Daylight

39. Where Will You Go?

An entire day, gone with the wind that carried the Resistance small victory over the First Order. Looking out the window of the Falcon, I knew it wasn't much of a victory to me. I had woken up from my unconscious state a few hours ago from Ren's hard thrusts to knock me out on Starkiller Base the night before. His words rang through my head on repeat, like lyrical lines that never left. Crowds of people and aliens walked around without a care in the world that their lives would change soon enough. No one knew how long it would be until the First Order would gain the upper hand and come for this planet, named D'Qar. That was something I didn't want to stay and see as I was granted permission to leave earlier than what Leia wanted initially. For the years she's known me, she should remember Jedi like me can never stay in one place for too long. Kylo Ren found that out the hard way. 

And I was so sure this would be the first place he'd find me. The way he spoke his words made it seem like a permanent promise. He now could find me. He may not have known the many places I had hiding spots in, but he could get as creative as I do. And he did this on purpose. He wanted me to hear these words, have the never-ending feeling of always being followed by the dark shadows, and not just in my mind. He wanted me to doubt myself that no place was safe. He did it all to have me again, be lured into his darkened and cold world that lies within the Dark Side itself. Persistent bastard of a Dyad bonded lover. Laughter could be heard from the opposite of the room as I turned to see Leia standing there, the door shutting tightly behind her as the waves of my emotions were caught by hers.

"That's my son for you, but surely, you knew that before." She spoke with a clear conscious as I could feel her words seep into my mind as lotion seeps into the skin. Slow, methodical, and cold. Walking up to stand by my side at the window, friends of all ages and races laughed and taunted the others as Poe's smiling face made my heart begin to heat up. The thought of Ben made Leia's own heart flutter, but as she felt it. The small attraction to Poe, but she knew me better than anyone on this planet.

"You'll put him in danger-"

"There's nothing wrong with gaining a friend, Leia. Besides, you know who has my heart in his hands." I spoke with a low tone but was calm all the while.

"That I do, and I'm well aware of what happened on Starkiller between the two of you."

"Would you have done it? Surrendered if he made it that easy to keep you safe? If he truly loved you?" I asked, slightly curious about what his own mother would have done, but her face's expression made it clear what her answer was.

"You know I wouldn't. But I'm curious as to why you rejected him, Amara. I know you can't stay away for too long." I dropped my gaze away from the windowpane as my gaze was averted to the small, barely alive green plant sitting in a small rounded vase on the sill. Taking a deep breath in and letting it out, my answer was more than clear.

"Every time I was near him, I felt something within the force. A power that didn't come from him or me. It was something that always helped me when I lost control, another pull in the force retracting me back to being neutral."

"Was it Rey, perhaps?" I shook my head at her question, knowing it wasn't her.

"I thought with each time it happened, it was your brother, but even now, I don't know who it is. But they've been there, every time. Also, there's already so much on the Dark Side with Ren that I don't see it being a good idea for us to both be on the same side. I'm already powerful enough as a Gray Jedi, but-"

"You're scared. Amara, it's a natural thing for humans to feel, including the Jedi." A silence passed between us as the truth began to settle between the lines and the cracks in the ship's walls.

"I'm scared I'll lose myself. I don't want to become as my father did. It'll kill me." From the very words that left my mouth, Leia knew my true feelings. I didn't want to become like my father long before he met my mom. I didn't want the past to repeat itself, let alone that kind of power be on the Dark Side, standing next to Kylo Ren. Leia agreed as she placed a hand on my shoulder and rubbed circles on the exposed skin, touch only a mother could give to ease the pain and worry of a child she never had.