Blue Wrists

Thirty-One

PoV: Jimin
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"Yoongi.. what is this?" I ask after I slowly reveal the rest of his forearm.
He just stays quiet und doesn't response.

I can't believe what I'm seeing... Yoongi and I were just cuddling on the couch since he was feeling still pretty dizzy because of his hangover and.. As soon as I tried to pull him closer, I noticed some purplish blue spots on his wrist.
Honestly, it wouldn't have surprised me if it were just old bruises, caused by his father a few weeks ago, but.. That was not the case at all.

I roll up his sweater sleeve and reveale his arm.
What I see is just shocking me.

His arm and wrist is not only covered in old bruises,.. but there are also tons of scars. One by one, right next to each other. Some of the marks look like they were build up years ago, but some of them were so pink and fleshy- They might have appeared a few days ago...

"What is this..?" I repeat my question, staring at Yoongi and holding onto his wrist.

He then pulls away his arm and looks down.

"Don't touch me.." he mumbles.

"Wha- Yoongi, tell me what this is!" I say worried.

He shakes his head.
"No, no.. I'm sorry. I-I.... I know it's disgusting, I was ju-"

"That's not the point, Yoongi"

Yoongi looks at me with an insecure face.

"Were you... -Are you hurting yourself, Yoongi? When was the last time??" I ask.

He seems to hesitates, desperately thinking of a good answer... Oh god.

"I'm.. I didn't know how to tell you. I know it's ugly and uncomfortable to touch, it's-... Just a bad habit.." he stutters.

That answer doesn't satisfy me.

"Yoongi, just tell me When was the last time you did that!"
I need to know, I really do. If Yoongi really cut himself while we were together, I.. couldn't forgive myself. That'd simply mean that I failed at making him feel safe.. A failure as a boyfriend.

"..What does it matter? ...I told you it's a bad habit.."

"It matters a fucking lot!" Forceful I pull him into my arms.
"Yoongi, I.. I told you I love you.. and I want you to be safe and feel loved, do you understand that? I was by your side so why won't you just talk to me when bad thoughts are on your mind?"

I really thought I could help him.. Even tho he doesn't smile or talk a lot, and seems cold most of the time.. I thought he's happy. Happier than before. Just a little bit.

"N-No Jimin, it's not that easy" Yoongi speaks nervously.
"Moreover, don't you think it's disgusting..? It's not only my right arm.. My left wrist is even-"

"Why would I think it's disgusting? I'd never think that about you! Never, Yoongi." I answer slightly angry.

Then he stays quiet again and sighs.

"I'm sorry" he whispers.
"But don't worry.. It's really not how you think. I'm not cutting myself every stupid day.. And I DO feel happy about having you by my side, really" he adds.

"Then, why did you do that? You hurt yourself just a while ago, didn't you?"

Yoongi sighs again. "It was just.. my stupid head, you know? On monday.. when that 'Chanyeol' guy said you're just kind to me because you feel sorry for me.. It was glued to my mind for the whole day" he explains.

"What..?? Did it really affect you that much? You could have told me!!"

Suddenly he tears up and starts sobbing.
"I'm sorry.. -I'm just such a mess, Jimin.. I can't controll myself sometimes..." he mumbles.

I try to comfort him and stroke his back.

"No don't cry Yoongi, It's fine. Everything is going to be alright, okay? We're gonna get through this, do you understand? I'm with you" I say.

Before he starts actually crying, he makes it to calm a little down and nods unsurely.

"I'm sorry... You're too kind" he replies.

I keep comforting him for the next 20 minutes, holding him tightly in my arms and telling him that everything is going to be okay.

"Please stop doing that, Yoongi.. Cutting yourself is not an option"

I really can't believe I didn't notice it earlier.. We've been together for a while now and I found out about his self harming problem just now...
Why, why.. Why didn't I saw it earlier?

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