Daylight

6. Holy Ground

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The entire night before was a blur. I didn't see Ben any time after he left me in Suran's room, and when I did go to dinner a few hours later, he was surrounded by people who were happy around him as I saw him smile wide for the first time in god knew how long. I definitely didn't get the sleep I wanted since I slept with Ben the night before, and it was the best night's sleep I've had in years. Currently, it was the next day and tonight was the bonfire that everyone was slowly getting excited for, me, on the other hand, not so much. I didn't have anything today, from training lessons to sparring duels. My entire day was free to barricade myself in the music room and not leave until I choose to go enjoy dancing around a large fire. I sat in front of what looked like a weird piano of some sort, but I didn't care very much because it sounded fine to me as I played a few notes to help calm my thoughts.

My fingers brushed over the white keys, not knowing if they were clean or not as I hummed a few words that repeated in my mind for the past few days as I quickly wrote them down before losing them. Just be the song's structure and the words, I could tell it was about Ben Solo as I practically cursed my own mind for doing this. Who knew this would happen so fast? I had known Ben personally for almost two weeks, though it seemed like he's known me since I got here three years ago. Since my time alone and away from Ben, I did what I could in the only library we had here to brush up on force bonds and other things as I tried to broaden my knowledge more to use it later on. I couldn't find much about the Dyad part of the bond other than being non-existent in the temple.

Thinking back to yesterday, I thought about why Ben and I even had a bond. When did it really start to form? Surely it couldn't be because of my parents dying. That would be so messed up. Did it happen around the time I attended this place? No, I would've known something like that. Maybe I wasn't paying attention hard enough to see it? I know I'm a little too smart for my age, and obviously, it goes unnoticed half the time, but- no, I'm not stupid. I may be pretty, but I'm not stupid. Flexing my fingers as I moved towards a different area of the song I was working on, I felt my hair slip from my ponytail as it cascaded around my shoulders as I reached up to feel for the elastic in my hair, broken in two. 

Well, that's perfect. Humming the melody as I played it again for the third time, I repeated it; once again, my mind wandered back to Ben. What did he want me to choose? If he heard everything going on in my head yesterday, did he know I wanted to be around him as more than a friend? Did he want that, or was I fooling myself? I thought about our short time together as it did bring a smile to my face. I could see he liked being around me, and I was the same. The spark of whatever it was lit my body on fire every time we were around the other, like a ball of light illuminating my path through the darkness as it kept me warm. I liked the way when he would touch my skin as I pictured it now.

I did feel some deep affection towards Ben; otherwise, why would I be writing a song about him. I didn't think I was ever going to be attractive enough for someone to have feelings for me again, and it was the same for me. I didn't think it was strong enough to be love since Jedi aren't supposed to feel something like that, but there was always room for change now that the old era was gone. I know there were a thousand reasons to lead this in several directions, both good and bad, and not wanting to see Luke find out. I wanted to be with Ben all the time, even right now. Seeing that my side of choosing was clear, I found the confidence I once had lost thanks to Bex as I heard people running down the hallways, chatting and cheering that the fire was lit and food was being prepared.

 I may have decided to want to be around Ben, but the decision to come to the bonfire was still causing me to doubt everything. I didn't have any friends, and obviously, many people hated me, so I had no one to talk to, minus our Masters, which would look weird. So, before I left, I decided to bring not only a jacket but also brought my songbook and a pen just in case I had a few ideas pop up as I neared the large fire to see so many students conversing and dancing around as weird but loud music played just beyond the tables of food.