Anxiety • part 2

62 • point of view

"We want you to know that there is no wrong or right way to deal with this. There is no wrong way to deal with the loss of a daughter/sister/friend/wife. We are here to help you through this period and to help you find the right way to cope with it. So tell me, how do you think you are dealing with this so far?" He asked while we sat in his office. He sat across the table from me and looked me in the eyes. Would he ask all of us the same question?

— Ellen's POV —

It only took me five days to realise I had lost my daughter. I have seen enough cases over the years and I have seen enough moms die because of an internal bleed that wasn't fixed fast enough. But I also know how these rates are much higher in the USA than they are in the UK.

But that didn't stop me from sitting by her bed every day and praying for a miracle. Every day I sat by her side with the family she has created and every day I hoped. I hoped something would happen but I knew nothing would. I've been here before with Sam and even though I have never met anyone with a bigger will to fight, she couldn't win this fight. Nobody could win this fight. With the damage done to her heart over the past 7 years and no fix being good enough to last forever, it was always only a matter of time. She knew that and Ashton knew that. But that doesn't make this any easier.

They knew to enjoy every second of her life because it could all be over soon. But somewhere along the way, he seemed to have forgotten that. He forgot how she was just living on borrowed time and that he would easily outlive her. But we all thought she would get more years.

They're not supposed to have to worry about that every day. I'm glad he forgot because he gave her his all. He gave her happiness and love and made her dreams become reality.

I know she is going to fight until her body can't anymore and it's a shame when the spirit still wants to fight but the body is done. It's never good once those two are not on the same line anymore.

I found it hard to find a way to deal with this other than looking at the medical aspects. I couldn't find a place for my feelings so I talked with the doctors and the surgeons and tried to figure out how we could have prevented this. I tried to make them admit it to my face, make them say a mistake when they talked because they were trying to cover their asses. They knew we had the money for a lawsuit, they knew once they admitted to it, there would be no way that they won the lawsuit.

And it took me 22 days to make them admit to it. 22 days before we got to take a look at the official report they made. 22 days of them covering up for a doctor that make a mistake that made me loose my daughter.

Her heart was strong enough up until the moment they asked her to push. Her heart would have stayed more than strong enough under anaesthesia and during a C section. In an environment where they could have stopped any bleed rapidly because they would have been prepared.

But 25 days ago, they lost almost 20 minutes to get her from the delivery room and into an OR, to put her under and to find the source of the bleed. 20 minutes where she was bleeding internally and where her heart crashed for the first time.

She could have been saved if she was already in there. I would have a daughter and a granddaughter today if they would have listened to her.

But in that doctor's eyes, she was a popstar who didn't know what she was talking about. Who asked for unnecessary precautions while the C section was the safest option all along and everyone knew that.