Anxiety • part 2

64 • 30 days

"Let's give them a moment alone." My mom said and she placed her hand on my shoulder, squeezing it softly. I didn't move at all when she did that. I held onto Sam's hand and just looked at her, the tube proving her breathing filled up her mouth and there was a cable everywhere. Multiple ones connected to her head to monitor brain activity, a few to her chest and some more to her arm and finger. There was still some brain activity and she wasn't braindead, but there was no improvement.

30 days since she left me. 30 days since the doctor made a mistake by ignoring her wish. 30 days since Olivia was born and I lost her.

I miss her. I need her because I've been failing to do this on my own. The nurses had been nice enough to place a baby bed in her room and a second bed so I could stay. I sat here every day and I watched her every minute, only leaving to take a shower or eat. But I only did that when someone else could stay with her. Our families tried all they could to make me go outside, to take Olivia outside for a little but I refused every time. The last time I went outside was 20 days ago. I needed to be with her.

The boys visited us frequently and they've all offered for us to stay with them. So tomorrow when she's gone, I'll be moving into Luke's. Our families will stay at our house but I can't go back. I can't go back to it. I can't lay in the bed I once shared with her or sit on the couch where I kissed her endless times. I can't do any of it without her but I have to respect her wish.

If there is no improvement after 30 days, take me off life support.

I have played that sentence endless times in my head. There has been no improvement, not even a little. Ellen says it's time to let her go and I should listen to her because she has been working in this field for over 20 years. But it's so damn hard. It's so hard to sign the papers to let her go. I know it's what she wants but there's this constant worry because what if I pull the plug now but in 3 days she would have woken up? But they've done more research, confirmed the brain damage and I know she doesn't want to wake up like this. I know if she does wake up and finds out I ignored her wish, she will hate me forever. She will hate me because I didn't listen, she will hate me because I did the opposite of what she asked. She will hate me because she will need assistance with everything.

I've been praying for a miracle but I know how selfish I am by doing that.

"I need you Sammie." I cried out, I got up from my seat and held her, letting my head rest on her chest and the heartbeat I heard killed me even more. Tomorrow she will be gone. Tomorrow there will be no more heartbeat to listen to, no more smiles or laughs, no more music being played and no more stories being told.

I would never hear her voice again or her laugh. I would never see her bright smile and the shine in her eyes anymore. I would never see how she lit up the room just by walking in anymore. I would never get to joke about her horrible cooking skills anymore.

She's gone and I lost her.

It didn't take long for Olivia to wake up and start crying too. I got up and wiped away my tears to go and pick her up.

"Hey baby it's okay. It's okay." I whispered to her and more tears just streamed down my face when she looked at me with her big blue eyes. She had her eyes, her nose and her smile. Every thing reminded me of her. "We're going to have a hard time without your mom but I promise I will figure it out. I'll never leave your side and I will protect you at all costs." I said to her as I softly moved my thumb over her cheek. I kissed her forehead before walking back to Sam.

I pushed the button so the bed would come more upright before taking her arm and laying it so I could put Olivia on her chest. I placed her arms so she would hold her. So she could hold her little girl one last time. She counted down the days until she got to meet her but she barely got to do that. She never got to walk around with her and see the little smile on her face. She never got to see how much she looked like her.