Oppa : Kim Seokjin

Chapter Thirty-Four: Unceremonious

Seokjin's eyes go wide as soon as they lay on me. It had been mere hours since I'd last seen him, mere hours since that happy, glowy morning that felt so far away now. "Ju-eun? What are you doing here?"

I didn't know what to say. My voice seemed to have abandoned me. Jumped ship. My face screws up and he near gasps. "Ju-eun?!"

"They kicked me out." it's barely a whisper. It doesn't feel real. My parents were distant, sure, but I never anticipated this. Never imagine that they could do this to their only daughter, so mercilessly. My whole chest ached with a mix of panic, sadness, and unreleased sobs. I clench and tears well up in my eyes. "They found out about- about everything, and they kicked me out."

He looks horrified. "You're kidding." he breathes, and I shake my head, throat too thick to force out words. He tucks me against himself and I grip his shirt as though it's the only thing anchoring me to this plane of existence. He nods to the doorman and walks me to the elevator. Once we're inside his flat I finally let a few tears loose, and once the dam breaks it can't be resealed. I don't remember the last time I cried this much.

All this time... all those years of pushing myself, forcing myself, to do things that I didn't want to do, and do them perfectly. For nothing. So many years of self restraint and effort to try and make them proud, to make them love me, and this was my reward. Did they really care so little for me? That they could cast me out so unceremoniously? The anger tears at the unfairness of it all burned hotter than those of my deep, soul wrenching sadness. How could they do this to me? Their child? Just because I held onto the few things in my life that gave me happiness?

"Holy shit. What happened?" I vaguely acknowledge the other presence in the room, "Do we have to beat someone up?"

Seokjin's voice rumbles through his chest as he speaks. It's comforting but I still hurt. So much. "No." he sighs. "It's... I still don't know the full details."

He's stroking me hair, fingers combing through the strands, in an effort to comfort me. I'm not sure I can be comforted. But I try my best anyway, and try to breathe away the sobs, hiding my face in his chest. My breathing is still heavy, lurching every now and then, but I dry my eyes with my fingers, and manage to keep them dry. He pauses in his motions, hand resting lightly on the back of my head.

I lean back, keeping my gaze down. It's embarrassing to look at him. But he pats my cheeks with the sleeve of his hoodie, drying my tears properly with a gentle touch.

His voice is quiet. I realise abruptly that we're in his room. "Do you want to explain what happened?"

I chew on my lip. He drops onto his bed, gaze welcoming, and guides me to sit on his lap. His warmth is a godsend. "They... found out. About us. About the volleyball." I murmured, leaning my head on his shoulder. I was suddenly exhausted. "Well... they already knew, about the volleyball, but didn't say anything because I was getting good grades... but they saw me in Gangnam a few days ago and figured out that I'd come back earlier without telling them..."

"Shit..." I look up at him, then, expression almost panicked.

"It's my fault, I shouldn't have told them about you, they- they flipped out so bad, but I'm such a bad liar so when they asked questions it just made it worse..." I clench my fist in his hoodie, "I just thought maybe... maybe they'd be more accepting, because they know you, and you're successful and kind and responsible and everything they could want for me in a boyfriend. I thought they might even be happy for me." my tone turns bitter. "I thought... they might be happy that I'm happy, for once."

He rubs my back, but I refuse to cry anymore. "My mum called me a slut. Asked if I'd been sleeping with you since I was in school." I slowly made the transition from sad to angry. "Implied that that was how I got you to stick around even though you were so busy with school. My own Mother." then I'm sad again, hurt. "She really thinks so little of me."

He sighs softly. "Ju-eun.." his tone is sad, too, like he's sharing my pain. "I don't know what to say..."

I sigh too, and lean against him, wrapping my fingers around one of his hands in my lap. "Just... be with me." I murmur, the anxiety of my existence soul deep. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how to survive in the adult world. I don't have a job, or drive, or even a proper bank account... the only card I had was one that was a subset from my parents. That would be cut off, now, along with my phone, my tuition fees... "Oh god."

Suddenly he's alert. "What is it?"

"University." I breathe. "I forgot about university. They were paying my tuition, my housing, everything. I... I'll have to drop out."

"Holy-... yeah. Shit." he says, softly, frowning. I don't know how to feel. All my hard work, my friends, my teammates... I was on the starting lineup for the Inter-U tournament. That was my shot. All the thoughts in my head are overwhelming. There are so many things left open ended, so many problems without solutions. I can't sit still. I stand, abruptly.

"I'm-... I'm sorry, I... I need to go for a run."

"What?" I'm really not wearing appropriate clothes. All I have is my phone and what I'm wearing now, to my name. I'd dressed more formal for greeting my parents, in a blouse and skirt. But I don't care. I need to feel my blood pumping, my lungs burning, my legs aching. Jin just stares at me. He's standing, now, too. "It's so late, you can't go running now!"

"Please, I just- I'll just circle the block." he doesn't miss how I start to move backward, away from him. "I really need to clear my head."

"Then- at least let me come with you-"

"No!" he looks hurt by my vehement refusal, and I feel bad, but don't take it back. "I love you, but I need to be alone, I-... I'll only be like ten minutes."

I tear out of his apartment before he can stop me, down the hall and taking the stairs because the thought of standing in the elevator for ages makes me feel like my brain will break out of my skull.

The air outside is warm but not stifling, having cooled off a bit thanks to the sun retreating behind the horizon. It feels like my lungs can finally expand fully, like my airways are clearing, like my muscles are relaxing, as my feet pound the pavement. My sinuses cool, having been agitated by the crying, and I can breathe after what seemed like hours of suffocation. I get strange looks from passers by, but I don't care.

Seokjin's angry when I return, sweaty and a little pink faced and breathing hard. But it dissipates when I walk toward him and wrap my arms around his middle. I can hear him sigh. "Better?"

I nod against his chest. "Better."

He sighs again, then chuckles a little. "You must have looked crazy, sprinting around in officewear."

I didn't think I would have the energy to even smile, but somehow he brings a small laugh out of me. "Definitely." I tip my head back to look at his face. "Can we shower together?" I purse my lips, "I know we had a bath this morning but... I feel gross."

"You just sprinted around the block a bunch of times. Of course you feel gross." he says, but he's smiling. Wrapping his arms around my shoulders, he nuzzles my neck. "I'd love to." then, he laughs. "And I'll actually wash your hair for you this time."

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