Anxiety • part 2

3 • testament

"I'm giving you an out, Ashton." I said to him as soon as we entered my appartment. "An out without judgement or anything."

"Why? What did you do?" He asked all worried.

"I'm giving you an out of this relationship, of us moving in together in two weeks, an out of whatever. Because I'm going to drag you down with me and I don't want to do that. I love you so damn much but I'm mentally not stable and I don't want to drag you down with me."

"Fuck Sam, I thought you cheated for a second." He said with a chuckle before coming over to me. "I don't want an out, you're going through a hard time and I'll stand by you and help you get through it. You will get better and you will not drag me down so stop trying to push me away. I'm not going to break up with you over this."

"It's been 10 months Ashton. I don't have a right to be like this anymore. So I don't think I will ever get better." I said and he hugged me thightly as I said that.

"You have every right to be sad or down as long as you need to. You lost your dad, that's not nothing." He whispered and I nodded while holding onto him. I never realise how much I need him to hold me untill he does. Because when he does, everything else seems a little better. "It will be better once we're in LA. I'll be back in 4 days and then we will pack everything together." He said and I let out a chuckle as I looked at the venyl collection on the shelves. "We're going to have to do a lot of packing."

"How are we even going to get all of that in boxes? There's more at my mom's place." I said and he shrugged his shoulders.

"We will just have to get a lot of boxes but we'll find a way, don't worry about that." He said as he looked down at me, his arms still strongly around me. "I know you are having a hard time now but don't ever think that I would leave you for that. I don't need an out because I'm all in. I'm pretty sure I would still be all in if you did cheat on me. I'm madly inlove with you Sam, I will stand by you while you figure things out. I will allow you to make your mistakes and to learn from them."

"I don't tell you often enough how amazing you are. I'm head over heels for you too. I just got to figure out a way to feel like myself again."

"You will and you shouldn't do anything before you're ready for it. So I'm asking you again, are you sure you want to move with me to LA next week? We can postphone this a few months untill you have to start working. I can come and stay here if you need more time. I don't have anything planned the next 6 months except for spending time with you and traveling together in August. We can stay here another month and leave from here to go traveling." He said and I shook my head with a smile.

"I said a lot of goodbyes already and I'm fine with it. In 4 days, I will be ready. I was ready to leave London months ago and I'm still ready now." I said with a smile and he looked back at me before placing a soft kiss on my forehead.

"How come talking to me is so easy to you but you couldn't stay focused for longer than a minute when we were having lunch?" He asked me and I shrugged my shoulders but I knew the answer.

"You don't give me thousands of memories with him every time I look at you. When I look at you, I see you. When I look at them I see the first piano we bought together, I see the look on his face when I played in the school musical in my last year at high school. I can't look at them without remembering the way I tried to keep his heart beating or the way they shocked him repeatedly in attempts to keep him alive." I said and he wiped away the tear that I couldn't hold back. "And I hate the fact I feel jealous that they're living again and I'm still running in the same circle."

"You'll be better again too. You needed more time and it's okay to feel that. Just don't hide things from me again, talk to me and I will listen, always. But I can't help if you avoid me." He said and I nodded.