as I read those words written by you, my vision blurred almost instantly. raindrops became rivers and rivers became floods. I have been trying so hard to just to not feel things recently because, well, everything hurts right now and this...what you wrote...I have never been so overwhelmed with emotion. My eyes were glued to the screen as I read deeper into your heart. my mind was racing with the thoughts, most of which tried to convince me it was a dream. I mean, why and how could you love someone like...me? and so deeply??? yet...there you are. loving me. I have to admit, it has been a little bit scary loving you. not at all because of you, but because of how ridiculously much i love you and I was a bit terrified of that...of myself. because what if....you didn't love me? or hated me for it? Even when we started becoming more open to each other, it was still scary. each time I said I love you or showed it, would be another rock for you to throw at me if you chose to. my life is so full of people making that choice that I was just terrified. but then...you...you proved me wrong. you were there for me and didn't bring down. you accepted me without judging me. you have honestly seen me at my worst and still fucking love me even when I convinced myself you wouldn't. and now I can attempt to tell you how much I love you (because no words will ever describe it fully, especially if they're written by me) and for the first time in my life, without fear.
I love you. let's break this down. I-me, Hossana, all of my imperfections, insecurities, dreams, scars, hopes: every broken piece of me. Love-adore, respect, will always protect, have your back, trust you, admire you. all of those broken pieces of me somehow come together just to love you unconditionally. You-all of you, every demon in your head, the freckles all over your body, your fluffy hair, your passion, determination, dreams, hopes, nightmares, insecurities, doubt. Everything you might hate about yourself, I call perfect. I love you.
I miss you. being away from you has been the most painful experience by far. I want nothing but to hold your hand, look into your eyes and tell you how much I fucking love you. I can't describe it. As I write this my hands shake and my heart hurts. I would give anything to just hear your voice again. do you know how much it hurts just to think about how you might be hurting and I can't be there to comfort you? or how I can't hear your laugh? how often I replay every memory I have with you? when I'm at worst, I think of you. I think of the last time you comforted and cared for me. and sometimes that is the only comforting thing in my head and the only thing that helps me pick up my broken pieces and keep going. I miss you so much. my breath is shaky with the just the pain it brings me. I miss you.
I'm not going to lie, this chapter took me awhile to think about publishing this. I say awhile, even though it's been barely 2 days, but well, time goes by extremely slowly for me. I had to think about it because well...I'm scared. More scared than I've ever been. Not of you, but of...well, myself. I have never loved someone as deeply as I love you and...I don't want to screw this up. I really really don't. I want to make you twice as happy as you make me. I want to make you twice as special as you make me feel. I can't even fathom how the hell you decided that I'm worth your time and love, but you did. And I don't want you to ever regret it. I love you.
I Hope It's You-Rusty Clanton
