When It Fell Apart - "Paglisan" #F&ACompetition

Chapter 34: Hatred And A Total Mess

Chapter 34: Hatred And A Total Mess

From that moment that we broke up, I have realized a lot of things.

First, "everything happens for a reason". Your pain has a purpose and to be honest, it's so hard to encourage yourself daily that you are worthy and that pain will vanish soon.

Nothing lasts forever but sadness can make you feel like it will stay there, with you, forever.

If everything happens for a reason, I guess He wants me back to His arms and He wants me to keep on my track.

Remember when I told him that I'm not considering UP as one of my top choices anymore, because I fear of losing him?

"Lord? Nakalimutan ko ba talaga kung anong mas dapat kong iprioritize? If this pain will bring me to UP or any prestige university, I will be very grateful."

Nakakabulag ang pag-ibig. Mukhang nakalimutan ko nga ang sarili ko.

And maybe he's right that I'll keep on choosing him than choosing myself.

Second, "sometimes there is art in letting go". You have to let go of someone, it's a difficult thing to do. ALSO, you have to let go of yourself from what's keeping you from moving on. And I swear to God, it's not that easy.

It's easier said than done.

Whenever I browse his Instagram account, my heart always feels nervous. However, everytime I check it, my pictures are still there. Well I guess, he just wants to keep it there, it makes me happy.

But I'm afraid that ONE DAY I'll wake up, and our pictures are gone. It's not impossible, especially now that I don't know how his mind works.

To be honest, he has changed. He's not the same Basti that I've loved before.

I can't explain how he changed but I'm sure that he is.

Natatakot na nga akong makita siya eh. Parang ang harmful na niya for me. He's no longer good for my heart.

Third, "forgiving someone is easier than forgiving yourself".

Napatawad ko na siya pero hindi ko pa rin napapatawad ang sarili ko, paano ako makakausad nito?

Never have I ever thought that it will be this hard.

One thing's for sure. I'm not the same Venice that I was three months ago.

My perspectives have changed, I'm now determined to achieve my spot on UPD, my faith strengthen and I'm slowly growing.

Hoping that these tears will really make me grow in becoming a braver and bolder lady.

Weird. Ang dami kong ginawa at ginagawa para lang unti-unti siyang makalimutan. At first, it was effective but when it prolongs, it slips in my hands again.

It was 12:59 am already, and my mind is still fully awake.

Hindi ko na alam kung paano matulog. HONESTLY, di ko na alam.

I don't know how to shut my draining thoughts.

This night makes me feel like everything is uncontrollable and unbearable.

I sat by the window and looked up into the night sky where the stars aren't sparkling. It's just a total combination of violet and black sky.

The stars are like me. Covered with darkness and can't shine.

By far, I'm slowly getting alike with the moon which wanes its glow.

I got my ukulele. Tuned it and thought of a song in which I could totally relate to.