How do I fill the distance.....This chapter isn't necessarily going to be happy or cheery. But it will be honest....because you deserve nothing else.
It's been...hard to say the least. The day it all happened was easily the worst/most painful day of my life. It seemed as if everything important and lovely to me, was being torn from my very soul. Reopening old scars. My pillows wet with never ending tears. Taking showers just to mask the cries. Losing feeling or passion in anything and everything. I couldn't....function. How could I? I was ripped apart from you....and betrayed by my family. They read my personal diaries/journals. Everything. I was outraged. The kind of anger that leaves you on your knees in tears. Screaming. I filled my walls with the question "how could you" and was left with nothing but a screeching silence. My grades fell like rain in a thunderstorm. I nearly failed. "What's going on" "your such a good student, this shouldn't happen" "what's wrong with you" were the never ending questions of my teachers. My friends were even more so. I shutdown. Silent, exhausted from crying, constant bags under my eyes, and fear running through my veins. A paranoi I didn't know I could have. I couldn't focus. "What's the point" was all I said. Volleyball was ending and so nothing could keep me busy from the pain. I stayed nearly completely silent for almost 2 weeks. Even the stars seemed to cry.
I forced myself not to fail. Made up dozens of assignments and tried to function. It hurt so much. Almost as if trying to breathe underwater. I began to speak....softly...scared. I didn't dare get close to friends, lest they get taken from me as well. I curled into myself. I didn't talk about it lest it be used against me, a new anxiety instilled in me. So I became more creative then I've ever been. Every painting I did was about you. Lavender. Love. Every canvas with a pallet of you. Nothing else. I write poems almost 5 times a day. Art became my way of speaking when I couldn't. I have hundreds of poems and hundreds of paintings to match. About you, me, us...everything. It helped me to feel again. Painfully...but it was something. The moon guarded my bedside at night, as if to defend me from monsters. I signed up for soccer and made the team. I had to keep myself active, stay busy...hopefully this will help, I thought. "Anything to distract from the pain"
I trained hard everyday. Broke my limit every time I was on field. Driven with passion I didn't know existed. My grades became stable. Every canvas still glimmers with the ghost of you. The tears? They stayed. They visit every other day...reminding me of what is the the hard cold truth of my reality that i try so hard to ignore. That i cannot see you, god forbid talk to you. That ever since then my parents have not stopped fighting, leaving a terrifying question in my head that i can never ask them, for fear of the answer. That my brother is farther from me than anyone else. And that...i stand alone. In the end...it's always just me. Fighting the same old battle and losing every time. Taylor asked me if I had a support group. I remember holding back tears as my throat tightened, barely whispering a "no" before she engulfed me in a hug. I've lost trust in the people at my school. I speak to them yes, but I'm so afraid. The only people I trust, are from TFA and they've all been torn from me. The people here, around me? They don't know who I am...and I'm too scared to show them. What if it all happens again? I want to go back to TFA, and I don't have the heart to tell them that.
And here I am now, sitting on the couch with wet cheeks and a heavy chest as I let myself feel...everything. I miss you so much. I miss being a kid and thinking everything was ok. When the world was innocent and perfect. I'm on the Varsity Soccer team as Defender, it keeps me distracted and active. Sometimes I even forget. I've been painting and writing poetry left and right. I use art and sports as an outlet for my pain. It's working, so far. I can't look at the night sky without whispering your name in a hopeless wish that you might hear me. I look for you in the stands at my games even though I know your not there. I bought lavender lotions just so I could carry you with me. It's become my favorite smell. The most relaxing as well. I can't emphasize how much I think about and love you. I know this storm, just like any other, will pass. I promise I'll be waiting for you. Please don't give up on me? I'm fighting everyday for you. You are my everything. My sun. My only, Love.
And none of this is your fault, please don't ever think that. It hurts because the people who cared for me the most, and whom I loved, were taken from me. You did nothing wrong. It's just terrible circumstance. If anything, it's mine. It's my family. They...we are not a normal family. We are from a long lineage of disfunction and tragedy. And in an attempt to tear away from it, we have only continued it. We have gotten better, but not enough so to be different from the rest. I only wish that my family...was more willing to understand perspective, pain, and consequence. Like my father says; the mind is like a parachute-it works best when it's open.
Im learning to live once more. I carry you in my heart, my love for you unwavering. I'm even thinking of cutting my hair again...simply to bring a bounce in my step once more. Probably a Pixie? I had a dream of you and me going to the same school together-we ran around and laughed. I look forward to the next time I am privileged to see you/talk to you; no matter how long it takes. You are always worth it.
Never forget; I love you to the moon and back.
Love,
Hossana
Juliet-cavetown (cover) by Chloe Moriondo
Sunflower by Rex Orange County
I Know A Place-Conan Gray (Ukulele Cover) by cavetown
