruin all my plans - my life.
Grace sleeps on the couch. Her legs crouched into an awkward position. I can't thank her enough for being the only one there for me. Before the father of my child. Before my mother and father.
I turn back to watch my baby. Her arms reaching up to the air. I smile watching her. She hiccups. I notice a slight tinge of purple to her skin. From waving her arms gently they turn frantic.
She makes a choking noise. Sitting up I feel like I could faint. I watch her skin turn darker. Pulling the needles in my arms out I push the bed railing over. A loud beeping noise comes from one of the machines. My feet touch the ground. Pushing off the bed I feel my entire body fall out of exhaustion.
The door slams open. "Miss!" Someone shouts. Pulling myself up someone wraps there arms around me, pulling me back onto the bed.
"Stop!" I shout. "Let go! My baby!"
"Miss it's going to be okay!"
"Let go," I shout.
♔♔♔
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