Prepsworth Academy

Chapter 87 - "I need to show you something."

ElleI staredat my mess of a room, full of destruction. I looked at the stain my blood hadleft across the perfect white carpet. Then, quickly, quietly, I got down on myknees and cleaned it up. Pushing bookshelves up, slotting books in the rightdirection, putting smashed vases in the bin, or piecing them back together,before gluing them together. I pulled the rug over the bloodstain, perfectingeverything until the room looked just as good as before. Afterwards, I glancedat the clock, hoping it would have been hours, but there was no such luck. Itwas only around a minute to midnight, and already the room seemed to be closingin on me. My argument with Dylan kept on replaying in my head, making me feelguilty and angry all at the same time. "I'ma mirror of you. We match, remember?" The worst part was that he was right.He was a mirror of me. Of who I could have been. Of who I could become. Maybe –who I already was. Broken, reckless, careless. Nothing. My thoughts circled inmy head viciously and the shadows seemed to grow, getting ready to swallow mewhole. The memories of everything came flooding back, suffocating me, clawingat my throat, my head, my heart. The dream came back too, with Adelaidetrapped, being locked away. She wasn't, but she might as well be. And I mightas well been banging on bullet-proof glass for all the help I'd given. It wasuseless. I was useless. And even more broken and bitter than I'd thought. I walked to the door, pushing it open, beforeslipping out into the corridor. There was no lights on, and everyone was lockedaway in their rooms. The empty black doorways seemed to seep darkness, and Iran down the stairs as it chased me, the breath suddenly stolen from my throat.I closed my eyes, and everything had been circling on the back of my mind, thatI'd been thinking about suddenly came back in vivid detail, flashing in frontof my eyes even when I opened them. I stumbled to the doors, shoving them openand gulping in breaths of fresh air. The air was refreshingly cold and tastedlike the sea, and I bent over, breathing in until the flashbacks, until thefear had resided. I walked across the grass, suddenly aware of my bare feet,and pulled my leather jacket closer over my shoulders. I rounded the side ofthe house to the beach. The waterwas lapping gently at the sand, and the moon cast light over the water, almostilumunating the beach. The fog from the day had partially resided, leaving thebeach in sharp detail, so it seemed as though every shell on the beach wasglinting in the moonlight. I trailed a hand through some of the lingering fog,letting the pain from the cold clear my head. I began to walk down the beach,towards the cliff, sometimes staring at the dark water, sometimes at the sky.And then, when my head was clear, I began to think.EmmaThe roomwas luxurious, but seemed cold, inhuman almost. Perhaps it reminded me a littletoo much of my own home. Once I thought about my own home, I began to thinkabout the one I had promised Harry. The one in the forest, which I had alreadyimagined. The one with roaring fireplaces and high ceilings and a beautiful,mysterious forest. Somewhere that actually felt like home, not like a prison. Istared at the door, as if I could open it with my mind, tapping my fingers ofthe bedside table. I turned to the window, where, in the far distance, I couldjust make out the cliff jutting out over the ocean. It seemed to beckon to me,and now was as good as a time as any. I slipped out the door, not bothering tograb a coat a I tip-toed down the stairs. I was out now, and there was no goingback. I made my way out the door and to the beach, which was more welcoming inthe moonlight. The darkness seemed almost kind, the kind of darkness that keepsyou warm and smiling rather than the kinds that engulfs you, cold and harsh. Ididn't feel the cold as I walked down the beach, the sand soft beneath my feet.I didn't worry about the footprints, the water would wash them away quicklyenough. By thetime I'd made it to the cliff, the moon had risen a little further, and thecliff seemed to loom over me, a dark shadow blocking out the light. I stareddefiantly back at the cliff, and began to scramble up the rocks, pulling myselfup over the edge of the cliff. As I stood, staring out at the beach, I saw afigure climbing up the rocks. My heart jumped and I stepped back, trying toremember the few martial arts steps that Rose had tried – in vain – to teachme. I relaxed when the figure held up their arms, stepping into the moonlight."RelaxEmma. It's me." Harry said grimly."What areyou doing here?" I asked, crossing my arms."I sawyou leave and I wanted to make sure you weren't going to do anything stupid. Iwas going to tell you, but you walk fast."I scowled at Harry's weak attempt at a joke."And whatmade you think I was going to do anything stupid." I demanded. Harry raised hiseyebrows, purposefully looking past me to the cliff, and then to the ocean,tossing and turning beneath it."So youwere just coming up here for a picnic? Harry asked sarcastically. I rolled myeyes and turned around, beginning to walk."I cameup here to look at the stars." I said defensively. Harry didn't react, walkinga few steps behind me."I justwant to make sure you're okay." Harry admitted as we neared the end. I scoffed."What isit with you and looking after people? I can look after myself just fine, andeveryone else can too." I snapped."I know."Harry admitted, a smile in his voice that made me pause. It reminded me of theother times I'd teased him, and he'd always say the same thing "I know.". Hesaid it like looking after other people, caring about other people wasn't aweakness. Like it was something to proud of. And eventually, I'd started tobelieve it too. I started to smile too, when I remembered how everything hadchanged. How I had changed. I stared at the drop beneath me, at the stormyblack water. I looked back at the boy,shining in the moonlight, smiling at me. I dropped my gaze, my heart cold. Screw Harry Ryan. And then – I jumped.JakeMy heartfelt like it was broken in two, snapped with eight words. Scratch that, it feltlike it was smashed into tiny pieces. It was nothing I hadn't expected, nothingI hadn't already experienced. I'd had my heart broken by Rose and that hurt,but compared to what was happening, it was nothing.. Because I didn't care. I'dnever really cared. She was just another thing that Lukas had and that I didn't.And when I had finally gotten her, had won against Lukas, it hadn't lasted long.Nothing ever did. So when Amy came along, with all of her stupid dances andstupid smiles and stupid optimism and stupid insults I thought that maybe thistime: things would be different. But of course not. Lukas took Amy from me aswell, but I'd already pushed her away. And to think differently would be themost stupid thing of all.I stoodup and opened the door, looking into the darkness. The hallway and the housewas silent, and I found myself walking down the stairs, facing the doors. Ilooked back at the dark, empty hallway, before pushing open the doors. I don'tknow what I intended to do as I walked across the ground, running a hand alongthe side of the house. I abruptly remembered seeing Amy doing the same thing,the rainwater sliding over her delicate fingertips, and pulled my hand away,crossing my arms. I walked to the middle of the beach, staring at the water.Around me, it was completely quiet, but the stillness was comforting, a quietkind of oblivion. I stared at the water for what seemed like an eternity, sweptup in darkness. Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned, somewhatcautiously to see Amy standing behind me, her gaze a mix between defensive andworried."What, whyare you, how are you here?" I blurted out, frowning."I'vethought about a lot of things. And I want to talk. I just don't know how." Amyadmitted, her voice low, her eyes flicking to the ground, and then back to me.I sighed, glancing towards the bag beside me."I needto show you something."TomI wassitting near the fire again, trying to let the heat erase the pain that hadentered my muscles from over-exertion. It turned out that even I had a tippingpoint, and that point was when I vomited twice from exhaustion. I'd been finethat day, but as soon as I stopped moving, and stopped thinking, the pain cameback. It seemed crazy that it'd only been a day ago when I'd spent hoursobsessively doing sit-ups and push-ups. In hindsight, it seemed like a stupidthing to do at two am, but how different was it from the endless hours ofsports practices I did, from the fitness training and the marathons and thetriathlons. There was pain involved there, but it was the good kind, the kindthat could be fixed. The pain that had come with the first term had been moredifficult to cope with. I ran the conversation that Natasha and I had had atthe party through my head.Natasha walked up tome, looking annoyed."Uh, hi?" I asked, aquestion in my voice. Natasha turned, pointing to Lily."Lily's beingannoying. Saying that I'm not honest with my feelings or whatever." Natashaexplained, rolling her eyes."And you have comehere because?" I continued."Because I don't feellike diving headfirst into whatever drama everyone else had got going on."Natasha said, turning away. I grabbed her sleeve."Wait. I didn't meanthat in a bad way. I'm actually glad you're here. It can be kind of depressingstanding in a party by yourself." I said, smiling. Natasha turned back to me,looking around."You could alwaysjoin the group." Natasha said, nodding at the small crowd of people dancingnear us."I don't want to gocrazy, lose my temper and say the wrong thing to the wrong person." I admitted."Is that all? Youdon't have an alternative motive." Natasha asked, somewhat jokingly. "I guess I'm notready to spill my secrets just yet." I said, laughing."I don't think I ameither." Natasha admitted."I guess that makesme a coward." Natasha continued. "It makes you smart.More smart than the rest of us." I said, slightly bitterly. Natasha glancedback at Lily, before turning back to me."Okay: quick firequestions. What would you do if-"I'dtalked with Natasha for the rest of the time, before the party ended. For somereason, I couldn't stop thinking about what I'd said, that I wasn't ready tospill my secrets. I'd never meant to tell anyone I knew what had happened, butthat wasn't what was on my mind when I said that. I brought my phone out from mypocket, fiddling with it nervously. I took a deep breath, and typed in a textto Natasha:Are you awake? I clicked send,immediately regretting it, but Natasha replied almost immediately. Yeah. Can't sleep. Ikeep on thinking about the party. Something obviously happened. Millie'ssmiling like crazy and Rae actually seemed to like everyone. I laughed, imaginingNatasha's sarcastic smirk as she typed it.Well, that's goodnews – right? I replied.I think so. Anyway,they both say hi.They're with you? We're all sitting inthe living talking about anything but the drama at the party. Rae says you canjoin us, as well as anyone else who might be up." I blinked, beforereplying.I'll go, but I'mpretty sure everyone else is asleep.Fiveminutes later, I was walking along the beach, the quaint cottage in thedistance. As I neared it, seeing the glowing light from the window, I felt astab of worry. Would I be as awkward around Rae and Natasha as I had beenbefore? Was it all a trap or prank? I walked forward, knocking on the door forthe second time that day, and for the second time that day, Natasha opened thedoor, holding another cup of coffee. I stepped inside, looking pointedly at hercup of coffee."Nowonder you can't sleep." I remarked, looking around the hallway. Natashaelbowed me, before in front of me, turning her head to face me."Icouldn't sleep before the coffee, andI'd rather be awake and alert than awake and constantly tired." Natashareplied, leading me to a small living room. There was a large brick fireplace,which a small fire in it, and the two couches were red. Rae and Millie weresitting on one couch, talking, when I walked in."Oh, Tom.I was just about to go to sleep. What acoincidence." Millie said, looking between me and Natasha meaningfully. "Me too.Sorry." Rae added, standing up and walking to a door. Natasha threw a betrayed glaretowards Millie, and then Rae."I'm sureyou can last ten more minutes." Natasha exclaimed, frowning. Millie shook herhead."No cando. I'm just so tired, I feel as though I'm about to collapse." Rae insisted,smirking. Natasha turned away from them, rolling her eyes."Alright.I'm going to go outside. Care to join me?" Natasha asked, setting her coffee onthe table."Sure." Isaid, waiting for Natasha to walk down the hallway before following her.Outside of the cottage was cold, and I immediately shivered at the suddenchange in temperature."How areyour articles going?" I asked, trying to make light conversation. To mysurprise, Natasha seemed to tense up at the mention of whatever she waswriting."Fine.I'm trying to take a break from writing while I'm here." Natasha answered,quickly covering her surprise. I sensed that Natasha didn't want to talk aboutit, and I changed the topic."So whatwas that laptop for?" I asked teasingly."I said Iwas trying to take a break, not that I was." Natasha replied easily."Anyway,what about you? What are you thinking about for your future career?" Natashaasked lightly."I don'tknow. As you pointed out, there's not really a stable job ahead for mostathletes beyond the age of thirty." I answered, a little bitterly. I lookedtowards Natasha, and saw a flash of pity in her eyes as we turned to the side, walkinga few steps into the forest. The forest was similar to the one on campus, withthe moon shining across the water and onto the forest floor. Thee trees weredark, and tall, with some curved and shorter, so that I could reach up andbrush the branches with my fingertips. Natasha leaned against a tree, and I copiedher, leaning against a tree opposite hers."That'ssurprisingly thoughtful of you. What would you do instead?" I avoided Natasha'sgaze, looking towards the water."I wasthinking that I could be a fire fighter" I said quietly, feeling my cheeksflush."I justwant help people and do the right thing. I don't want there to be a thousandme's running around, thinking they can do anything and deserve everything. It'ssounds stupid, especially from me, but -" I blurted out, talking quickly."Itdoesn't sound stupid." Natasha interrupted."Itsounds like something a good person would do. The kind of person I'm alwaystelling you that you are." Natasha continued. I looked back at Natasha, expectingto find judgment and sarcasm in her face, but I only found honesty."If Ilistened, it would just make things harder for me." I said, smiling weakly.Natasha frowned, drawing her eyebrows together in confusion."What areyou talking about?" Natasha asked, taking a step forward. I didn't move, myeyes fixed on her."To knowI'm not worthy of you." I answered hollowly. Natasha let out a choked laugh."Notworthy of me?" Natasha asked again. I didn't reply, looking away. Natasha tookanother step forward."Tom."Natasha murmured. I flinched, hating the pity in her voice. This had all been abig mistake, and I wanted to turn back so badly. But, how could I help othersif I couldn't even help myself?"I likeyou. A lot. And I know you won't like me back, because, who would?" I said,before letting out a shallow laugh, sadness numbing me. Natasha shook her head."Tom.Stupid to the very end." Natashamuttered. I looked back to her, tears prickling in my eyes. I prepared myselffor another rejection, this one a million times more hurtful than the last. Amillion times more hurtful than anything else I'd ever experienced. Natasha andI had hated each other for what seemed like an infinite amount of time, and itwas only recently that we were almost getting along. But I couldn't help butlike her, and I got the uncomfortable feeling that maybe I'd like her allalong. Natasha stepped forward again, before hugging me, her arms wrappingaround my back. "BecauseI like you too." Natasha said, turning her head to follow my gaze towards thewater. The water was still, quiet and serene, and I smiled, letting out abreath. "I reallyam stupid, aren't I?" I laughed."Completely.""Youknow, we could've done this all back in Year Seven and it would've saved us thehassle."

"Right? You messed everything up with your stupidly bad flirting!" Natashaexclaimed."Excuseme? I've gotten many girlfriendsthrough my smooth moves and eloquence." I joked."Well, Idon't know. Maybe now that you're acting all sweet and nice you'll be like thenew Lukas in terms of popularity.""I doubtit. Besides, imagine wanting to be Lukas.He's not exactly the most popular, well-adjusted person right now." I said."Well,we'll see. But, if you turn into the new Lukas, I'm going to be so mad."Natasha exclaimed.I'll tryto keep my ego in check." Natasha regarded me for a minute."I don'tthink you need to. I mean, you have so much to be proud of." Natasha saidfinally."All ofthe sports awards, everything like that, it's good, but I've done some muchworse things. The bad outweighs the good a thousand times over." I saidhelplessly."Tom, youcan't keep on beating yourself up about what happened with Lily. It was awful,but you've more than made up for it. Lily's forgiven you, and you can't hurtyourself over past mistakes. You need to accept that it sucked, and move on.Just because you made one mistake doesn't mean you need to spend the rest ofyour life making up for it. Instead, be a good person just because you want to."Natasha said, comforting me."Thankyou. I'm sorry, I just keep on getting hung up on it." And the fact that I knew about the fire and didn't tell anyone. Natashalooked at me for a moment, before smiling."Trustme, trying to fix mistakes you've made long ago...it doesn't do any good."Natasha said solemnly. "What areyou talking about? Are you okay? Did something happen?" I asked nervously.Natasha laughed and shook her head."It's allin the past now. It won't come back to hurt me, and I'm okay now. Clearly."Natasha said, throwing her hand out to show the forest and the beach."This iskind of surreal, isn't it?" I said, looking around."I know.You would've thought we'd end up like this. Everything before this, it seemslike a lifetime away." "I don'twant to leave her." I confided."What doyou mean?" Natasha asked, turning her head to face me, her hair flying aroundher."I'mscared to leave this perfect place. What if we go back to Prepsworth andeverything changes?" I said hesitantly."Iunderstand. I used to feel that way about Prepsworth, until everythinghappened. But, I think every perfect place, surrounded by a safety bubbleeventually gets popped. It's no use being scared. You just need to run outheadfirst into the world and hope nothing changes. And, if worst comes toworst, I can always use you as a shield. If it's any relief, I'm not planningon leaving you anytime soon." Natasha murmured, looking out at the forest. Ismiled at her, draping an arm around her shoulders."I'm not planningon leaving you anytime soon either. Speaking of which, do you maybe want to goon a date when we get back?" I asked, still nervous despite everything."There'sa café around half an hour away from campus. I plan to have at least three cupsof coffee every day when all of this is over." "It's adate, then." I agreed.

As Natasha smiled at me, I felt a surge of happiness rush through me.For some reason, when I was her, I didn't have to be a winner, or feel like Ihad something to prove. I just felt like me