Stained

Chapter 50

My hand shakes as I struggle to pull on his buckle. Why won't it get out of the stupid thing!

When I move to yank on it again, Damien interrupts me by grabbing my hand. He says something, but I cannot hear it past the loud buzz of panic ringing in my ears.

I use my other hand to pull on the buckle, but as soon as I make contact, a sharp splintering pain shoots up my arm, making me cry out. And just like that, my resolve crumbles, my fight dies, and the floodgates open.

I choke on a sob. Tears are mercilessly streaming down my cheeks. Damien grabs my right bicep when I move my bad hand down to his belt again. Even though I barely have any life in me, I can't seem to stop; my anxiety overrides all my senses.

I hate being like this. I can't begin to explain how much I hate being like this. It's just a hospital. Places shouldn't trigger me. What is wrong with me? Why am I so messed up?

"Fuck hazel, stop!" Grabbing both my arms, he shoves me back against the steering wheel, but not hard enough to cause me pain. The sudden, loud honk erupted from the movement startles me to the point where my head focuses.

And then his words hit me like a tsunami; he said to stop. That one word snaps me out of it, disgust toward myself replacing my panic. How many times did he tell me to stop, and I didn't hear it? And if it weren't for the loud honk of his car, would I have heard it? God, what was I doing?

I try to pull my arms out of his grasp because of how unrelenting his grip is. I'm not going to reach for his belt again, but my tongue feels so heavy I can't move it to voice the words, all I can do is whimper.

"Hazel, look at me!" I can't move my eyes either. "Hazel!"

I move to pull myself off of him, but I suppose he thinks I'm trying to reach down for his belt again — not that I blame him — because he lifts my arms above my head. The fact that he's being careful not to touch my cuts makes more tears flow down my cheeks.

"Hazel look at me," he demands, his voice much harsher this time.

I keep my eyes trained on his black t-shirt, waiting... hoping for the darkness to swallow me up like it always does, maybe then I won't be aware of being in the hospital.

"Hazel fucking look at me!" He booms.

I choke on a sob, then another, and suddenly I can't stop choking on them as big fat ugly heavily stream down my cheeks. They blur my vision and make my head swim.

"Shit, come here." Damien lets go of my arms and pulls me to his chest. I rest my cheek against his shoulder and cry. Cry because I'm broken. Cry because I'll never be happy. And cry because I'll never be fixed.

Something cracks within me. I feel it vibrate throughout my whole body, it shatters everything within me, and for a moment, I freeze, wondering if Damien can feel it too.

"Please don't make me go in there," I rasp.

He pulls me back to look at my face, and I squeeze my eyes shut. "Rose..." he croaks out the word like it's causing him physical pain. "Did... did someone- did someone hurt you?" He stutters.

Whatever minuscule amount of composure I had left within me burns out. It causes a deep ache within my chest that intensifies each time a tear rolls down my cheek and falls onto his t-shirt.

Once again, my cousin's words hit me like a truck, but this time worse than ever before because of his words. "People go through worse things than you, yet they don't act the way you do," she said after I let myself be vulnerable around her and share my feelings and the reactions I had zero control over. Still don't.