"Best Friends"

Chapter 30: Eye To Eye

A longing desire keeps me awake at night, it screams in my ear, "Hayes. Hayes." I can't sleep, I can't think. I can't process anything, he's taken full control of my thoughts.

I need to go back to the park. I need to see him.  Seeing him made my stomach churn,  my head spun in countless circles.  I don't need him. I don't. I do. I don't. I do. I don't.

I'm conflicted. But it goes both ways, he's probably laying in bed wondering about how our relationship could've been

Do boys do that? Or is it just girls? Is it only me that dreams about the past. What could've been changed. If I undid something, would I be here?

Wide awake at 3 am? Staring at the ceiling, wondering how did this happen? Would my thoughts be racing as fast as my heart beat, if I changed the past?

We'll never know. I'll never know. I glance out my window, the crescent moon and twinkling stars.

But you know, I'm apart of society's generation. I don't take a second glare out my window.

I go on my iPhone, and unlock the screen. Twitter and Instagram overtake the early dawn. You know imma stalk Hayes' twitter.

@HayesGrier: I miss you.

@HayesGrier: I hope you think of me as much as I think of you.

@HayesGrier: I don't know anymore tbh.

(Fake tweets ofc)

A jittery bubbly feeling bubbles up inside me, as a chorus of angelic angels sing. HE LIKES ME. HE LIKES ME. As much as I hate to admit it, I feel the same. I want

a second chance more than ever.

I feel the butterflies swarming back as a multitude, I feel my heart jump for joy. I start laughing and smiling.

Attachment. Clingly. You.

is all I hear in the back of my mind. A self warning screams in my ear, "DON'T SCREW THIS UP GIRL!"

What if I still act clingy? Get attached too quickly, fall in "love" too easily?

I don't even know what love is. How could I possibly say "I love Hayes". I don't even love myself- oh.

I need to love myself before I break myself once more. Before I permanently shatter what little chance Hayes and I have left.

That still won't stop me. Make rules for yourself, Cara.

so I got an empty journal I forgot I had, and dedicated it to My feelings

The tittle said in ugly smeared ink

Feelings

I opened the plain purple covered journal and wrote Rules, on the first page.

Rule 1: Talk to him 15-30 minutes per day.

Rule 2: Don't talk to him every day. Skip a few days, here and there

Rule 3: You can do this.

With that I shut my notebook slid underneath my mattress and cackled.

I'm overly dramatic, no wonder he left me. Funny, huh?

Hysterical.

Why am I so-?

I'm done feeling sorry for myself, being lost in my uncontrollable emotions. I'm fed up with crying until dusk, hating every inch of my body, and craving attention.

I'm better than this. I'm stronger than this, right?

With every ounce of my unwilling body, I vowed to myself

I'll treat myself with respect. I'll play hard to get. I'll win Hayes' heart over. I'll love myself for who I am. Although many despise my name, I'll keep my head up.

I rest my pounding head, flutter my eyes shut and say, "I'll try."

I'll try.