Push

Chapter 55

Cameron Santiago POV

I knock on Ali and Ash's door. Ali opens it up and looks surprised to see me.

"Can I crash here tonight?"  I ask.

"Of course! Is everything okay?" She asks as I see Ash clear the other bed of clothes so I can sleep on it.

"Yeah, Kelley is in my bed." As soon as the words left my mouth I saw Ali and Ash's heads snap to look at me.

"Oh, okay. Any reason why?" Ash asks.

"She was drunk at a bar, kissed me, so I took her back to the hotel, and she ended up locked out of her room." I shortly explained.

"Oh." They both say.

"Did you enjoy the kiss?" Ash asked which earned her a slap from Ali.

"I'm just so confused. I have a boyfriend. I'm not gay or bi?" I look at them.

"Hey don't throw labels at yourself." Ali tells me. My mind is racing. Am I bi? I can't be.

"I can't be. I can't." I mutter to myself repeatedly. I feel arms move and sit on the edge of the bed.

"Cammy, you okay?" One of them asked but the voice's in my head are louder.

"I can't be," I say again. I feel myself break down. "If I say it outloud it'll be true." I speak to myself.

"Cameron, you need to breathe." But I don't focus on their words. I focus on the ones in my head.

"Listen to my voice, you are okay." One of them repeats. I need to get out of here. I feel the space around me enclosed.

"I need to go. I can't breathe. I can't breathe" I say getting up and making my way out the door.

"Cameron!" They exclaim but I keep going.

"I got this." I hear one of them say as I make my way down the hall and to the staircase. I take two stairs at a time to get me up to the roof. I need air. I feel like I am suffocating. It's real. It's real. I pace as I get to the roof.

Ali Krieger POV

Cameron bolted out of our room and I went after her. I told Ash to let me go alone. I don't know what's happening in Cameron's mind but she's freaking out and the less people the better right now. As I follow her, we end up on the roof. I don't think she noticed my presence as she paces back and forth. I let her be. She continues to whisper to herself and freak out. After a couple of minutes of pacing, I see her put her arms against a vent trying to catch her breath. I decide now is a good time to intervene.

"Cameron." I try to make my presence known before I touch her, but I don't get her attention.

"I can't breathe. I can't breathe." She tugs at the collar of her t-shirt as if that is going to suddenly help her. I decide to grab her shoulders which makes her breakdown more.

"It's just me, Ali. I'm not going to hurt you." I catch her as her knees go weak. As times before, I pull her onto my lap so her back is against my chest. "I got you. I just need you to breathe. Cammy, follow my breathing. In and out." I instruct.

"It can't be real." She whispers. I feel her hyperventilating. "I can't be."

"No matter what it is, you are going to be okay. I have you." I reassure her.

"Things aren't okay." She gasps out.

"Just breathe, Cammy. Please listen to my voice. I've got you. You are okay, I got you." I whisper in her ear. Eventually her breathing returns to a reasonable level.

"I can't, Ali." She whispers as leans herself back into me. She lets out a shaky breath.

"Can't what, sweetie?"

"I can't like girls." I'm confused. I stay silent and she repeats the phrase over again. "I can't like girls."

"Why not?" I tread carefully.

"They would be so disappointed in me." I feel her tears drip onto my arms wrapped around her body.

"Who?"

"My parents." I'm shocked. "They were so religious. That's one thing they were so against. If I say I like Kelley, things will be real. I can't do that to my parents. They gave me everything and for me to become something they were so against will break them. It will break me."

"Cammy." I say with a softness in my voice as I realize what she means.

"Ali, they would be so disappointed in me. They won't love me." Her voice cracks.

"Shhh, it's okay. Let's keep talking it out." I whisper.

"I have nothing against the LGBTQ+ community, and I support everyone in it, but I can't do that to my parents. They would murder me of they were here. I know they are watching down on me. I can't be someone they viewed as sinners."

"Do you think people in the LGBTQ+ are sinners, Cam?" I ask her.

"No. Not at all." She shakes her head.

"What do you think they'll say if they were here?" I ask her another question.

"They would be shocked, speechless, and disappointed."

"Mhm. And what would they do when they get over the shock and disappointment?" I push her mind a little further. She shrugs her shoulders. "Do you think at one point, they'll get over it? Because from what you have told me, they were very supportive of who you were."

"But they aren't here, so I don't even know anymore." She says and gets up from my embrace.

"I think they'll love you regardless. They may be taken aback and disappointed at first, but I think they'll love their daughter no matter what." I stand up and face her. "I know it's hard to hear but they would have eventually accepted who you are."

"All I hear are their voices shaming the people in the community." She starts pacing again.

"Love is love. You can't hide how you feel or else it will eat you alive. This is coming from personal experience. You shouldn't hide the true you to satisfy others."

"But they are my parents, Ali. They aren't just some random people. You have no idea how much I respect them and what they wanted. They didn't want a bisexual daughter. They didn't want a kid who likes the same sex." I see the internal battle happening in her mind.

"You have to understand that they should respect you as well. If you happen to like girls, they would have eventually respected you as a person. They'll feel whatever they would have wanted to feel but eventually they would have gotten over it."

I see more tears leave her eyes as she listens to my words.

"I know it's hard, but they would have accepted the fact that you have feelings for someone of the same sex. At the end of the day, parents just want their children to be happy and safe." I walk up to her and stop her pacing.

"I can't bear the thought of what they are thinking of me right now." She says.

"Might have given them a shock, but I think they are proud of you. Everything you have been through shows how strong you are. I think they would hug you and just say how much they love and support you." I say and wipe the tears off her face.

"Why are you crying?" She asks me. I go to tell her I'm not but I feel the tears on my cheek.

"I'm proud of you. I love you so much, kid." I wrap my arms around her knowing how hard her life has been. To have her face this and come to terms with her true self makes me think of myself and how reserved coming out.

"I promise they would have loved you and accepted you, Cammy." I whisper in her ear. I feel her relax in my embrace as she accepts my words. I know she knows it's true but she's just scared. She's scared, but she's dealing with it and I couldn't be prouder of her.