Epicenter Tape #2: Point in Time

#PIT44

#PIT44

I got wounds from mommy's hits and scratches but I didn't mind, her cries and screams were full of pain and anger. I was scared while she was pushing and hurting me physically and emotionally with words of accusations but who else is going to stay with her and help her up if I let my fear on? Nobody.

I didn't know how to help her and I felt so worthless but I tried my best to eat everything she was saying even though I know to myself that I didn't do anything to ruin her peace again.

I hated her but I forgave her, too.

Luckily, she didn't get stitches dahil hindi gaanong malalim ang mga sugat na natamo. Hindi nga lang kami nagtagal doon dahil nagpumilit siyang umuwi, Daddy paid everything. I fought with him and told him bad things while Mommy was in the clinic's room, I was consumed with anger and pain of seeing him. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pa siya nagpakita o bakit nagpakita siya agad gayong alam niya ang epekto noong ginawa niya kay Mommy.

"I hate you, I hate you. Isuksok mo sa isip mo 'yan," she kept on saying when she saw me downstairs; cleaning the mess she made at the living area.

Hindi ako nagsalita at nagpatuloy sa pagpupulot ng mga basag na jars, sa repleksyon ko ay kita ko ang mga sugat sa pisngi at leeg ko gawa ng pagwawala ni mommy kanina.

"Both of you! Parehas lang kayo ng ama mo, magsama kayong dalawa! Bakit ka pa pumunta rito at sumunod? Nagpapakitang tao ka, Mavis? You don't need to put on a daughter's face after ruining my peace! You did that because you hate me, I know!"

"I didn't," I said quietly—the scratch on my cheek made me flinch a bit.

Hindi ko naisip ipagamot ang mga sugat ko kanina mula sa paghiwa niya sa balikat ko at mga kalmot sa iba pang parte ng pisngi at katawan ko. Nawala iyon sa isip ko kasi nauna siyang lumabas ng clinic kaya sinundan ko agad.

Napapikit ako nang makarinig ako ng pagbagsak ng jar, nagsisisigaw ulit siya habang umiiyak at kung anu-ano ang sinasabing masasakit sa akin.

"Kaya ayaw mo sa Cagayan dahil gusto mong papuntahin ang Daddy mo rito para muli akong sirain! Alam mong sobra akong apektado hanggang ngayon kaya ganoon ang ginawa mo! I shouldn't have trusted you! I should've left you in this fucking city and live alone in Cagayan! Sana hindi na kita inisip gaya ng sinabi ng mga kapatid ko at ni Mama!"

My eyes grew wider as my heart ached painfully, suminghap ako at tumayo upang harapin siya—nanghihina sa mga naririnig ko.

"I didn't do that. Hindi ko tinuro sa kanya kung nasaan ka," kalmado ngunit pigil ang pait sa loob kong sinabi. "I wouldn't do that because I hate Daddy, too. Hindi ako ganyan kababaw, Mommy—"

"Then, who?! Ikaw lang ang nakakaalam nito! Sino pa ang magsasabi sa kanya?! E, 'di ikaw, hindi ba?!" nanggagalaiti niyang sipat.

She looks so angry and desperate, her eyes were swollen.

"I don't know!" I said in frustration painfully, tears started pooling in the corners of my eyes. "I never told him anything about you and we were not talking after what he did to us!"

I wanted to beg her to believe me but I wasn't brave enough. She's right, I was the only one who knows this address... kanino ko pa ba nasabi iyon? Sa kaalaman niya, kaming dalawa lang. Iyong mga kaibigan ko? Hindi naman nila nakakausap si Daddy.

Dismayado niya akong iniling-ilingan habang nanginginig ang mga labi sa emosyon.

"Hindi ako naniniwala sayo," aniya. "Just leave my house! I don't think I can let you stay with me again! I thought we were alright, Mavis... I just thought pero ang hirap mo nang pagkatiwalaan pagtapos nito. Ikaw lang ang may alam nito, tayong dalawa lang..." humagulgol siya.