You Deserve

50

Marli

I crossed my arms as I sulked down into my seat in the waiting room. Lani had been in the room with Titus for about 30 minutes anow while I just sat here... Thinking. I wanted to go see him but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It felt wrong being here, but in a sense it also felt right. At the time, I felt like I was doing the right thing but I just felt so guilty being here. I shouldn't have snapped on August like that but he was wrong, he shouldn't have beat him like this. Everything just happened so fast. My emotions were all over the place once I saw Titus. I don't know if it was just the shock of seeing him, the shock of seeing Aug beating him into a pulp, or both. I just don't know. I sighed in frustration as I ran my fingers through my hair.

"Go."

I looked up to see a puffy eyed Lani standing a few feet away from me. She exhaled before wiping her face and crossing her arms, staring at me intently.

"You shouldn't be here, involved in this mess. Go home to Aug, that's where you belong."

I chewed the inside of my cheek before I reluctantly rose from my seat. After I gathered my belongings I shot her a reassuring look. She nodded her head and forced a smile and exited my presence. I ran my fingers through my hair before leaving the building and to the hell I was about to face back at the house.

30 minutes later

I slowly pulled up to Mama Shelia's house and watched as people departed. I clutched the steering wheel as my stomach fluttered uncontrollably. I know Aug is pissed at me and he has every right to be. I thought I was doing the right thing by making sure the kid was okay but maybe it was the wrong move. I just felt bad and I wasn't thinking straight when I left. I groaned as I slammed my my hands on the steering wheel before resting my head upon it. Moments later I was brought out of my frustrated trance by a soft knock on my window. I looked up to see Mama Shelia standing by the passenger window. I unlocked the door and she made her way inside.

"Whew, it's a little chilly out here."

"Yeah, it is." I mumbled, trying to force a smile.

I stared at the house as I felt a lump rise in my throat. I tried to force back my oncoming tears but it was no use. I whisked away the pesky tears that dared to fall. I want crying because I was sad, I was tying because I was tired. I'm tired of trying to do the right thing by people but it's never good enough.

"Come here, shh it's alright baby, it's okay."

Mama Shelia wrapped her arm around me as I balled into her chest.

"It's gonna be alright baby." She assured.

I shook my head as I released myself from her grip and rested my head against the window.

"I try so hard Mama and it's just not good enough. I just want to make everyone happy, I wanna make sure everyone is alright and it's like no matter how hard I try it's never good enough. I didn't mean to snap on him, I was scared. When I saw Titus lying there I didn't see him, I saw me. And in that moment I felt like he needed to be helped because no one was there to help me when I was in that position. I just reacted off of sudden impulse, I felt bad and I just wanted to help him. I love August with all of my heart, I'd never intentionally choose somebody over him. He's a great man and I didn't mean to upset him." I confessed as tears spilled from my eyes.

"It's like the good never wins. No matter how hard we try we always end up in the wrong."

Mama Shelia gently placed her hand on my chin, turning my head to face her.

"You had every right to react that why. I understand, I've been in that position but Aug doesn't understand that. He doesn't know that type of pain like we do, he never will. But you don't let that stop you from being you. You're a wonderful girl with a big heart. I know what your intentions were and deep down he does too so don't beat yourself up about this. You did what anyone else would do if they knew how that felt. Stop crying, it's gon be alright."

She kissed my forehead and proceeded to wipe away my remaining tears.

"Now, let's get out of this cold air. You know mama gettin old, ain't nobody got time for this weather."

After earning a laugh out of me we exited the car hand in hand until we made it to the front door.

"He's upstairs, huffin and puffin of course." She stated rolling her eyes.

I gave a weak smile before turning the knob and entering the house. I sluggishly made my way upstairs as my stomach was practically falling out of my ass. It's not that I was scared of Aug, I'm scared of what he's going to do, what he's going to say. After seeing him lash out like that it's safe to say he put some kind of fear in my heart. That's a side of him I'd never want to see again and I pray I don't see it once I hit this room.

I turned the knob to his room and peeked in, seeing him sitting on the bed wrapped in towel, typing away on his phone. I finally walked in and his eyes immediately met mine. I swallowed hard as he flared his nostrils and directed his attention back to his phone.

"Aug..." I called out as I closed the door behind me.

I wasn't surprised when he didn't respond. Instead he continued to type furiously on his phone.

"August please."

"That was some real foul shit you pulled and whatever excuse you done pulled out your ass, ion wanna hear it. You fucked up."

"I know I'm fucked up and I'm sorry but-"

"But what Marli? Ain't no muthafuckin buts, you picked a nigga that whooped yo ass over me. Man gon head with all that bullshit son. You dead wrong and you know it."

I couldn't do anything but look down. He was right, I am wrong and there is no justifying what I did but he won't let me explain. There's no use in trying to argue with him, when his mind is set on something there's no persuading him. In his eyes I'm dead wrong.

"I ain't been nothin but good to you, and you do me dirty like this. You foul as fuck and you full of shit."

"You're doing too much right now August, just let me explain."

"Explain what, how you full of shit." He chuckled.

"You ain't gotta explain shit to me, ion give a fuck nomore. I ain't finna fight nor stress over no broad that wanna act dumb. You chose that nigga, go 'explain' shit to that nigga cause I don't want to hear it."

"You're so fucking rude and disrespectful! I know I fucked up and like I said before I apologize, I'm sorry! If I chose him over you I wouldn't be standing here right now trying to make shit right!"

"Whatever man." He huffed.

I sniffed as I watched him walk over to the dresser, grabbing some boxers and sweatpants. He stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him leaving me standing there.

I sat on the bed and buried my head in my hands.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid." I repeated as my chest heaved up and down.

I'm tired of crying and I'm tired of fighting. I'm fighting for what? Absolutely nothing. No one is ever satisfied with what I do, somebody always wants something and I have nothing left to give. I'm over this fighting shit. I zipped up my jacket and grabbed my keys before rushing out of the house.