The secrets we keep

Chapter 12

"Do you want to take a break?" Mrs Gilbert asked. I wiped away a few tears that had escaped my eyes.
"I don't even know why I'm being so emotional it's not like crying would help or something."
I hated myself for always being such a crybaby. I didn't want people to see me
like that.
"You have all the right to be sad and cry, do whatever you need to do to make you feel better. As long as it doesn't hurt anybody else it's fine, really."
I nodded.
"Loss is a terrible thing, especially when we lose someone so close to us. And it must have been traumatizing to be in that car.."
I shrugged.
"How have you dealt with it so far?"
I shrugged again.
"I was high on painkillers most of the last few months, to be honest."
"Did you take them because of your physical pain or your mental pain?"
I was surprised she didn't try to lecture me on substance abuse immediately.
"Both, I guess. At the beginning it was because of my broken ribs and the wrist but then I kind of just took them all the time.."
I looked down.
"Did it make you feel better?"
"It made me numb. Which was better than the other stuff that I was feeling, so I kept taking them."
She nodded.
"I don't take them anymore," I added, because I felt it was important.
"No?" She didn't seem surprised "Why not?"
"After a while not feeling gets worse than feeling pain. I didn't care whether I lived or died. I was so lost in my pain I shut myself off from everyone who was trying to take care of me.." I thought about Marcus and Maya, trying and trying every day to help me, and how I yelled at them, or completely ignored them again and again.
"Being numb can be quite scary.." She nodded.
"It is," I agreed.
"Everyone deals with grief differently. But it takes time, either way. One day it will start hurting less and from then on it will get better until it will only hurt a little bit. But that's the price we pay for loving people," She smiled sadly "The worst day of loving someone is the day you lose someone. But that doesn't make all the good days go away. Focus on the good memories, hold onto them. And talk about your feelings. Even if you don't want to. It helps to know you're not alone."
"Thank you," I nodded.
"I hope I could provide you with at least a little guidance. You can come by my office anytime and we'll talk again, okay?"
"Thank you," I smiled and got up.
"Have a good day Kenna."
"You too."
I felt like a heavy stone had been lifted off my chest. Even though I hadn't planned to talk about my mom, I had realized how much I needed to. Obviously talking didn't make it hurt any less, but it made me feel a little less dead inside.

I was so deeply in thought I didn't watch where I was going and crashed into a blonde guy.
"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry," I babbled and kneeled down to help him pick up his stuff.
"It's fine, I should have looked," He smiled.
"I'm really sorry, I was just kind of in my own world."
"Yeah.. I know that feeling," We looked right into each other's eyes and I felt like drowning in his deep blue ones.
He cleared his throat and broke the stare "I guess I'll see you around."
"Yeah," I answered softly and smiled.

He walked down the hallway I was coming from and I continued my way to the main entrance. But before I rounded the corner I looked back at him and saw him doing exactly the same. We both smiled and I blushed.

"So uhm, do you wanna talk about it or something?" Jackson asked after breaking the awkward silence in the car.
"No, not really. Not now at least."
"Are you gonna go see her again?"
"Maybe. We'll see," I shrugged.

As I got home my thoughts were circling about the cute stranger, which was a welcomed distraction.
I felt like even though we had just met we had this connection, which sounds really cheesy but I couldn't help but smile when I thought of him.

Badboy or Gentleman? Who would you choose? 🤭