I re read everything.
All of your poems, notes, scribbles on notecards, cards you've given me...everything. Anything and everything that would somehow fill this endless distance between you and I. With each word, another tear fell down my face with no consent of my. Soon rain became thunderstorms so here I am...writing in a book I haven't updated months in the same state I usually do...an extremely emotional one. More emotional that I ever show.
Today, on thanksgiving, I feel nothing but heartbreak and grief flowing through my veins and pooling at my fists. Memories of my father were relentless and the most vivid of which was his laugh. I almost forgot what it sounded like. Has it really been 4 months...? I strain to remember what his smile looked like and I painfully push away memories of his love. It feels so far away and poisoned in a way. I've been trying to keep my heart from shattering since I was 5 and yet...it still breaks. It's still crumbled, shatters, obliterates in a million pieces. My father is now no one. I am no ones daughter. I wish I could tell you it doesn't kill me. Especially today when I realize that my father does not miss me. He no longer loves to make me laugh or wants to teach me how to cook or comfort me when I cry. My father left but not without branding my heart with pain. And so I grieve and break and grieve and break and grieve and break and grieve and
b r e a k
Today, on thanksgiving, I'm left sobbing and shaking to my soul. Realizing to a terrifying degree how badly I love you. How your absence has left a whole in my soul and I count every unknown minute until I see you again. How I only feel truly relaxed with you. I think of you everyday still. I fall in love with you more and more somehow. I just want to have you. No strings attached, no fucked up parents, no looking-behind-my-shoulder, or time limits. I just want y o u. To go watch a movie, go home and cuddle, get coffee, look at the stars, watch the sunset...anything as long as I'm with you. but instead we are too painfully like Romeo and Juliet. Star crossed lovers. It's not forever, I know...but it's long enough to break my heart. Thats why i do everything I can to see you/talk to you in every way possible. Thats why i shower you with gifts with what money I have. Because i love you and your worth it and it reminds me that someday soon, that will be our forever. The only forever i smile at the thought of.
My tears are dried yet my heart aches. What else is new.
I Am by Jorja Smith
Falling by Trevor Daniel
Luv Note by Chloe Moriondo
Intro III by NF
How Could You Leave Us NF
