This is Home
ChaoticCosmos
Max sat with his knife stabbed into the mess hall table, determinedly carving away at the wood, as everyone else chatted away over their dinner. Nikki and Neil were sat across from him, paying their friend no mind as they spoke. Max glanced up briefly, looking past Nikki and Neil to see the camp councillors sitting at a table on the other side of the room. David was talking excitedly about something Max couldn’t hear, and Gwen was staring off into space looking bored and tired, and barely poking her food. Max couldn’t blame her. For igoring David or the food. But then David must’ve said something worthwhile because Gwen cracked a smile and turned to face the man. Whatever David was saying died in his throat and his excited expression melted into a fond smile Max didn’t recognise. Gwen shook her head and said something, her own smile never fading, as she stood and placed a hand on David’s cheek. David stared up at her with what could only be described as ‘puppy-dog eyes’ and Gwen seemed to comply when she planted a kiss on his forehead before making to leave the mess hall. As she left, Gwen’s smile turned into something like a smirk, and David only shook his head with a quiet smile as his turned back to his dinner. As he watched the exchange, Max’s expression formed into a hard glare. He looked back to his table and continued his carving with a newfound anger. He hated to admit it but Max often found himself upset by the idea that he might never fall in love. Whenever the thought would appear Max would chastise himself for the stupid and childish worry. Max knew he was too young to worry about such a thing, but he also knew that through all his trauma he’d be lucky to find someone he trusted, and who could trust him. He knew that he lived in an unfair and unjust world and that even if he could find someone like that, the chances were thin that they could love him and who he was; that they could love him despite who he was.
Max looked back at David and saw how the man’s smile had disintegrated now that he had no one to talk to. Max reminded himself what he always did when those thoughts infiltrated his mind, which was that maybe it was for the best. This way he couldn’t be hurt so easily. This way he avoided the stress of falling out of love.
But then Max looked at Neil and Nikki, and he looked down at himself, and he remembered all of his fears. He saw all the bumps and curves in the wrong places, he felt the beetles and bugs writhing under his skin, and he wondered how no one else could see them yet. He heard his voice in his head and wondered how no one else had heard it yet. He stole a glance at Nikki and Neil and wondered if maybe they had noticed, he wondered if they despised him for lying all this time, and above everything, he wondered if they were tired of him yet. Max sighed heavily and went back to his carving.
He hated this place. He hated everything from the tents to the trees, from the councillors to the campers, from the ants to the activities, and, fuck, he hated the food. But at least he wasn’t at home. At least here he could be himself. He could be Max. At least his parents made him fill out his own forms in the back of the car while in a rush to ship him off for the summer, and at least no one cared enough to check the name he’d written on the form. At least David didn’t think to ask why half the information wasn’t filled out, and at least that idiot’s first words to him were an unwavering ‘Welcome to Camp Campbell, Max!’ He hated this place, but at least at this shithole no one questioned that he was M—
‘—ax?’ A voice interrupted his thoughts from the other side of the table. The boy looked up to see Nikki and Neil staring at him with concern. He hadn’t noticed that he had zoned out, nor had he noticed that Neil had been calling his name. His confused expression soon changed to one of boredom. ‘You okay? You keep zoning out.’ Neil said.
