Anxiety • part 2

63 • tapes

"Dear Ashton,

Every night I will be wishing you never get to hear this. But you're listening to this, so I am no longer around. I knew that if something would go wrong, it would be sudden and there would be no time for a last kiss, a last I love you and a last hug.

I hope our little girl survived me. I hope she didn't crash down with me. I know it's scary and that you will think that you can't do this but you can Ashton. You can do this. You will be the best dad to her and you will make her feel loved.

I hope you won't hide me from her. I hope you will tell about how we danced in the living room in my small London apartment. How I bumped into the table and had a bruise for weeks. I hope you will tell her that we said 'I love you' for the first time that day. I hope you will tell her all the good and the bad stories about me.

But you will have to let go of me one day Ashton. I know you're going to need time and it's not going to be easy but you have to let go of me and move on. You have to do that for her, she will need a mother figure. Find yourself someone who can make you smile so hard that your cheeks hurt, who will make you laugh and who will make you happy. I want you to find someone again Ashton. Please don't stay stuck on me.

And you also need to promise me that you will never stop making music. It's what you love and what makes you, you. You have a little girl to take care for now but you can do both.

I love you a lot Ashton and there are still a million things that I left unsaid. I'm sitting on your side of the bed now, tears streaming down my face because I want to live. I want to be with you and grow old together with you.

I never had a reason to fight until I met you. And somehow we pulled off this pregnancy up until the 9th month. My C-section is sheduled 3 weeks from now. So you have a little idea to when I'm recording thisone.

Ashton, I can't even begin to explain how much I love you. I can't put into words how much better you made me. You are my everything, you were my everything.

But, I get to be with my dad again now. He will take care of me up here like he took care of me when I was born. I get to laugh about his lame jokes again and listen to the way he played that electric guitar like no one else could. So you have to do your part now, you have to take care of your little girl. Let her listen to the music we made together and make new memories with her.

We should have done this together but we couldn't. God might have given me major bumps in the road but I don't believe he planned this. This was my fucked up body and my genetics.

My dearest Ashton, I will forever love you and I'll watch over you and her. I'll keep an eye on you.

I love you."

As soon as the recording ended, I pressed play on the second one. I had tears running down my face from the first second that I heard her voice but I needed to hear more of it. I held onto her hand and kept my eyes on her face while listening to it. We had a little over 48 hours left before we had to let her go and I was starting to loose hope. Today there wasn't even the slightest bit of improvement compared to the first day. We needed a massive miracle.

"Here we are once again, it's now 2 weeks until my C section and I am buzzing with new energy while strawberry is dancing around inside of me. I listened to that recording I made a week ago and realised how many things I forgot to say so here I am again, trying to make up for the words I left unsaid.

I hope you know that you did everything right and there is nothing you could have done to prevent this from happening. I wish we had more time together but we didn't. Maybe we would have if I didn't get pregnant but that way we would have just postponed the unpreventable. There is nothing we could have done to avoid this from happening. There's nothing you or I could have done. If it wasn't the pregnancy, it would have been something else.