Prepsworth Academy

Chapter 86 - ""Well, we've been here before, haven't we?"

EmmaI waslost in another world, lost in darkness and the music. I was aware of movingshapes around me, but didn't care. Suddenly, I felt someone bump into me, hard,and I started falling. My eyes flew open and I brought my hands up in front ofmy face, trying to minimise the imminent damage. As I had almost hit the floor,I felt myself be caught, and I awkwardly brought my hands away from my face tosee Harry looking at me grimly."Well.We've been here before, haven't we?" He said, pulling me up and onto my feet.It took me a moment to realise he was talking about the party at the beginningof the term. "I didn'tfall this time. I was pushed." I exclaimed, pointing behind me. Harry raised aneyebrow and I turned behind me, seeing no one there. I looked to Amy and Jake,and saw Millie talking to them, before leaving. Harry followed my gaze,unimpressed."Youthink that Millie pushed you?" Heasked cynically. I sighed."Whatever.The point is: not my fault." I snapped. Harry rolled his eyes."Do youever get tired of yelling at people?" He asked, crossing his arms."No." Ireplied shortly, turning away."Youcan't just push people away every time you think that you might get hurt."Harry said, a touch of sympathy in his voice. "Thatisn't what this is. Besides, do you think I'm going to miraculously open up andmellow when I meet the right guy, andthen I'll be the perfect person. Then I won't be too uptight or ambitiousbecause god forbid that a smart womanwould have a future once she gets a boyfriend." I yelled, turning back around.Harry frowned."Emma,you're not making any sense. And I'm not saying that you have to mellow and notbe ambitious. What do you want from me?" Harry exclaimed, running a handthrough his hair in confusion. I laughed bitterly, tears coming to my eyes."Nothing.I want nothing from you." I snapped, turning on my heel."Whereare you going?" Harry asked. I shrugged, walking towards Rae and Rose."Away."LukasI lookedup from dancing to see Rose walking towards me."What'sup? I asked, a little disconcerted. "I wantedto see how you were doing." Rose said. I narrowed my eyes."Right.What are you actually here for?" I snapped. Rose looked up and bent back,laughing hysterically."I 'vebeen talking about how everyone hates you now. And I wanted to laugh at you forit." Rose said, between fits of laughter. Rose bent over, her face bright redas she struggled to breathe."Yeah. So hilarious." I muttered, backing away.Rose continued laughing, spluttering into her drink."And doyou know what's even more hilarious?" Rose asked, looking back up. I shrugged,figuring that it couldn't get any worse."What?"Rose raised an eyebrow and pointed her finger at me."I hate you too! Isn't that justhilarious!" Rose exclaimed, breaking into another fit of laughter."Whyexactly is that hilarious?" I asked, rolling my eyes. Rose wiped a few tears from her eyes and tooka deep breath in."Becauseyou have tried everything, and I mean everything– to make me love you. To make me care about you." Rose explained, beforedoubling over, laughing. Rose looked back up and spread her arms wide."And now,I don't care about anything." She finished, a half-smile on her face. I frownedat the floor."Thanksfor ruining my night." I mumbled. Rose nodded indistinctly at me and raised herglass towards me."Anytime."She said, before wandering away. I didn't hesitate, to leave, walking throughthe crowd and out the door, slamming it behind me. The world suddenly seemedsilent, compared to the loud music of the lounge, and the hallway wascompletely dark, filled with nothing but shadows. I let out a breath I and walkedslowly down the hallway, running a hand over the bannister to know my way. Ifelt tears spill over my eyes and I closed my eyes, desperately trying to blinkthem away. Rose was right. I had tried everything. I was so incredibly,heart-breaking desperate. I felt a wave of hurt rush over me, cutting into myheart and I felt pain pierce my stomach, like I'd been stabbed, and someone wastwisting the knife over and over again. The darkness wasn't oblivion, but likea wave of sadness, crashing over me again and again. I walked down the stairs,a single shaft of moonlight falling over my face, highlighting the tearsrolling down my cheeks. I ducked my head down, trying to hide my sadness and Ilet out a sob, doubling over in pain. I was nothing. I could be swept away inthat sea of darkness – and no one would know, or care. My heart felt cold, asthough encased in ice and I lifted my eyes back up to the moonlight, smilingbitterly as it shone across my face. And then, I let the darkness wash me away.JakeIdistantly heard a door slam a looked up quickly, just in time to see thedoorframe shudder. I was about to shrug it off as someone who'd left to go tothe bathroom when Millie tapped my shoulder. I whirled around, raising aneyebrow. Millie mirrored me, before pulling me slightly away. "Whatgoing on?" I asked, my words blurring into one another. "I thinkyou should talk to Amy." Millie said, slightly lesstactfully than she might have meant to. I rolled my eyes."About what, the weather?" Isaid, laughing. "About whatever you want." Millieexclaimed, with a meaningful glance towards Amy. I glanced lazily towards theground."Whatever you're trying to do –it's not going to work." I said half-heartedly."I'm not trying to do anything."Millie insisted, before turning on her heel and walking off. I shrugged,turning back to Amy, and tapped her on the shoulder."Amy! I want to talk to you." Iexclaimed, trailing off after she turned around."About what?" Amy asked."I don't know. Just stuff." Isaid, leaning against the wall."Okay. How about we talkabout...our dreams?" Amy suggested. I bit back a laugh."Our dreams? Isn't that kind of,deep?' I asked, squinting as I tried to connect my train of thought."I already said that I don't know.Besides, did you know that I want to be a dancer. A ballerina, actually." Amysaid, before throwing her head back and laughing. I smiled, unsure whether shewas being sarcastic or not. "Ever since you were six yearsold." I said quietly. Amy looked up, her hair falling over her face. She lookeddifferent than the Amy I knew, the perfect Amy, the one that never did anythingwrong. But she was still Amy. She held out her hand, slipping off herever-present pearl bracelet and handing it to me. I took it, running my thumbever the figure of the ballerina in the center. I began to hand it back to her,and she took it, before gripping my hand and pulling me into the center of thefloor. I laughed, and joined in with Amy's dancing, a wave of euphoria sweepingover me."I thinkI love you." I blurted out, suddenly feeling dizzy. Amy stepped backwards, hereyes wide.I paused,waiting for her to reply. But she didn't, just continued dancing and staring atthe ground for a long time. I felt a small twinge of panic, followed by regret,but barely. I was mostly just numb. For those few hours, I didn't care. Icouldn't. I had said everything that I could. I had told Amy the truth, thetruth that I had been itching to say for so long. Finally, Amy looked up, "I don'tknow that I can answer that." She murmured. The music, as if on cue, switchedto a different, slower song. I looked towards the stereo, but couldn't seeanyone who could've changed the music. I felt as though my heart was beingcrushed into a thousand pieces. I sucked in a breath, trying to ignore thetears building up in my eyes."Okay." Isaid quickly, all dizziness struck from my head, so quickly and sharply that Ifelt my head ache. A hurt expression flashed across Amy's face, but she turnedher face away, and when she looked back, she was composed, her lips pressedtogether in a prim line."WellI'll see you around." I murmured, turning and walking away, joining the biggroup. I closed my eyes, pushing out the tears that had settled on my eyelashes.But it didn't matter. Not anymore. At least, not for now. I'd told Amy I lovedher, and she'd told me she didn't know. It was as simple as that. So why wasit, despite my numbness, despite the party, so heartbreaking?DylanI lookedat Elle, who was dancing, facing away from me. Elle caught my gaze and lookedup, turning around. "What isit?" Elle asked. I shrugged, looking at her leather jacket."Wematch." I said, smiling. Elle tugged at her leather jacket, before looking backup at me."I wearit better." Elle said teasingly. I shrugged again, staring at the floor."Okay,I'll ask again. What is it?" Elle asked, slightly forcefully. I looked towardsthe door, then back to Elle."I'vebeen here. I've done this. The partying, the drinking or whatever. It's notexactly novel. And... it doesn't mean the same thing that it does to everyoneelse." I murmured. Elle frowned at me."But youseemed so enthusiastic about it. Or, as enthusiastic as you can be." Elle replied, looking hurt."It's notpersonal. I just never used to care about anything, so "letting go of all myworries" is just normal." I explained coldly. Elle nodded, looking equally ascold."So youdon't have any secrets." Elle said. I smiled, looking past her, to the party."That'snot what I said." Elle raised an eyebrow and nodded."That'swhat this is all about. Forgetting your secrets. Doing something you've alwayswanted to do. Putting everything on the line and not caring." Elle said, hereyes wide. I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms."Yousound very passionate about that. What are you going to do, make another clubabout it? Write an awarding-winning speech? Or, when you win dux, will you talk about this time, and howsometimes you just need to let everything go." I snapped. Elle looked at meincredulously."I'm notgoing t – oh my god. That's what thisis about, isn't it? Who I am. What I'm like. And I'm not saying to let everything go." Elle exclaimed."Well youcertainly let me go!" I exclaimed, whirling to face Elle. Elle looked aroundhelplessly."Ithought we were past that." Elle replied desperately."And whatdid you think was going to happen? I'll go back to you until you realise "we'rejust too different!" and drop me for some med student! You can't just push meaway in the worst way possible and then expect me to go running back to you." Isaid coldly. "You knowwhat I went through." Elle snapped."And youknow that I went through the exact same thing!" I replied. Elle laughedincredulously and shook her head."As foryou running back to me, you did do that. And you helped me. And now that maybethings are getting serious, you back away. Like you do with anything." Ellesaid harshly."Okaythen, if you want to be like that, let's be like that. How many actualboyfriends have you had Elle? Scratch that, how many relationships have you had? And how many friends do you have?" Iasked, feeling fury crash over me."You'reweak. Pathetic and weak." Elle spat at me. I nodded."I'm amirror of you. We match, remember?" I said quietly, holding my jacket. Elledidn't turn around as she stalked away. I felt a deep feeling of dread sinkinto my stomach. How could she have said what she did? And, how could I havesaid what I did? I guessed it didn't matter – it was all true, every singleword. No regrets, right?HarryI feltthe tension across the room, like a bunch of crossed wires, buzzing withelectricity. Lukas had disappeared, and nearly everyone had switched from theiroriginal groups. Still, there was sense of jubilance and celebration in theair, and everyone was laughing, dancing and singing along. I was dancing in abig group with Jake, Rose, Natasha, Lily and Rae. Elle walked over, and tuggedon my sleeve."What isit?" I asked."I thinkwe should wrap this up." Elle yelled in my ear. I shook my head, confused."Why?" Iasked, eager to get back to dancing. Elle tapped my watch in reply. I glanceddown at it and saw that it was nearly midnight."Youdon't want to be exhausted for tomorrow, do you?" Elle asked pointedly."Fine. Itwas your idea though. Are you sure you're okay?" I asked, noticing Elle'spinched face. Elle rolled her eyes."I'mfine." She replied coldly. I nodded, before turning to everyone else."Okayguys, one last song." I yelled out. I walked over to the stereo, flickingthrough songs until I found the perfect one. As the first strands of the songfiltered through the speakers, Lily smiled and jumped up on the table beforepulling Millie up with her. Natasha followed her, mirroring what they'd done inthe night. Rae and Emma jumped up too, dancing and singing with everyone else.Grinning, I joined them, leaping up and dancing down the table. Rose, Tom, Elleand Dylan followed me, jumping up onto the table. Jake was the only one left,and Amy extended a hand to him to pull him up. Jake stared at Amy's handbriefly before taking it and stepping up. We all danced, squished together,laughing so hard that the people on the ends almost fell off. Someone began todance on the edges, trying to pass people and not fall off, and soon everyonejoined in, dancing and bumping into each other. By thetime the song finished, and silence seemed to ring out across the room, no onemoved. Then slowly, quietly, everyone stepped down and walked to the door. Rae,Millie and Natasha leaving first to go back to their cottage. The message wasclear: when all the party ends, andtruly ends, we will walk away. It hurt a little, but it was piled on top ofeverything else, so that there was so much pain that I was numb. But still, Iunderstood, and I joined everyone as we walked down the hallway to our rooms. Eachdizzy step along the carpeted hallway seemed heart-breaking as I watchedeveryone branch off into their rooms, before closing their doors. And just likethat – we were separate again. In those brief hours, it had felt like we werethe same, a whole being, a group, but that was just wishful thinking. Eventhough we were together we were separate. Like we were separate people, withseparate problems, leading separate lives. Instead of being a group together ina house, we were ten different people standing beside closed doors. But wewatched those doors. And perhaps, one time, we would open them.