Batty Family - Batfam Oneshots

The Catastrophic Cuisine (Batboys)

A little A/N before we begin:
Hello everyone! I just wanted to say thank you SO MUCH for 1K!! I know this story is pretty small, so for the people who are consistently reading this, I just wanted to say that I appreciate and love you a whole lot, and your support does not go unnoticed. Thank you!
Now to continue, this one shot is based off of the crazy dish Robert Pattinson (the guy playing Batman in the 2021 movie) made the other day. This will definitely be a fun one as opposed to the other very emotional ones; also Bruce is big dummy confirmed. Anyway, let's begin!
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"Hey, Bruce, I finished...the..."

Tim trailed off from where he was walking down the manor's staircase. Upon seeing Bruce in the kitchen cooking, he stopped dead in his tracks.

"What on earth are you doing?"

Bruce raised an eyebrow at him, "I'm making dinner."

"Where's Alfred?"

"Pennyworth is sick today, so father has to fill in for him," Damian answered from his seat on the counter next to his father.

Tim stepped into the kitchen cautiously, as if he was going to get hurt by stepping to close, "Why are you letting him mix all this random crap together?"

"I can hear you, y'know."

Damian lifted a whole box of sugar—yes, plain sugar—and gave a devilish smirk, "I want to see you all suffer after eating—well—whatever that is."

"How sweet," his brother responded in a mocking tone.

Bruce only rolled his eyes and continued cooking for his family as Tim went on, "Well, I for one am not eating that. Seriously, Bruce, hasn't Alfred been sick any other time than now? What did you do then?"

"I ordered pizza," he responded sheepishly.

"Wh—then why didn't we do that?" the teen raised his voice in exasperation.

"I don't know! I was trying to be a good dad!"

"Oh my god," he face palmed, "I'm calling Dick—"

"Surprise, assholes!" a voice yelled from the entry way of the manor. All three males jumped at the startle.

"Grayson?" Damian asked, confusion lacing his voice.

"What? No—it's me, Jason," the young man walked in and leaned against the wall.

"That would make a lot more sense..." Tim said as a passing thought.

"Anyway, B, I got some more info on the—what the hell are you doing?"

Bruce sighed, "Is it that hard to see that I'm making dinner?"

"It smells like death," Jason grimaced, "You know those ingredients don't mix with each other at all, right?"

The man shot his son a glare, and he put his hands up in surrender.

"Ok, I'm gonna call Dick now," Tim pulled out his phone and pressed the button.

"No, you're ruining all the fun," Damian complained, grabbing at Tim's phone.

"Eating dinner that looks like it was made in a dumpster does not sound like 'fun' to me!"

"You're opinion was never valid, Drake!"

"You're the worst!"

The two boys fought as Jason snickered and commented, "Kids."

"You still act like that," Bruce replied without moving a muscle.

The young man crossed his arms and gave a slight pout while Dick finally picked up his phone.

"Hey, Tim—"

He was cut off by incessant bickering on the other line.

"Okay, what's going on?" the eldest of all the brothers asked tiredly.

Jason snagged the phone from Tim's hand, "Bruce tried to make the two brats dinner and ended up making poison."

Dick gave a long, dramatic sigh before saying quickly, "I'll be over in an hour with pizza."

He hung up right after, and Jason grinned at Damian's scowl.
***
An hour later, Dick showed up at their door holding a box of pizza.

"Hey, Dick, thanks for coming. You sure saved our night."

"'Course, Baby Bird. I'm curious to know what Bruce made—it smells...absolutely horrible."

Tim laughed, "Yeah, it is."

The two walked in and Dick placed the box of pizza in the middle of their table before giving Bruce a quick hug in greeting.

"I hear you made a disgusting dinner?" he teased.

Bruce smirked, "It would seem that way. I'll pay you back for the pizza."

"No, don't worry about it! Just between us, an excuse to spend a night with the boys is worth more than anything."

"You got it for five bucks, didn't you?"

Dick shrunk back into his shoulders, "Maybe?"

Bruce chuckled softly, and the two finally sat at the table to eat. The other three males were already digging in.

"So, B," Jason's words were muffled by his stuffed mouth, "What do you plan to do with the concoction?"

"Well, I'll probably just throw..."

His father's voice faded out of his mind as Damian stared down at the 'delicacy' to the side of his pizza. He raised an eyebrow at it, deep in thought—sure, his plan was childish...but would it upset Drake? Hell yeah.

Tim was in the middle of commenting a snarky remark when he felt the splatter of cold meal on his face. He opened his eyes wide and turned towards Damian, who was sitting directly in front of him.

"You."

Damian shrugged, "Whoops, my hand slipped."

In his anger, Tim stood up and launched his entire bowl at Damian.

"Hell yeah!" Jason interfered, "Food fight!"

The rest of the night consisted of the aforementioned food fight. At first, the two youngest brothers were focused on attacking one another, but after a while, their fighting became light hearted and they splattered the other boys as well. Eventually, the four of them split into team, with Dick and Damian on one side and Jason and Tim on the other. Bruce even joined in at one point, although it was only for a short while. And though they had turned their kitchen into a complete mess, Dick could've sworn he heard Damian laugh at least twice, so he concluded that the mess was worth it. Even if next morning he woke up to an enraged call from Alfred.

Sheepishly, he responded, "I'll come clean it up."