The Commander and The Girl

Chapter 34

LEXA POV
I watch as Clarke leaves my throne room and settle back onto my seat, not calling upon my advisors per usual.
I fiddle with an in smoothed splinter sticking up from my chair. Maybe one day we can give into the illusion of peace, but we will never be given the full luxury of it.

I am the Commander of 13 clans and she of the Commander of Death. Both are titles we have earned whether it was wanted or not , and neither can be returned. Our titles leave when our souls leave or body. My life will forever be dedicated to my people, and so will Clarke's. Neither of us can escape our destinies.
A soft knock echoes through my room as Gaia welcomes herself in.

"I tried to calm the ambassadors Heda. I apologize for the chaos." She assures walking to the side of my throne.
I wave off my hand to show it's no matter. I try to force a question out as I think long and hard about how to word it.

"Gaia, have you ever cared for someone besides your mother?" I ask her hesitant for her response. She smiles and looks far beyond her years as she replies.

"Yes, there was a boy, Isaac. He used to visit the village I lived at before I was called to become the next Fleimkepa. I'd meet with him as often as I could. He was my first love." She's only three years younger than I yet she acts as though this was a time of the past.

"What happened to him?" I ask focusing on the splinter.

"He passed. Was killed in the group that was massacred." She says softly, though she speaks of no grief.
"He was a good man, doing what he believed was right, as were Skaikru. They thought they were doing what was right even though it was so, very wrong."
I look at her confused.

"How can you hold no hatred for them?" I ask.

"Because they hold the most for themselves." She responds. I take a moment and think. Indra comes in soon after, a look of stress ridden over her face.

"Heda, the ambassadors are becoming needy. We must show an example of those who go against you. I propose we kill those banished along with the assassins tonight." She insists. I stand knowing I have to do what needs to be done.

"I will kill the assassins and those who harmed Clarke, but I won't kill Pike and Bellamy. Pike will be killed at Gaia's ceremony." I take a moment to think of what Gaia said. They all hold the most hate for themselves.
"And Bellamy will be a mark of grief. His punishment is to live his days alone, knowing he betrayed everyone he loves." I state walking to Indra's height.

"You have served me well." I whisper.
"Now allow me to avenge you."
I leave the room and walk to Clarke's.
She's staring out of her window and barely notices my arrival.

"You're killing them today aren't you?" She asks.
"The ambassadors are quite belligerent in spreading the word to the people."
She points to the town square, where some have gone mad shouting curses to the assassins.

"Yes. You don't have to witness it. I know it will be hard." I try to comfort her.

"No. It's fine. I can't hide from myself from what I've caused." She turns to face me.

"Clarke you can't always blame yourself for their deaths."

"But they can." She takes her eyes away from my people.
"I've killed so many people Lexa. I don't want to be responsible for more." She's trying to belittle herself. Make her the bad guy.

"Clarke, please. Don't hurt yourself over this. Those deaths are at my command not yours. I can take this burden off of you." I try to insist, but it only seems to make things worse.

"How can you kill them so emotionlessly. Those are people Lexa. They have families. You think taking a life makes you strong? It doesn't. It makes you weak, it chips away at your heart until there's nothing left. So tell me what's left?" She looks so angry, so lonely. She's trying to push me away and no matter how hard I try to pull I always let go.

"I killed someone when I was first 9 years old. I took part in killing my first hundred people by the time I was 11. I became Heda after killing 7 children my age. I've killed more people than you, Wanheda. Yet no matter how hard I try my heart stands it's ground." I walk closer to her. So close I can see her dried tears.
"Killing someone doesn't make you weak, but it doesn't make you strong. It's blaming yourself that weakens you. You believe that you hold the weight of all of your people Clarke? That their pain follows you? It doesn't." She shakes as if she's about to break. I breath heavily feeling my tension rise.
"Please Clarke. Don't let the pain ruin you." She looks so empty, yet I've never seen her more clear. I can see the heartbreak, guilt, blame, her despair. She looks cracked, unfixable. I look at her one last time before backing away.

"I'll tell the others not to be expecting you." I whisper opening the door.
"Don't blame yourself Clarke."

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It's been an hour since I last left Clarke and the city buzzes with the news of the executions. Clarke reportedly hasn't left her room since, so it's good to know she won't be watching them. Eight people will die tonight at my hands. I put on my cloak and walk outside, hearing the cheers guide me. I walk up the stairs onto my stage and walk to my throne. Everyone bows and rises as I stand.

"Tonight we kill 8 men who have committed treason. These 6 have killed 300 of our brothers and sisters, while these two have lied to you, to me. The punishment is death!" I hear shouts as people holler for murder. This is entertainment for them.

"At moonrise they will all be burned at the fire as we right their wrongs. Their leaders will be spared. Pike will be killed on the Fleimkepa's Ceremony and Bellamy will be taken as an example of what happens to those who cross me. He will live his days in guilt, in sorrow, and in self loathing." My people have mixed reactions to this, but his fate is not up to them. I leave the stage as my people cheer. Tonight they will ravish in men's deaths, tomorrow I will regret it.