Last Place You Look

Chapter 38

I slipped her letter in my journal when we woke up in the morning. We, or well, I woke up late again. Harry woke up earlier than me to start packing up our things. There was a note next to me telling me he was downstairs with my grandpa and to come down when I was ready. I brushed my teeth in the bathroom across the hall and slipped a hoodie over my head, not bothering to put on real clothes. We had a long drive ahead of us, might as well be comfortable.

Harry and my grandpa were drinking coffee and watching football when I came down. Neither of them heard me, so I waited and watched for a few minutes. They reacted the exact same to whatever was happening on the screen. They were like carbon copies when it came to each other. If I didn't already know they weren't related, I'd probably think they were. They had similar mannerisms.

Harry eventually saw me though, and we spent a little more time with my grandpa before we left. We'd been the last ones to go, everyone having left early in the morning. It was almost noon by the time we left though.

Harry stayed quiet in the car though, at least for the most part. I think he knew that I needed more time to process my grandma's letter. I'd read it again before I'd gone downstairs, causing me to cry again. I tried splashing cold water on my face and it worked for the most part. Harry didn't seem to notice. He didn't say anything if he did.

He didn't let me drive either, knowing I was better off curled up in the passenger seat rather than driving a potential death machine when I, myself, was a potentially a ticking time bomb.

The next few weeks passed and I couldn't get my grandma's words out of my head.

Remember to smile.

I thought about what Harry had said the day he'd order from two different food places and they'd arrived at the same time. He said that was the first time he saw me smile since before my mom called to tell me about my grandma. And I told him he was wrong, that I had smiled in those months. But I was the one that was wrong. I hadn't smiled. I hadn't felt. I was still ignoring it, and I think she probably knew that that's what I was going to do. She knew me better than anyone without even trying.

I kept her letter on me 24/7. It was a reminder that my life doesn't stop because hers did. I told Harry that the day of her funeral, before I stormed out, but I didn't really live that concept. I let her death run my life. I lost my job and went three weeks without one because I couldn't get my head on straight. I'd put my relationship at risk because I couldn't get over myself long enough to see that he was just trying to be there for me.

It was time to deal with it. Like really time.

I told Harry I was going to visit my parents for the weekend. I lied. I'd made a motel reservation a few days before in the town where she was buried. He offered to come with me, but I told him I just needed a couple days to myself. He accepted that lie as the truth so easily, and I felt bad for lying, but this was something I had to do by myself.

Friday came and I left earlier in the morning. Harry was half asleep when I left, but managed to wake up enough to demand a goodbye kiss.

Driving long distances alone was different now. I'd spent almost a year and a half driving them with Harry. This was the first one I'd done alone since Christmas last year. I didn't mind it though. I set up my playlist and watched the light amount snow fall as I drove. The snow didn't last long though, and it certainly didn't stick.

It was almost Christmas again. Harry was staying here this year. He'd been having trouble finding flights for less than two grand, but now it was the holidays and flight prices were skyrocketing. He'd waited too long to look.

When I got to the shady motel I found on the internet, I dropped my bag by the door immediately. I raided the shitty mini bar and ordered a pizza. I turned off my phone immediately after. I told Harry I was going to keep my phone off for the majority of the time I was gone this weekend, but I'd call him at night to hear about his day.