Anxiety • part 2

51 • panic

"Sam just breath with me, please. You can't have an anxiety attack now." He said and he took my hand in his while driving to the nearest hospital. But I was panicking and I couldn't stop. This felt so wrong and I was terrified. "Sam, you need to look at me now and calm down. I know you are terrified but panicking is not going to help this. All you can do now is try to stay calm, that's the best you can do." He said, his voice loud and clear and I tried to listen to him but it was so hard. "Babe, if it is happening, there is nothing we can do about it. There is nothing we or any doctor can do but I refuse to panic until the doctor confirms it."

And somehow, that seemed to make the most sense in my head and I slowly nodded while looking ahead of me.

There is nothing we or anyone else can do about this.

And that sentence just took me back to when the five doctors walked into my room on a tuesday afternoon. My dad was sitting with me and I started crying before they've even said a word. 5 doctors with sad faces only meant bad news. 'We are sorry miss Evans, but there is nothing anymore that we can do except for pain relieve.'

There's nothing worse than being a lost cause.

When we arrived at the hospital, we walked into the ER and headed straight to the nurse at the reception desk who looked at us with a friendly smile.

"Bonjour, comment puis-je vous aider?" The woman asked and Ashton just looked at me in hopes that I understood what she said.

"Je pense que je fais une fausse couche" I replied fluently because in the car, I went over it 100 times. Knowing that we were in Brussels, the chance was high we would walk into a french speaking hospital. Her eyes widened a little and she immediately called over some people, I got pushed into a wheelchair and taken to a room but not once did I let go of Ashton's hand. I needed him with me.

"It's either dutch or english because my french is not good enough for full conversations and I want to be able to understand every word being said in here." I said stressed when two nurses spoke to eachother in french.

"You're Samantha Evans." She said as she stared at me.

"Patient-doctor confidentiality and you're out." I said to her and she looked terrified of me at that moment but she was out of the door before the actual doctor walked in but she looked at us twice too before looking at the amount of nurses and students inside.

"I want two nurses outside of the door, don't let anybody in unless I asked for them or they allow a visitor. But for now, everyone out." She said calmly and everyone went outside straight away. "Is that better?"

"Thank you." Ashton said softly before looking at me again.

"How far along are you?"

"17 weeks." I replied

"What made you think that you are having a miscarriage?" She asked me and the calmth in her voice was making me just a little more calm.

"Because something feels wrong and pain shot through my body earlier. I just know something is wrong and I know I have an elevated chance of miscarriage as I went through extensive chemo and radiation for cancer."

"So there has been no discharge yet?" She asked before rolling over the ultrasound machine and I shook my head. "Okay I'm just going to check to see its position and everything, can you lift up your shirt?"

"Okay" I replied softly while moving up my shirt, I took Ashton's hand in mine again after and just looked at him while she applied the gel. He leaned down and kissed my forehead softly.

"I love you Sam" he whispered and just those three little words made me feel safe. But I was terrified. I hoped that I was wrong so badly but my mind always thinks the worst. That's just how I work. So while I laid there and kept my eyes on Ashton, I wanted to cry and I just needed her to be honest with us. I just needed to know if I was losing my little girl or not.