Dreaming Alone | taekook ✔️

s i x t y - s i x

Guilt weighs differently for every one of us.

Jeongguk was in his bedroom as well, but he had no brother to bring him comfort. Instead, he had walls that taunted and closed in on him. He had an empty stomach and a dreary ache in his chest.

As soon as Taehyung walked away, his tears dried and his negative emotions internalized themselves. It was like he couldn't cry.

The sky had fallen dark, but the ravenette wouldn't have known since he shut the windows and closed the curtains to avoid whoever's on the other side.

He skipped lunch and was about to skip dinner because meals were never appealing during these times. And Jeongguk knew that wasn't healthy, but it felt like a punishment he deserved.

His father failed to hide his shock when he realized his son was home for the night and Jeongguk thought he might start some meaningless conversation but Junseo didn't utter a word.

Minutes stretched into hours. It seems as though Jeongguk hadn't grasped the weight of their situation yet because he felt weirdly airy, in a state of ignorance and bliss. He floated around his room like an aimless soul and he distracted his mind with thoughts to hush the growling of his stomach.

It had always been like this.

To torture yourself with replays of the past until your mind shuts down and fills the space with nothing.

That was until Madeline showed up.

Jeongguk thought he was hearing things when her voice rang through the cabin and traded words with his father.

"Why're you here?" He mumbled when she first entered his room and closed the door behind her.

"We figured you didn't eat," Madeline said, sitting cross-legged on the ravenette's bed with a takeout box. She dropped her voice down to a whisper. "We also thought your dad wouldn't let a boy in considering what happened last time, so here I am." She paused. "And, well, I'm worried about you."

"I'm not hungry," Jeongguk whispered, stubborn.

"Jeongguk..." Madeline frowned. "Don't starve yourself. We've been through this before, remember? You deserve to eat."

I don't deserve anything. "You heard about the fight?"

"Jimin... told us..." She replied cautiously, "He heard you guys."

Jeongguk hummed, unsure of how to react.

"I'm not gonna talk about it if you don't want to," Madeline told him, "Right now, you should eat." She presented the box of food. "There's chicken and spaghetti. Mashed potatoes without the gravy cause I know you don't like—"

"I fucked up."

She looked up, an expression of concern plastered on her face.

"I— I didn't think things through," Jeongguk admitted, the muscle on his neck pulsing, "I was stupid for not telling him about my ex. I was stupid for going to confront Carter when I knew Jimin shared a room with him. I didn't think about how Tae would feel. He was already so insecure. I should've known he would react the way he did when he saw me with Jimin."

Madeline placed the food down, listening attentively.

"I shouldn't have belittled him for his insecurities when I know even I have my own."

He lifted his head to meet Madeline's eyes, expecting her to lash out at him. She was Taehyung's friend before she was his, after all. He wondered if the rest of their friends were consoling Taehyung.

"I won't sugarcoat it— You both fucked up," She finally voiced, as blunt and honest as ever, "You both left things unsaid because you thought it wasn't important."

Jeongguk's voice quivered. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not the person you need to apologize to," Madeline said. And it was true. "Can you eat, Jeongguk? We can still talk while you're at it. But you're literally shivering and it's worrying me."

"I'm cold."

"You're cold cause you haven't eaten."

The ravenette sighed, reaching for the box. "Thank you for this."

Madeline shrugged. "It's nothing." She bit her lip as she watched him savor each bite, relieved. "Hey."

Jeongguk tilted his head and looked at her with difficulty, slurping spaghetti. "Hm?"

"Remember when we hated each other's guts?" She said in an attempt to light up the mood.

A small smile tugged on the ravenette's lips. "You threatened to grind up glass to put in my cereal." He quirked an eyebrow, poking at his food as if inspecting for any sharp objects.

"There's nothing in there."

"I wanted to be sure."

Madeline snickered, leaning back on the headboard and Jeongguk was glad he had company for once. He was so used to living out his sorrows alone. Maybe all he needed was a good friend and some good food.

Maybe he'll be okay.

"Maddie?" He gnawed on his inner cheek and continued with a small voice once he gained her attention. "I'm scared."

Her eyes softened, arms falling to her sides. It was new to see the side of her that openly cared. "Of what exactly?"

"We fought."

"I know," She replied, "But it's not a dead end—"

"Hoseok's soulmate bond broke because he and his ex-soulmate fought. What if that happens to us?"

Madeline sucked in a breath, obviously having never thought of that. She twiddled at the ending strands of her hair. "As you said last time, soulmates' bonds aren't brittle. I guess— you just have to believe that you guys love and trust each other enough to keep it together."

"What if there's no love and trust left?"

She met his eyes in a challenge. "Is that what you believe, Jeongguk?"

The ravenette gripped the side of his head, troubled. "We broke each other's trust."

"You can rebuild that," Madeline pointed out, "if you both commit to it."

"But..."

"Do you still love him?"

Jeongguk stole a glance at his window. "Does it matter if I still love him if all we do is hurt each other?"

"Jeongguk—"

"What if we're too far beyond repair now?"

__________

face reveal huh
imma delete this in 24 hours 🙃
(edit: deleted)

h i

(took this a few days ago when i impulsively cut myself some curtain bangs at 1am lmao)

i literally smile like :]

bonus:
rip Toto

this is why my friends say we look alike

another bonus:
me as a rat

at this point i'm just embarrassing myself
you're privileged to see my beauty (and subtle crackheadedness)

goodbye
ily
i'm craving sushi
- hay