Holding On

chapter 5

I was sitting on my bricked couch peacefully, all calm and collected. Did you hear? I was.

My phone ringed and the name that flashed across the screen broke my bubble of comfort. My ex.

Lynnea's name made my phone vibrate to call missed 3 times before I finally answered. I would've answered sooner, I really would've but I was still deciding if I was ready to hear her voice after all this time. I'm still not sure if I'm like okay or not.

"Hey" I stuttered, hands and voice shaking. This took me back to the time when I met her at the party and I watched her approach me with confidence but I saw the flicker of worry in her eyes. She was so nervous yet she fought it.

"Tyler" she makes a sound between a gasp and a sob and my heart tugs, it literally pulls apart in my chest.

I miss her I really do, but she made her decision and now we both have to live with it. I just wish she hadn't made the mistake she did.

"Yes" my voice gives away the burn in my chest.

"I just uhmm... I just, well i was worried about you and i needed to see if you're okay, you are okay right? Like they aren't giving you trouble or anything" she rushes her words and despite the hatred, I'm convinced I feel for her, I still smile. I smile at how nervous she is. I can picture it now, she's sitting there on her dad's couch. With her feet up and a pillow to her chest, her hair completely messy even though its looped through a hair band, her eyes so full of tired and her fingers picking at a fray or some odd bit to feed her greedy thumbs that's always fiddling. Fuck.

"Yeah I'm good. I settled in pretty well and I'm fitting in okay. You'd be so proud of me, I've made a freind and despite the fact that she's like how I used to be, I'm nice to her. She might be in to women though" i added the last part out of guilt. My voice sounded so gaga over Everly and I didn't want Nea to think I'm with someone even if she's married to Josh now.

"I am proud of you Tyler, so proud of you. I wish you knew that. I bet you're disappointed in me now".

That took me by surprise, what game is she playing at here? "I'm not disappointed in you. I'm not even angry. Maybe I'm hurt, okay I am hurt but that doesn't make me feel any less about you. I know what we meant to each other even if it wasn't realcto you. Those feelings don't just go away".

"Put that phone down and leave that poor boy alone, don't you feel like you've done enough to hurt him" I hear Jane shout in the background. I do miss that woman so much. We've grown so used to each other and I doubt we can let go of each other.

"Mom I'm, Nevermind, bye Tyler "

"Bye" I whisper to myself when the line goes dead.

I'm just stuck now. I have no idea how to feel now. What was all of that about ? Is she okay? Is there something wrong with Jane?

So many scenarios grow in my head and I lose my self under them. The silence in my box of an apartment is deafening and its slowly make me lose my mind. I get up and take out a few eggs from the fridge before I change my whole course of action and decide on toast with nutella on it. I sit in my tiny bed, with my books all over the floor chomping on my nutella covered, slightly burnt toast. The weeknd's pretty is blasting in the back ground and one particular line makes my skin change into a feather-less chicken. You know, goosebumps?

My mind kept on repeating that line over and over again, "you will never feel this pretty".

That line made me think about Nea and I for a second. Maybe, just maybe she was using me for that attention. Too fill a void most people have, but wont admit. That void to feel loved.

She wouldn't do that, would she? I don't know what to believe anymore.

A knock on my door disturbs me. It's a pounding sound with so much force actually.

"I'm coming Everly" I shout. It's obvious it's her with all this banging going on.

"Yes" I say loudly once I open the door swiftly.

Turns out it wasn't her, it was Amara. And now I'm standing there embarrassed and Amara looks shocked.

"I'm sorry about calling your freind what i had, earlier. It's not right and you were right, just because she behaves anyhow doesn't mean I can judge her" Amara surprises me.

"Okay, we all good Amara" i tell her. She gives me a slight nod and turns on her heel to walk away. She's in sweats now. Obviously leaving her apartment on the opposite side of the street to come here and apologize.

I shut the door and instantly think about Nea again. She seems to always be on my mind.

I dail Peyton and hope for the best. I really do miss my bestfriend.

Three times and no answer still. Well I guess that's great. I can't think about anything else and the only freind I have is busy.

I dail the next best, Harry. He answers on the first ring.

"Let me guess, she caved and gave you a call? " Harry speaks into the phone as soon as he answered.

"How did you know?" I ask him.

"She stopped by the house earlier on asking about you. How are you, what you doing and most weirdly if you've been talking to Caitlyn again. So of course lexy swore her and they had a fight and lynnea started crying and before I knew anything mom was in the room and mom's quick solve was for lynnea to give you a call".

What I'm so shocked right now.

"Is she okay Harry?".

"Not going to lie to you fucktart, she's out of it. She looked like crap and that shocked me even because pregnant women are supposed to be glowing all the time, right ?".q

"Right". I think about it and his right they are always happy.

"Okay Harry, thanks, how's that girlfriend of your's ?" I laugh and he utters a "dumb bitch " under his breath.

"I heard that, wanker".

"She's all good man. She's actually always on my side and always there to support me you know. I guess I feel like she's the...."

"Hold on for just a second" I stop him before he can finish that sentence. Last thing he needs is to get hung up over a girl who isn't going to be there for him at all. "Don't get too carried away now, asshole ".

"Dick" he says back to me. "Hold on for lexy, she wants to talk to you".

"Hey baby sis" I say when I hear her.

"Ty, we all miss you so much. These past few days have been so stressful. Mom has got me running around like an excited kid, I'm so overwhelmed with school and not to mention Josh is in New York right now leaving Lynnea dependent on me for the usual running around to doctors and appointments. I hope you're not angry at me ty but she doesn't have anyone. Her mom refuses to speak to her still and as each day passes her mom's state worsens. I just need a huge hug and someone to help me solve these things and too top it off I had a huge fight with lynnea not so long ago" she practically gulps a mouthful of oxygen after her rant.

"I miss you too, I'm not angry at you. If anything I'm glad that you're taking care of her. She can't be all alone in a time like this. Lex you need to remember to take some time for yourself okay. Especially now since you're in an important year, academically. You need to find a suitable balance and you also need to know that you don't need to fill anyone's shoes. I had you by my side to deal with all that stuff. You only have Harry and as much as I love that kid he is beyond useless. So just take a break now and then, okay".

"Yes Tyler, I will. I just miss you I guess. We all do".

She gives the phone to Harry who says "fuck you" and cuts the call after that.

I laugh to myself. His such an ass.

I get up off my couch and go to bed.