Beyond the Unplanned Love

Chapter 58: Holding Back

Chapter 58

Denise's POV

"I--"

"Please don't say no. Please don't say you won't. Please say you'll think about it." He said.

I started breathing heavily and tried my best not to completely lost it.

"If you only know how I'm taking all my will not to run back to you.. To hug you tight, to be in your arms again..." I told him.

"Then don't. Don't hold back." He said.

"I want to. I shouldn't have to, Captain."

"You're choosing to leave because it is easier for you to walk away than fight for what you really want."

"You think this is easy for me?" I finally said and turned to face him.

"..Do you think I'm doing this just because I don't want to be with you? Heaven and earth would know how desperate I am to be with you, but I just can't! I don't want you to lose everything."

"You are my----."

"Stop. I don't want to hear that I'm your everything, because I'm not. I crashed your world rather than building it up. Please don't keep insisting that I've helped you reached where you are, because I have nothing to do with it. Ikaw yan, Jeric. Wag kang magbulag bulagan ng dahil sa pag-ibig, kasi minsan nililito ka lang niya para piliin mo ang desisyon na baka pagsisihan mo sa huli." I told him.

"So you're saying na mali ang mahalin ka? Ganon ba yun, Denise? Ganun ba ang tingin mo sa akin noon pa man? Na pinagsisisihan mong minahal mo ko?" He asked with a tone that's tearing me to pieces.

I want to tell him I never regretted the decision of loving him. When he came, everything feels right. It felt like he just completed a puzzle piece in my life. Pero para saan pa kung sasabihin ko yun? Kung in the end, I'd still choose for him to leave to pursue his dream.

I breathed. I looked him in the eyes and told him, "Yes." And that very moment I think I just felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. Captain was dumbfounded looking at me and that time I want to kill myself and stab my chest with a knife when I saw his tears ran down his cheeks. He never cried. He never showed his pain. But that moment, looking his eyes was just so damn hard.

"..oo. Pinagsisisihan kong minahal kita. Yan ba gusto mo marinig? Para lubayan mo na ko? Para hindi mo na ko pagaksayahan ng oras? Titigil ka na ba, Jeric?" I said and quickly turned my back. Hindi ko na kayang makita siyang nasasaktan. At gusto ko ng murahin at tumalon sa building sa kagaguhang ginagawa ko. Gusto kong bawiin lahat ng sinabi ko at lumuhod sa harap niya na patawarin ako. Gusto kong tumakbo sa kanya at yakapin siya at sabihing sabay kaming lalaban. Pero hanggang sa isip ko nalang yun. Kasi duwag ako. Kasi takot ako sa mga mangyayari. Pero hindi ko nailagay sa isip at puso ko na, takot rin pala akong mawala siya. And I just did. I just lost one person in my life.

If my heart could only be heard right now, it would say that just because we can't be together doesn't mean I don't love him, because I do. I really do. I'm sorry, Captain.

I started walking to leave this fuck behind. I'm trying all my will to carry these footsteps and walk away from him; walk away from the life I had learned to live. And maybe, just maybe I'd be okay? Oh please, I'm pretending like shit.

"I dropped PBA." He said and I was stopped with those words. What the hell?

I looked at him and saw the frustration in his eyes. I was in awe, to the point I couldn't find the words to tell if it's real or not. But, I just saw the news! There's no way he's telling me this.