The Commander and The Girl

Chapter 11

LEXA POV
I'm alone in the throne room able to succumb to my own thoughts. I don't know how to feel. I'm happy Clarke is here but why hadn't she tried to contact me sooner? She obviously didn't come here at her own free will.
I suppose I feel hurt.
Hurt she left me, hurt she let me believe she died, hurt she's actually here here.
I look out my window to the people below, my people.
Clarke almost let my people die at the hands of her people. She clouded my judgment, yet I loved her for it. I loved her. I don't know how I feel about her now. My body aches to be near her, to go straight to her bedchamber not caring who sees. But the commanders tell me to rid of her.
If not kill her, then to send her away. They say I should protect my people not hers, yet I still feel protective over her.
I leave the room and head to Kane to try and make sense of this all.
I knock before coming in. He's writing something on a paper, probably a note to his people warning them of what's to come.
"Kane."

He bows his head.
"Commander. What is it?"

"Why didn't you tell me Clarke was alive." I state my voice breaking.

"Abby wouldn't let me." I look at him knowing it's not he full truth.
"I sent word of it, yet I assume one of your people didn't allow you to read it." He looked ashamed to rat one of my own people out.
My fingers tap on the wall anxiously.
"Thank you for letting me know. I already know who it was." With that I turned on my heel and left going to the dungeons.

I open the door to his room. We've made him a makeshift room out of one of the dungeons. Even though he's done wrong he still raised me as a child. I look down at Titus in his frail state. He's on his knees praying.
"Titus." I command.
He looks up at me.
"Why does she still stand." He reprimands.
"Why did you not tell me of the message." I say ignoring him.
"She is no good for you Heda. You must see that. You've begun to accomplish great things without her and now that she stands alive you are pausing. Love is weakness Heda. You must see that after all this time!" He says gruffly.
It's nice to see imprisonment hasn't changed him.
"What I see is this Coalition on the brink of war. One that you know I will not allow happen."

"You may not be the commander to allow it." He says eyes burning a hole I the ground.
I'm confused.
"What do you mean by that?"
"Ice Nation wants you off the throne and Ontari on it. Even after they heard of Wanheda's death, many believe you've become foolish with you're relations with the sky people. Even though Roan is fond of their ambassador his people are not, and after the death of his mother they won't think twice to kill him off aswell."
Titus looks up to me.
"Heda war is brewing, and this time no one can stop it."

"Azgeda will need to take my head before that happens, and they already know what happened last time they challenged me!" I storm to the doors of the cell.
"Titus," I say almost a whisper.
"thank you for the information."
And with that the centuries lock his door and I head up the stairs hoping to unravel my thoughts.

When I get to my room I unburden myself from my heavy armor and go to my washroom. I light some candles next to my bath that I had my attendants warm up and climb in. I dip my head under letting the water wash away my paints and lean against the edge of the bath. I take some of the soap and begin to wash my arms letting my mind wander.
Could the Azgedas really overthrow Roan? If so who's to say they couldn't overthrow me? Aden was my most promising Nightblood, but compared to Ontari he's practically defenseless. I presume I'd have to hope my spirit is strong enough to guide Aden to victory. Maybe then he won't always have doubt over his reign. Ever since Luna ran the day of our fight, many believed I had something to do with it. Forming the Coalition helped to subdue the whispers, but now I don't think it will be enough. I've neglected the thoughts of my people for too long. Perhaps it would help to have their support for me and not just the spirit of the past commanders. The commanders have gotten restless. They've opposed almost every decision I've made recently, and Clarke isn't helping one bit. They believe war is the key to peace and survival, but I know war will just break apart the Coalition. Turn us against one another, just as I had at the mountain.
I hear a faint knock on my door as I step out of the bath.
I wrap myself in a cloth and tell them to enter. I step out with my clothing on, all but armor, to see who's there.
Daxt, one of my personal warriors, comes in looking uneasy.
"The prisoner Wanheda has requested your presence. She's threatened to kill herself if not."
Clarke would never be foolish enough to do that, I hope.
"She's not our prisoner, and I will be there shortly.
You have nothing to fear from Clarke." I reply.

Daxt leaves and I look at myself in the mirror. My hairs still wet and my face looks stoic, calm, fierce, yet my eyes betray me. They look worried, scared, vulnerable. I try to harden them but it doesn't work. Clarke is the only one who can break me, and I'm not even near her.
I take a deep breath and place the commanders symbol between my eyes. 
"I'm not weak." I mutter walking to the doors.
I go through the hallways winding and turning, only realizing too late I've subconsciously been taking the longer route. It was no use as I'm already standing outside the doors. I look at the centuries and motion for them to open the doors.
"Don't move or else I will do it!" I hear Clarke shout.
I walk into view and see her holding the dagger I left her to her throat. I motion for the doors to close and she lowers the knife.
"So you do care about me." Clarke meekly says.
"More than I'd care to admit." I feel my face softening but force it to harden.
"Then why are you about to go to war with my people?"
She pleads.
"Jus drein jus daun. My actions caused by your opinions will not change decades of life. My people have lived through those words since the beginning. Not even you can change it." I could feel tears threatening to spill. My eyes are always the first to betray me.
"I did nothing. You did Lexa." I hold my breath as I hear my name escape her lips.
"I only helped you see what you could do." She insists.
"I didn't need your help, the commanders are all that I need to guide my actions."
I'm starting to sound like Titus, maybe he wasn't all wrong.

"Screw those commanders! They weren't the ones who saved your life!" Clarke hissed becoming angrier by the second.

"Maybe I didn't need saving. My spirit will guide the next commander, and the one after that. I can't control what's to come, yet you seem insistent that you can." I take a step closer to her. She looks worn out. Weaker. Not the same person I shared a bed with.

"Are you talking about your death? Lexa contrary to your beliefs, I'm not going to let you die!" She looks at me taking a note from my book and hardens her own face.

"How do you think you can control me living, when you almost died!" I close the space between us looking into her eyes. I could almost always read her, yet here she is looking empty.
"Clarke you let me think you were dead." I whisper breaking contact.
I walk away and face the window looking out. I feel my face breaking, but I don't care anymore. My eyes go blurry and my sleeves turn wet as I wipe my face. I hear Clarke moving around behind me but I don't turn around.

"I thought you were dead." Clarke says breaking the silence.

"What do you mean?" I choke out.

"My mother had me believe you were dead." She took a deep breathe. "She didn't want me to leave again. The only reason I'm here is because Kane drugged me. I thought Ontari was commander and I was being traded for peace." She says quietly walking up beside me.

I turn to look at her. Her eyes are red.
"I would never let that happen." I whisper.
"You would if you were dead." She darkly chuckled looking back at the city.
"My spirit wouldn't let it."
I counter. She looks at me stubbornly.
"Lexa your spirit will never be the same you. Don't think you're life means nothing just because your spirit will live on in the next." She looks at me trying to make me understand. I softly nod looking down.
Without looking up I leave knowing she's still watching me. I head back to my room trying to stay clear of my people.