Anxiety • part 2

Epilogue 3 • piano

"Daddy wake up!" Olivia yelled before running into my bedroom and crawling on bed with me. She laid down next to me and Piper and Bella were quick to follow her in bed. "Hi" she said with an adorable grin on her face and I turned to lay on my side to look at her.

"Hey my little monster" I said which made her giggle loudly. A sound I hear so often yet never often enough. "I thought we would try and sleep until 9 today?" I said and she shook her head quickly.

"I want to go downstairs and watch movies." She said and I let out a chuckle before sitting up and picking her up. She giggled and put her arms around my neck tightly and I smiled as I carried her down the stairs. She knew she wasn't allowed to do that on her own yet and especially not before I had waken up. So every morning before 8 she stands at my door and jumps into bed with me.

"Luke and Sierra are coming over tonight so you have to clean up your toys today, alright?" I said as I put her down and the living room was a mess. My guitar was still laying on the kitchen table with music notes all around it from staying up until 4am to write so it wasn't just her mess but most of it was.

"Okay daddy" she said before running to the couch and jumping in with the dogs. They're her guardians and they take their jobs very serious.

"I'm going to take a shower and then I'll make you pancakes like promised, okay?" I said and she nodded while already watching her favourite tv show about dogs. She's obsessed with dogs and all animals. It goes from lunch boxes with dogs on them to socks and shirts and pyjamas. And the huge teddy bear in her room too, can't look past that. I ran back up the stairs and stopped for a second when I saw the wedding picture on the wall.

It will be 5 years next week and I still miss her every day. I have went on dates and had short relationships but Olivia hasn't met any of them yet. I've been chasing the feeling that Sam made me feel but nobody even comes close to that. I thought about settling for less until I was laying in bed with Olivia at 10pm on a friday night. We were looking at the stars I painted on her ceiling inbetween the vinyls Sam and I put up and she was giggling and smiling so much. I realised that if I settle for less for me, that means I would have to settle for less for her too. And she deserves nothing but the best so I will go on and chase the feeling I once had.

I took a very quick shower and changed into something easy before going downstairs but I stopped right in my tracks when I heard her laugh. This wasn't Olivia's giggle, this was Sam's laugh that made it impossible not to smile. I went to the door and leaned against the doorframe while I watched Olivia. She had taken her favourite blanket and put it around Bella and had her arm around Piper while her eyes were glued to the screen. I watched the video she was playing and smiled.

She had put together all the videos that both of us took during her pregnancy and made it into a 10 minute long video with recordings of her talking inbetween. She had put them together and she wanted me to show them to Olivia one day but I was waiting for the right moment.

"Do you miss her?" Olivia asked and when I looked at her, she was talking to Piper still unaware that I was here. "I wish I got to meet her, dad says she was amazing." She said softly with a nod and she looked back at the video of Sam fooling around with Piper and Bella outside in the grass.

[[the picture on his lockscreen that he talks about
in chapter 65]]

I watched Olivia as she giggled when Sam laughed about something stupid I did. I watched the way she would pet Piper every time Piper came on the screen with us. It was just like that time I walked in on her listening to Sam's songs or when she was sitting in her bed and had her hand on the handprint Sam put on the wall next to mine. When she asked me how long it would take for her hands to become as big as her mother's. She didn't understand much yet of what Sam was talking about but she smiled at the tv screen.