Push

Chapter 36

Cameron Santiago POV

I showed them the article that was posted and explained how I just blacked out after reading it. I don't remember anything after that. One minute I'm reading the article and the next I'm in Ali's lap. I somehow managed to cut my hand, and the team doctor was around so he stitched my hand up. I'm now laying in bed with my head on Ash's stomach as Kelley and Ali cleaned the room.

"Did I do that to your face?" I looked up and noticed a bruise forming on Ash's nose bridge.

"Don't worry about it." She puts a sad smile on her face.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't mean it." I start to tear up. Is this the new me? Do I just hurt people? I have always hurt people when I didn't mean to.

"No don't be upset. It was an accident."

"An accident that could have been easily prevented if I could control myself." I say frustrated. I see Ash understanding where I am coming from. She understands what happens when one loses their self-control.

I sit up on the bed.

"Ali." I call out to her.

"Yeah, Cam?" She looks up from picking up glass.

"I need to do something. Can you come with me?"

"What are you going to do?" Ash questions me.

"Something I couldn't face. Something I should have done a long time ago."

I put on shorts, a t-shirt, and my running shoes as Ali goes and gets her clothes and shoes from her room. She meets up with me when she finishes and I lead the way outside the hotel.

"Where are we going?" She asks.

"When I ran back yesterday, I saw a park. I'll explain what I'm going to do when we get there." She stays silent until we reach our destination. The park had a decent amount of people, so I guided us somewhere where we can have some privacy. There was a tree a couple of yards from everyone and we went and sat underneath it.

"Dr. Lauren said that I need to do an exercise to help me process the incident." I explain to Ali. "I tried it, but I could never finish it."

"And you want to try it now with me?" Ali questions.

"I need you because you are my rock. You were there with me in those moments and I need you to be there for me as I recall the memories. I have to take five deep breaths and count them aloud. Each breath I take, I have to remember a moment from that situation. I don't want to be angry or numb anymore. I will just get hurt or hurt someone else in the process and that's not me." I see her grin as I finish talking.

"What are you smiling about?"

"The old you is coming back." She tears up a little.

"Okay, I'm going to close my eyes and start."

I close my eyes, and take a deep breath in. My mind flashes to Jake pulling out the gun and placing it on the counter. "One." I say exhaling.

I take in another breath. My mind flashes to Jake holding the gun against Ali. "Two." I exhale.

I take another breath. My mind flashes to me holding a gun against Ali's head. The fear in her eyes. The undeniable shaking of my hands holding the gun. "Three."

I take another breath in. My mind flashes to me withdrawing the gun from Ali's head to my temple. I hear Ali begging me to stop. Her voice shatters my already broken heart. She shouldn't even be in this mess. It's all my fault. It's the only way to end things. "Four." I shakely say.

I draw my last breath for the exercise. My mind flashes to me shooting Jake over and over again. I look at what I have done. I'm as bad as the people that murdered my family. I'm a murderer. But I didn't have a choice. It needed to be done. "Five."

I open my eyes and break down again. It's like the tiniest of weight has been lifted off my shoulders but it's enough for me to notice. Ali holds me and comforts me.

"Am I a bad person for killing him?" I ask.

"No, sweetie. He was going to hurt us and you were just protecting us. I would have done the same thing." Ali answers calmly.

"I'm sorry I held the gun to your head. I'm sorry for putting you in danger." I sob into her arms.

"It's okay. It's okay. I forgive you." She strokes my hair.

We sat there for a couple of more minutes and I saw Ali nod off a couple of times and tell her to lay her head in my lap and she listened. I hear her breathing even out and know she fell asleep within seconds.

Everyone knows she hasn't been sleeping and that's affecting her playing and it's just bad for her mental health, so I just let her sleep.

A few hours later, the sun is setting and the weather is starting to get chilly. Ali is still asleep so I decide to text Ash if she can bring a blanket and jackets. I also send her the address to the park. About fifteen minutes later she shows up.

"Hi." I whisper, not wanting to wake up Ali.

"Hi." She smiles, wraps a blanket around me and one around Ali, as she sits down beside me.

"Do you think addiction runs in the family?" I ask Ash.

"I do." She simply says.

"Why is the universe against me?" I ask not thinking of the words leaving my mind.

"I don't know, but you have to understand sometimes things are just out of your control. It's not your fault everytime bad things happen." She tries to reassure me.

"But there's always a black cloud following me and whenever I get close to someone, they feel the effects of it." I look at her saying.

She doesn't say anything and just wraps her arms around me not having a comment.

"Should we wake her up?" I ask Ashlyn.

"This is probably the most sleep she has gotten without waking up from a nightmare since the whole situation happened." She tells me. "But I think we should, or else she won't be able to sleep the night."