Push

Chapter 60

Cameron Santiago POV

I couldn't protect her. She had so much potential. She was the one out of me, her, and Jacob to have a future and a successful life. She was smart and kind. She didn't deserve pain or suffering. It was never supposed to end up like this.

It's been three days since her funeral and a little over a week since she died. Ash and Ali requested emergency leave for them and myself from camp. Teammates have been coming in and out of the house checking on me and sending their condolences. I've just been staying in bed drowning in my thoughts and darkness. Kelley has been coming by everyday for a couple of hours. She would talk to Ash and Ali for a couple of minutes before coming into my bed and cuddling me. She talks to me about the team and the newest gossip hoping to cheer me up, but I don't crack. I can't feel anything. I'm numb.

"Cameron it's been three days. When am I going to hear that beautifully raspy voice of yours?" Kelley says. I've also been silent since the funeral. I want to say something but nothing comes out. I hear her sigh as silence fills the air after her question. I want to tell her I'm trying but again nothing leaves my mouth.

"I called Dr. Lauren Scott." She says and I turn over to look into her eyes. "Cameron you're not doing okay. I hate seeing you suffer in silence."

I grab my phone and type, "Leave," in the notes app before showing Kelley. I see the hurt flash across her face.

"Cameron." She sighs but I just pull away my body from hers and throw the blanket over my head. I just want to be alone. I don't want anybody. She soon gets the hint and leaves my room. I hear her talking to Krashlyn that nothing has changed from my end. She talks about me shutting out the world and shutting down. She said Dr. Scott is coming tomorrow to see if she can help me out. I don't think she can. This is different.

"Cammy, Ash made dinner. You want to sit with us?" Ali comes into my room a few hours later.

I nod and make my way to the kitchen island. We all sit in silence and eat the pasta Ashlyn made. I feel them keep looking at me as if they are hoping I would speak, but I don't. They end up talking with each other as I just listened in.

Soon they told me they were planning to watch a movie and if I wanted to join which I did. As we settled in the living room, I went right into Ashlyn's arm. She welcomed me with open arms and just held me. Ali joined sitting on the other side of Ash. At some point in the movie, I must have fallen asleep because I feel Ali waking me up.

"You want to sleep next to us tonight?" She suggests and I nod. They just make me feel safe.

As we lay in bed, I just zone out and stare at the wall. My thoughts over taking my mind. How could I have let this happen? I wasn't there for her enough and now it's my fault she isn't here. Everyone I care about just leaves me. Now I'm just waiting for the day Ash, Ali, and Kelley will leave from my life. The thought brings me to tears and I start crying again. I guess Ash noticed because she pulls me tighter in her embrace and strokes my hair to bring me sort of comfort. Like that we fall asleep and before I know it, morning comes.

"Good morning." Ash says, still in the same position as last night. "Dr. Lauren is coming by in an hour. Ali made breakfast for us. How about you shower and get dressed before heading to the kitchen." I nod to her request. Soon I am all ready and start eating. When I finish I head outside and just wait.

"Hi, Cameron." An all too familiar voice reaches my ear. I look up and see my therapist taking a seat in front of me. "I'm so sorry for your loss."

I stay silent.

"So Cameron, Kelley called me and told me about the situation going on. I also spoke to Ali and Ash for a few minutes to get a better understanding." She pauses before she continues. "I would ask how you're holding up, but it's probably not good."

I look at her giving a "Oh shit, really" look.

"What happened was not your fault." She says as if she's reading my mind. "She was mentally ill, Cameron. Nobody knew. It's not your fault she's dead."

Her words cause me to zone me out. All I can keep thinking about is that she's wrong. It is my fault.

"How about we kick the soccer ball to each other?" She says getting up, heading to the patch of grass. I get up and follow her. "We are just going to pass the ball with each other. We don't need to talk."

We stay silent and just pass the ball around while moving to different spots in the yard. Eventually I stop the ball and head to my room not wanting to continue. Dr. Lauren doesn't even try to stop me.

Ashlyn Harris POV

"I think the incident pushed her to the edge." Dr. Lauren comes in after we watch Cameron come inside and shut her door. "All the trauma and pain she endured in her life built up and this just topped it all off."

"Why isn't she talking anymore?" Ali questions and I slide my hand into hers.

"I believe she has, what is called, selective mutism. It's not that she doesn't want to talk but when she tries she freezes and the words won't come out."

"How can we help?" I ask just wanting Cameron to get back to her regular self.

"Don't push her to talk. Be patient. Don't get upset at her because she can't use her words." The therapist tells us. "Do you know if she thinks this is her fault?"

"When we found her all she kept saying was how she was supposed to protect her, so probably. They grew up in foster care together and Cam took Abigail under her wing. She protected her when nobody else did." I explain knowing a little bit of how their friendship was.

"I'll be back tonight, if that's okay, for another session with her." She asks.

"Yes, please. We just want to help her as best as we can." Ali jumps to say.