Dreamcatcher Imagines - Oneshots | (Girl x Girl)

🐰 Worth The Risk? - Part 2

The rest of the day seemed to drag on with mindless interviews. I felt myself falling into an unconscious cycle of rinse and repeat. My mind was so preoccupied with all of my greatest worries that I didn't even remember a single thing I said in any of those interviews. It wasn't a very healthy or productive habit, but I couldn't help it. When you have a secret that could ruin so many people's lives, most of the time it was the only thing on your mind.

Eventually the day had turned to night and we were back in our dorms. I roomed with Handong, but since she has been on hiatus, I had the room to myself. It was times like these when I was thankful for that. Of course I missed Handong, but this way I could have time to myself to think without being interrupted.

Taking advantage of the moment, I stepped out onto the balcony attached to my room and took a seat on the outdoor couch. The sun had gone down and it was actually pretty chilly outside. Normally I would've brought a blanket out, but in this moment I was too deep in my thoughts to care.

The sky was clear and, although I was in the city, I could make out a few stars. It made me think back to something one of my band mates said: "If you ever feel lonely, just look up at the stars and remember that we're all looking at the same sky." It would make you think that someone out there could be going through the exact same situation you were right now.

But, to me, that seemed impossible to believe. Everyone else around me seemed so put together and perfect. All the other idols were exactly the way they were supposed to be. They all fit the mold perfectly. Yet here I was, the complete opposite of what an idol was supposed to be. I have more progressive beliefs and I acted more masculine than I should as a 'lady'. Oh but here's the kicker... I liked girls.

Honestly knowing how the public would react to that almost made me want to come out myself. But, even more than that, I wanted to come out just to get these persistent worries off my shoulders. Oh, did I dress too masculine today? Shoot, am I looking at one of my members for too long? Was that blush too suspicious?

I wish I was joking when I say those things. I wish I didn't have to keep a secret. I wish so badly that I could just tell everyone, even just to get it off my chest. Secrets are so painful and exhausting. I felt like I was living a lie. I felt like I couldn't even be my true self. And I have spent so much of my life trying to hide a part of myself, that I haven't been able to truly live. I wanted to experience how it would feel living with no more burdens. I wanted to be unapologetically myself.

But I couldn't.

And it made me so mad. Mad at the world, at the way things are. At the way things have to be. Screw the world for telling me what is right and wrong. For telling me that who I am and what I love is wrong. And screw the people in it for going along with that. For believing it for truth because everyone is too afraid of change.

Then I realize how hypocritical that sounds. How can I be mad at the world for not accepting change when I can't even do it myself. I can't even admit who I am. I can't even be honest in order to bring that change myself. It no longer involves Jiu or my members. They can't be my excuse anymore. If I really wanted to do all the things I said I wanted to, then I would've done it already. There was only one way to make that possible without taking everyone else down with me...

Just then my thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the sliding glass door opening. "I should've known you would be out here." My head turned and I spotted the blonde member who was the cause of my quarter-life crisis. Our eyes met and she immediately frowned, sensing something was off. "It's freezing out here," she looked over the balcony before rubbing her shoulders and focusing back on me, "you should come back inside."

I wanted to refuse but she gave me a look that told me I shouldn't. So, being the whipped person I was, I followed her back into my room and sat on the edge of my bed. At this point, my mind was still swarming with thoughts, so I found it hard to concentrate on anything. I didn't even realize Jiu had walked over and grabbed a blanket until she stood in front of me and draped it over my shoulders.