Lust // John B // Outer banks

Chapter 23

**Self harm TW in this chapter**

John B's POV

I wake up this morning still pissed off. Yesterday I decided that everything I had been feeling, I went to boardwalk to go get some fucking fresh air away from my house, only to see her out with Cameron and who I assume to be his brother. Maybe, maybe not.

That's not even the big deal, she had on Toppers soccer sweatshirt that he passes around to every girl he dates. She didn't necessarily look bad in it, but I just don't like the whole idea. I understand that she might be pissed off at me, but that's just messed up. She doesn't even know him. Not that she knows me super well but still. TOPPER out of all people. Why?? What good could she possibly get out of that, rather than turning into a stuck up kook and getting treated like crap.

I roll over in my bed, trying to forget I even saw her last night. I ended contact with her because that was what I wanted, and I've got to keep telling myself that. It's for the better, before something toxic forms. The last two girls I tried to be something with just created something toxic with me, and I don't care to let it happen again. Different person, same shit.

I keep going back to look at the picture of her and Topper together, for some reason. It only upsets me more and more each time I go back and look, but it just doesn't seem right. That should be me, but it's cool. No worries, I'll front my way through this bullshit.

Laila's POV, a week later

Me and John B haven't spoken in a week, and Cameron and Zach left yesterday. Me and Topper have been spending a little bit more time together, and he kissed me the other night. Just a gentle kiss, but the spark that I long for wasn't there.

I'm not sure if I actually like Topper or if I'm just depressed and looking to fill the void, but he definitely doesn't have legitimate feelings for me. It's just a fling, I guess. Nothing but another girl to show off on his side, but I'm alright with that at the moment. It's better than being completely alone, and it makes me feel wanted, despite knowing the truth.

I haven't seen John B in public anywhere since he saw me in the sweatshirt, and I've seen him once while leaving the Cameron's after work, but he didn't see me, and I wasn't about to interact. I posted a picture on instagram of me and Payton and he liked it, but that was it. Neither of us have reached out to eachother, no calls, no texts.

It's been kind of sad, the way he can just act like it never happened. It's not like we've known eachother for years, but he initiated everything and now just wants to sweep it all under the rug like I was just a mistake that never happened. I have a habit of always losing the people close to me.

First mom, then a bunch of friends, then dad. Now John B, who's next? It's summer break now, and Ron and Katie explained to us the rules for summer. No curfew, as long as we text the family groupchat where we are, and if we come home past 12 we have to be quiet because Dawson is sleeping.

I haven't really interacted with Dawson much, but it's not a big deal to me, or him. He's in his own little world, the only time I really even see him is during meals. He's a quiet kid, and keeps to himself with his headphones and tablet. It's nice, he's unproblematic.

I lay back on my bed, staring at the ceiling. It's around 6pm and I just finished dinner, and now I've got the rest of the night to just sit here and be sad. Lately, especially today, my thoughts have been getting to me. I've started to feel like the whole situation was my fault, and I feel absolutely terrible for trying to get back at him with Topper.

Maybe this is why everybody leaves me. Because I don't know how to handle other people's emotions and feelings, and I try to see myself as the victim every time when really, I mess everything up. I begin to cry as my thoughts flutter around my head for the next half hour.

Eventually, I can't take it anymore. Everything is cluttered and jumbled inside my head, and I've thought about pretty much everything I've done wrong and how horrible of a person I am, and I get up and go to the bathroom, sinking to the floor with my head in my hands.

The thought of relapsing crosses my mind a few times, even though it just feels silly. I haven't turned to cutting myself as a coping mechanism since I was 13, and that phase only lasted a few months before I had to stop because I got too worried somebody would find out and tell my Dad, which would only lead to him beating the hell out of me.

With the thought of that I begin to have flashbacks of situations with my dad, only leading to a bigger breakdown. At this point I'm convinced everybody in the house can probably hear my sobs, so in a hazy state I grab a towel and cry into it until there aren't any tears left.

I pick up a pack of razors intended for shaving, and pick them apart until I have a singular blade. I deeply inhale as I decide what I'm going to do. I deserve to feel some sort of pain after all the pain I've caused everybody else by messing things for them.

I pull up my shirt and slide the cool metal across my lower stomach a few times, sharply inhaling each time as the blood trickles down a little bit, and I move on to my upper thighs and wrist, immediately regretting it afterwards and feeling stupid when I come down from the high feeling of my mental breakdown.

What the fuck did I just do?? Why would I do that? I curse myself mentally as I grab toilet paper and start dabbing everywhere, throwing the blade away and feeling beyond stupid for stooping low enough to do that to myself.

A knock on my door that I can hear from my bathroom rings throughout my head, causing me to panic.

A/N 25 votes again for the next chapter. I'm gonna bulk write a few more because i'm going out of state tomorrow