Wildcard ( One Piece Fanfiction x Reader)

Chapter 18

St. Poplar. Nice place. Great coffee. And some unexpected things.

You had arrived here two days ago, looking for one of your operators. Your own snail was still recovering from Loguetown, and you didn't have the heart to buy a new one. You nipped from your coffee, as you watched the passers-by. The wind was a little chilly, and you warmed your hands gratefully at your hot mug. As you sat there people gathered around some odd looking people, giving a performance. You didn't see very well, as more and more people stood between you and the performers. So you payed for your coffee, and squeezed yourself between two tall men. Your mouth fell wide open.

CP9 performed. Jabra jumped through a ring of fire, Kaku (you assumed the square giraffe was Kaku) was a slide for little kids, and Kumadori did what he always did. But finally at the right place and time.

Kumadori, Spandam, Jabra and you had gathered in Spandam's office for another meeting or as you called it 'giving Spandam the jitters'. It kept you from having one meltdown after another. Someone had to take the blame after blowing up the wrong building, one of the World Government. (You did it. Intentionally.) Spandam scolded you for merely half an hour, The Read-Head-Saliva-Everywhere-kind of scolding. Kumadori decided to commit Sepuku. And as he sat there, you kneeled next to him and yelled with tears in your eyes: "Oh Spandam! I will take responsibility by killing myself!". You quickly pulled out a red lollipop, and put it at your heart. Kumadori looked confused at you, and whispered: "What are you doing?" You grabbed your heart and you screamed overdramatically, while falling on your back: "Oh no! I pierced my own heart! I feel the life flowing away! The dark is getting me!" Spandam looked just in confusion at you. You fell on the ground and whispered: "I am dead." The lollipop was a little sticky. Kumadori yelled in agony: "Ah! My partner has left me! I couldn't stop her! I deserve dead!" He tried Sepuku and failed again, by using Iron Body. You suppressed a smile. You heard Jabra whisper: "Am I surrounded by idiots?" Spandam yelled: "Get the housekeeper! Get rid of the body of that nuisance!". Apparently he believed you were dead. "The housekeeper has a holiday. She will come back in two days." Jabra answered calmly. "Get that idiot out of my eyes!" He yelled at Jabra, pointing at Kumadori. "Where is Funkfreed?" He asked, looking around for his sword. He left the office in a rush. Jabra went after him, dragging Kumadori with him. "What are you doing, (Y/N)?" He hissed. "The dead can't talk." You whispered back.

While Spandam was gone, you searched his office, finding interesting information and some weird stuff. But more importantly: His secret chocolate supply. You really ate a lot of chocolate that night, and Funkfreed' fruit. After that, you laid back down in your original position, playing dead.

The next morning, the other CP9 members came in, most of them ignored you. Kumadori cried a little, and Fukurou asked loudly what happened. Spandam came in, and stumbled over your body. You tried not to grunt in pain. "CP9, as you can see, the late (Y/N) left us this night, by committing suicide." He said, not even trying to play sad. "She will be...missed." He said. "But now more importantly,..." You started your revenge. You scribbled something on your death notes. Read this out loud. Act like you are possessed. You held the note up, hoping the person who would see it, would play with you. You wrote another note and held it up. "Funkfreed is in hell." A familiar voice said. You were relieved, it was your buddy Kaku, this would work out greatly. "Excuse me?" Spandam said. "Hell was better than Spandam's office." "Kaku, what are you saying?" He asked angrily. You heard Kaku, grasping, with his hand around his neck. "I...I...can't...control.." He said. You quickly wrote another note, as the rest watched Kaku's 'struggle'. "He has way to many pink, fuzzy rubber ducks." He said, acting normal. After these words he started to struggle again. "He is possessed!" Jabra screamed. Spandam turned white, as his big secret was revealed. You quickly wrote another note. "Can someone put my body in a coffin?" Kaku asked. "Wh-Who are you?" A trembling Spandam asked. You hold up another note with Yell written big over the card. "Who do you think I am?!?" Kaku was really great. Spandam jumps back from the sudden shout, hiding behind an unimpressed Lucci. "It is boring here. I am coming back...NOW." As Kaku said that, he seemingly collapsed and you jumped up, screaming like a monster and scaring the hell out of everyone. Everyone jumped into Kalifa's and Lucci's arms, who were unimpressed. You changed into a fighting position, looking dangerous. Then you 'noticed' the flames coming from your finger tops. You balled your hand, and the fire went out. "Wow! What happened?" You asked. "Y-You were dead!" Kumadori said. "No, I was just in hell. Wait...that happens when you are dead, right?" They just watched you in horror. Lucci dropped Kumadori and Jabra, who clamped at him. "Spandam! Look who I met there!" You said, while taking Funkfreed from behind your back. "Funkfreed!" He yelled, while hugging his beloved sword. "What happened to Kaku?" You asked. "You possessed him." Kalifa said. "I already thought that it was weird that I spoke with such a deep voice." You said. Then you noticed the lollipop sticking on your shirt. You pulled it off and put in your mouth, to the horror of Kumadori. "Bah, it tastes like blood." You said. (It was just strawberry, but you had to finish your act). You looked around, trying to look innocent. "What did I miss?" You asked, while helping a 'tired' Kaku on his feet. "I will tell you." He said in a 'weak' voice. As you walked out of the room, you let the crushed matches discretely fall on the ground. But someone had noticed. You provoked him with a raised eyebrow to say something, but he didn't do it at all.

You went with Kaku to his room, where soon enough loud laughing could be heard. Yeah, you two had your fun. And no one talked anymore about the wrong building you bombed. What a great diversion. You totally should pull one more like that.

Somehow you were proud of them, they had swallowed their pride, and seemingly enjoyed themselves. You took your wallet, and looked at how much was in it. 12 000 berry. You took out 5000 and put it in their hat. They wouldn't recognize you. You looked completely different in your new attire. You had put your hair under one of the stolen paw bonnets, one of Kuma's, and wore your long coat. Your bandana was now a bracelet.They had never seen you this way. Many people thought you were a man, as you dressed this way. It also helped that a sports bra made your chest really flat.

You turned around, happy that they had at least learned something. They deserved your support.

You bumped into Kalifa as you entered an alley. You covered your face, murmured an excuse in a deep voice, and wanted to pass by. She let you pass by, and it took her a couple of seconds to realize who you were. She turned around, calling out your name. Only to discover you had already disappeared. You watched her from the shadows, until she left the alley, probably looking for her colleagues.

It would only cause trouble if you were seen together. It was better to avoid them, for now. It would only make their case more difficult by the World Government. And you did not want to be involved with the World Government. They played dirty. Very dirty.

Author: How often do you pull 'I came back to life'-prank?

Whipslash: It became second nature for me.

Kaku: She played dead at least 20 times in CP9.

Author: And did it work?

Whipslash: Always. Do you know how much trouble I missed by playing dead?

*Author taking notes, thinking about pulling these pranks on others*

Author:...Interesting.

Whipslash*Enthousiastic*: Time for some mischief?

Author: Time for some mischief.

*Author and Whipslash play dead on the ground, next to them a piece of cake. Their faces are green*

*Shanks comes in, unimpressed*

Shanks *takes some booze from the fridge*: Oi, Mihawk! I think the cake is not good anymore!

Mihawk: What do you mean?

Shanks: Mihawk, come look! Author-san and Whipslash look really dead!

Mihawk: Huh?

*Shanks hits Author with heel in the stomach. Author tries to not whimper*

Shanks: Let's use the free time! Tell everyone there is a PARTY IN DA HOUSE!

*Shanks looks at you two*

Shanks: Can we put the bodies in your coffin, Mihawk?

Mihawk: I do not own a coffin.

Shanks: Really? You are the type to...Nevermind. I heard Whipslash hides her snacks in the attic. I am going to look for them!

*Whipslash is angry about the snacks and jumps screaming up*

Whipslash: IF YOU TAKE MY SNACKS, I WILL... be haunting you for the next decades?

*Shanks screams like a girl!

Shanks: Thriller Bark-Alarm! Whipslash became a zombie!

*Shanks runs away and hides behind Mihawk*

Moria: What's happening here? I didn't change people into zombies since...Holy Sh*t!

*Whipslash hunts Shanks like a lunatic, and author looks scary green*

Moria *with tears in his eyes*: WOW. Those are the best zombies I have ever seen.

*Author suddenly starts throwing up, ruining the nightmare*

Author: I think the cake has really gone bad, Whipslash.

EDIT: HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME?... CAN YOU HEAR ME?... WHY IS THING NOT WORKING?... OH, SO YOU CAN HEAR ME? GREAT, I HAVE A QUESTION! WE ARE DOING A RESEARCH- WHAT? NO! I AM NOT A ROBOT! I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE TIME TO INTERVIEW THE CAST!... HELLO?... SHE HUNG UP.