Suck It And See? (Alex Turner Fanfiction)

XVI.

I am not walking home this time, I take a bus instead. Lucky me, I don’t have to wait too long and the bus I get on is almost empty. The driver looks bored and there only are one old man and a woman with two small children. I sit down and realise I am still holding the CD Alex gave me. I don’t know if I want to listen to it anymore. I put it in my backpack and stare at the seat that is in front of me for the next fifteen minutes. When I finally get home I go straight to my room and end up in my bed. I have no idea what to do. I start crying and fall asleep.

When I wake up I can see it is getting dark outside. I have a lot of studying to be done today so I open a book but I cannot focus on the text written inside. I have never felt so lost in my life. I haven’t even argue with Jude nor Alex but I can feel I am disappointed.

And I am sure Jude is disappointed in me as well.

And Alex? I know he looked like a vain guy who makes out with every single girl at first, but when I got to know him a bit better, he seemed so nice! His guitar lessons with Nina, my lesson with him… we had such a pleasant conversation! And now he calls Bree pathetic?! Would he tell her the same about me? Why did he even spend all that time with me?

I can’t find any answers but keep asking myself the same questions for the rest of the evening.

The next two weeks are terrible for me. I try to avoid Jude as much as possible which turns out to be quite easy as he is certainly doing the same. I tell Bree I take bus because I am still weak. It is true, but I wouldn’t skip the walks with her and Jude if it weren’t for the fact I feel awkward in front of Jude. Or I think I would feel awkward.

I don’t even go to cafeteria anymore so we barely see each other.

And Alex? Well, he has been skipping the English classes so I thought he decided to let the whole thing be. He showed up today though. He haven’t look at me once.

We have been sitting in the class for about twenty minutes now and I barely listen to Mr Smith. I can’t focus at all. I keep staring at Alex’s dark brown messy hair. I know Bree noticed but I have nothing to conceal anymore.

I feel more distant to Alex now than I have a month ago when we talked for the first time. These two weeks without exchange of single word with the boy made me realise how much I liked him. Something about him made me feel good for who I am, as cliché as it sounds.

Alex suddenly stops my chain of thoughts when he swiftly turns on his chair. Now he has the windows behind and the whole class in front of him.

He always used to do it. I find it odd, doesn’t he feel awkward when he faces his classmates instead of Mr Smith? It is definitely handier to look at the blackboard than to look at guys who don’t give a damn and girls who start blushing because they think he is watching them. I remember he winked at me twice the first time he did it.

I bet he noticed I was looking at him. He turned so fast. I’m not sure but I feel like our eyes even met for a nanosecond.

I keep staring at the blackboard for the rest of the lesson. Just in case.

I am lost in thoughts again so I don’t notice when the bell rings and start packing too late. My plan was to run from the class so there is no chance I will get in contact with Alex, but it obviously failed. Coincidentally, Bree is one of the last to start packing as well.

I can at least avoid and possible contact with Alex by keeping my eyes on my things. Don’t raise your gaze, Elena. Don’t.

Suddenly Bree raises from her seat with a loud thud and I can hear her saying “Ey Alex.” Her voice is shaking a bit but it is confident.

I can feel somebody stopping in front of our desk. I know he is looking at me. Alex is looking at me.

“Hey…” He says and his voice cracks in that hot way you can see in movies when the main character tries hard to sound bossy.

I raise my eyes. I have no other option. I am afraid of what happens next, because I am sure Alex is angry with me. And, to be honest, I don’t know what to think of him anymore.

We are looking into each other’s eyes for inappropriately long without saying anything. He licks his lips and still holding his eyes on me continues. “…Bree.”

He takes his expresionless eyes off me and walks away. I look at his backpack which hangs on one of his shoulders only.

I can feel my facial expression fading from the poker face mode into the I-just-lost-a-fortune-in-a-bloody-lottery mode.

Hey Bree.

That’s what he said.

So I’m just air for him. Wait, worse than that. He saw me. He looked at me. And he tried hard to show his anger and scorn to me.