Somebody to Love - A Joe Mazzello FanFiction

Chapter 18 - Valentine's Day

2 weeks later

We were lying in bed together. Joe was staying the night again, something I loved. I didn't like sleeping alone anymore. My bed felt empty and I just needed his warmth by me every night. I missed him otherwise. Joe was wearing an undershirt that he now kept at my place and the pair of pajama pants I had told him to wear over a month ago. They had become his as far as I was concerned. I was wearing matching pajamas. They were tacky and childish, but they were a clothing choice I just couldn't shake. Joe told me he liked them because I looked adorable in them and he just wanted to squeeze me until I popped. We were lying in the dim light of my table lamp talking to each other before we were tired enough to fall asleep.

"Tomorrow's Valentine's Day, you know," I nuzzled my head further into his chest while he talked. I loved feeling the vibration of his voice in his chest. He spoke in a low tone to me when we talked like this in bed.

"I know," I replied. "The first time I'll have a boyfriend for it." I sighed. "Feels nice." Joe lifted his head to get a better look at me.

"You never had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day?" He seemed utterly shocked.

"Nope." It didn't bother me because the holiday never really mattered to me. It was just another day to me. "It just happened that none of the guys I dated stayed around for Valentine's. It never bothered me much."

"Well, then we have to make it special." I pushed myself up to look Joe straight in the eyes.

"No," I spoke louder and more forceful than I had wanted. "I just want a nice day with you. We don't need to do anything special. I just...want to spend it with you. Doing this. Just...being with each other. I don't need anything fancy, okay?" He nodded seeming a little scared by my reaction. I laid my head back down. "I just don't want you to go through all that trouble for me."

"It's no trouble, Jule. Really." There was a small pause between us, waiting for someone to talk.

"Just...nothing fancy," I whispered. He kissed the top of my head, leaving his lips there for a couple of seconds before peppering a couple more in the same spot.

"I want you to feel special. I could give you the world, but you wouldn't want that, and that's what I love about you." I was too caught in my own mind to realize he had said the word 'love'. It was a baby step, but we were so close to the perfect moment, I could feel it. Instead of acting on that word, my thoughts continued to race.

"I would be fine with a pebble," I replied. I could feel myself slipping into another episode of hating myself. It happened less frequently with Joe around, but they still happened. My self-love came in waves, with mountains and valleys along the way. I don't know what set me off today, but I couldn't stop it. I never could. I was extremely vulnerable because of it and I think Joe could sense it.

"But, you're worth more than that." I didn't look at him. I just stared at his stomach, alone with my thoughts. Trapped in my own mind. "I just wish you could see that sometimes." He kissed my head again. We laid there for a minute in silence. My heart rate began to speed up as my mind raced. I started fidgeting my hands; tapping them and moving them in an impatient manner waiting for something to happen. I didn't know what my body was waiting for to happen, but something. Joe adjusted himself, tightening his grip on me. "What's wrong, what's wrong?" He whispered, trying to look into my eyes.

"I..." I wasn't sure if he would have cared. I had never told anyone about this. It was just something I silently struggled with. I debated telling him.

"You can trust me with anything. Please. I just want to know. I can tell something's wrong." I realized that I was having an existential crisis mixed with a small panic attack for no reason. I started breathing with an open mouth to slow my heart rate, but it just turned into hyperventilating. Oh god. Why can't I calm down? Joe sat up straighter, leaning his back on the headboard and pulling me into a hug. Holding me and whispering sweet nothings in my ear.