The Commander and The Girl

Chapter 36

CLARKE POV

I've been staring at the spot Octavia was standing, my mind clouded in rage. I grab a thin nightgown and pull it over my head, sliding against my body. It was made of something fine, and soft. I tear a slit so my leg can freely walk without any resistance and grab my dagger. Carving a small X into the wall in front of me I take a step back and throw the blade. It lands too low and I grab it by the handle. I walk back to my spot and throw. I do this until the wall is littered with markings deep and shallow.
I hear a knock on my door and throw the dagger at the X, a perfect throw.
"I'm assuming you'll come inside anyway." I state watching as Lexa walks in. She's still wearing her armor, and has a glassy look in her eyes. I turn my head and swiftly reach for the dagger. Not paying attention I grab the blade, not the handle, and slit my hand trying to yank it out. I hiss as blood drips down my palm.
"Clarke." Lexa breathes running to me. I hold my hand up and take a deep breath.

"Stop." I taking the blade out with my good hand and placing it in my sheath.
"I don't need your help." I mutter smearing my hand in my gown. I walk over to the bed and rip the sheets, using a small piece to wrap my hand.
Lexa hasn't moved from where I scolded her.

"Remind you of something?" She chuckles softly. I try to advert my gaze.
"Clarke you should really let me help. You can't wrap that with one hand."
I'm trying to tie the clothe with my free hand and my teeth when I give in to her offer. Wordlessly I turn to her and let her look at my wound.
She unwraps my sloppily done bandage and pours water over the cut. She meets my eyes, searching for something. I harden under her gaze. Seeming defeated she returns to cleaning the cut with the clothe I earlier ripped. Satisfied with her job she wraps it again and drops my hand lightly.
She opens her mouth to speak, but I aggressively interrupt her.
"You don't have to try and make me feel better. I know what I've done. What you've done."
She nods and takes a step toward me.
"Then you know we're all here because of that. I know it feels bad. It always will, but you can't keep that bottled up." She doesn't move, and I only realize now how close she is.

"I already tried to talk about it. Guess no one likes a pity party." I say lamely.
Her eyes pierce mine.
"Maybe you haven't been talking to the right person."
My breathe hitched as she steps forward. I grab the back of her head and pull her lips to mine. She leans into the kiss and I embrace the comfort, the warmth she radiates. She breaks the kiss and looks me in the eyes. I didn't realize I'd begin to cry until she wipes a tear off my face.

"Clarke we don't have to if you don't want-"
I cut her off looking deep into her eyes.
"I've done a lot of things, this one I want to do."
She pulls me in and we both back up to my bed, falling onto the soft mattress.

I feel a soft kiss at my temple and Lexa wraps her arms around my waist as I place my head next to hers. I pull the fur closer to my body against the cool air and meet her lips with a soft kiss.
"I'm sorry." I whisper. I focus on the tattoo wrapping her arm.
"I'm sorry I've been distant. I'm sorry I've tried so hard to ruin things. I'm sorry-"
Lexa stops me placing a hand along my cheek.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." She whispers.
"I was the one who abandoned you that day. I used my head, not my heart and yet I wonder every day how different things would be if I hadn't." She leans her forehead against mine and I can feel her tears meeting my cheeks.

"I guess we both regret our decisions" I laugh quietly.
Lexa's voice is barely above a whisper.
"Not this one."
I feel my heart ache as she moves the hair from my face, wrapping her arm around back, tracing shapes. I smile as my mind falls into the abyss of slumber.