Holding On

chapter 10.

The vallet guys took a huge chunk of our time and I was starving by the end. I suggested that we get something to eat and she completely refuses claiming that she warned me about that already, that's why I'm sitting at McDonalds and she's at her apartment.

Her offer was something most guys dream about and I admit it does seem sweet, but my fuck it makes me feel so guilty and I don't know why. Maybe apart of me wants that feeling of emotion behind everything, not just sex but like making love.

AMARA'S P.O.V

He dropped me off at home after I refused to "get lunch with him", in all fairness I did warn him I'm not looking for that. Is what I'm doing even right?

Maybe I shouldn't have listened to my freinds, "a part of the appeal is that you're more experienced in life you can teach him things" they said. I guess I do have more life experience than he does but he is a good guy and if this goes side ways I'm going to be the reason he loses himself.

There's no going back now, I should not have let them influence me like that. The age gap is a huge factor for me and I'm taking a leap here. It's just 4 years my thoughts remind me. Thinking that he is the age when I fell pregnant scares me so much, but after that night all i could do was picture him. No one has been that nice to me without expecting something in return.

I step into my room, just there he left me there and then left, not taking advantage of the fact I was willing to fuck with him on the spot. So many guys have done ridiculous things to me, from cat calling to actually physically spanking my ass in public and playing it off like they bumped into me. That's why I took self defence classes. I will dislocate any man's hand if they try it again.

I refuse to feel like I have to be entitled to any other persons opinion besides my own. I will not let any outside influence take me under and drown me out aside from the mother in me missing Calum.

The fimilar pain in my chest tightens around my whole body. His small hands on mine when he just learnt how to say "tata" by tapping his tongue on the roof of his mouth. The way his small eyes would look for me when he opened them. The soft blue of his eyes always haunt me in my dreams. My baby was a beautiful baby. All I have left is my memories with him.

I fall to my knees when the tears prick my eyes. My body contracts and I can't seem to move, I cry until I can't anymore. In between sobs i occasionally hit against the wall trying to get some sort of grip over myself, however I can not seem to pull myself through the abyss that is my emotionaless heart. When Calum died I felt so empty inside, I lost everything that was mine to love. No love on this planet is more powerful than a love for a mother and her baby.

His soft sounds ring through my head everyday. I can't go on like this. I pick myself up of the floor and go to my room. Keep reminding myself that I just have to put one foot in front of the other. I can do this, I have to.

I wipe my face and pull the blankets open. I just need to lay down for a while. I need rest. Both mentally and emotionally, my mind has been running everywhere everyday.

I close my eyes for now. The sleep just begins to take me when the images of my baby pop up. I need to distract myself.

I'm always strong, strong like a stone but a stone can be broken into sand after all. My facade falls when i step into this lonely apartment. The minute my thoughts are free they wrap themselves around what could've been if I just did the grocery trip that day, Calum would've grown up, he would've grown up, he would've graduated and then he would've found love and he would've had is own family.

If it was just me in that car and not my mom going with him, he would still be here today. I know that means I would've died but I'd gladly switch places with him. Why, why was I so stupid that I let my mistakes fall on him.