Prepsworth Academy

Chapter 88 - "I prefer you."

LukasI'd beenperched in the crook of a tree for a couple of hours. The tree was set at thebeginning of the cliff, and at the beginning of the forest. I sat, my legstucked in front of me, looking along the cliff and thinking. The air was bitterlycold and stung my skin, leaving my cheeks red and raw, but the pain was awelcome distraction. I was still, locked in position save for my fists, as Islowly curled and uncurled my fingers, my muscles tight, frozen. There was aringing silence in my head, shrill, harsh and constant. I closed my eyes,trying to push it away, to pull in the familiar numbness, but it didn't come. Ishut my eyes tighter, my breaths quickening, my fists closing and unclosingquicker, before I opened my eyes, slowing my breaths, trying to welcome thepain, use it as an anchor. Once mybreathing had slowed, I began to think about Rose. About the fire. About theparty. I knew everything. Did that make a threat to Rose? Someone that could, andwould, betray her at any moment? I knew that a term ago, Rose would trust me.But now? I couldn't be sure. Danger changes everyone, makes them do irrationalthings. That was another thing I knew. But what I was contemplating, it wasn'tirrational, or at least, I thought not. It was almost logical, and ifeverything went right, Rose would emerge from this unscathed, unburdened andfree. It was a simple decision to make really, choosing. I had the keys to Rose's cage, and all I hadto do was let her fly free. And fly she would. I couldn't have any doubt orhesitation left in my heart, and I was pleasantly surprised to find out that Ididn't. This once, just this once, I could be brave. My eye flicked up to thestars and stayed there, and I was still as I dreamt of my future, of what could'vebeen, remembering every laugh, every moment and imagining a million more. And,with that, I smiled.AmyI lookedtowards the bag that Jake was picking up, anxious about what would be inside. Iwas thinking it would be something related to what had happened on the party afew weeks ago, but instead, Jake reluctantly pulled out two paintings. Jakecarefully set down the bag, before flipping around the first one. The firstpainting was a watercolour of a girl. The sunset behind here were lazy, softcolours, and she seemed to melt into it, a smile on her face, her blue eyessparkling. She looked ethereal, delicate and not quite tangible. I realized,with a gasp, that it was me. It must have been me on the rooftop, when I wastalking about my bracelet. Jake didn't say a word as he shuffled the canvas' tothe next painting, the last one. It was black and white, and starklycontrasted. It looked almost like a photo, with every brush line standing outvividly. This one was me too, or at least, it looked like me. My features werealmost the same, but my mouth was pulled down into a snarl, and my eyesglittered with pure hatred, so strong that I took a step back. And dominatingover it all was the bright red straps of my tutu from my dance, screaming outfrom the page. It must have been how I looked backstage, after I danced Puppet, after I yelled at Jake. I feltcold rush over me, and looked up at Jake, who was carefully avoiding my gaze."Whichone do you like better?" Jake asked, his voice measured and calculated, likehe'd slipped a mask on over his true feelings. I took a moment to decide, trulydecide, before answering."Thefirst." I replied, quietly but strongly. Jake tossed the second to the side,disposing it in the water."Me too.What do you like about it?" Jake asked again. I bit back a laugh, trying tofigure out his angle."Thefirst is nice, kind and, the person in the first cares so much they couldexplode. They're soft and innocent. They look... as though they've never doneanything they've regretted. The second is cold and harsh and miserable." I saidslowly, not caring about how stupid my words sounded. The meaning was there. "You'reright. But, I don't care much for either of them." Jake said purposefully,looking down at the remaining painting, before throwing it into the sea,without sparing another look towards it."None ofthem are real. They're all just dreams, or memories – ghosts." Jake saidquietly. "I preferyou. Because no matter how cold or guarded you think you are, you're here. With me. And both those other girls aren't. And I wouldn'twant them to be. I wouldn't want anyone else to be here with me." Jakecontinued, holding my gaze. I smiled at him, finally knowing what to say. Iheld out a hand, glistening white in the moonlight. "Dancewith me." I asked, my voice echoing around. Jake stared at my hand for amoment, apprehension and worry glittering in his eyes, before taking my hand. Istepped into the water, until I was ankle deep, and began to dance, a simple,elegant dance I could do in my sleep."I havethis habit of thinking I know people. I've liked you for so long. Too long. Iwas always behind the scenes, out of sight, like I was watching you from thewings of the stage. Watching you chase after Rose and stumbling over yourselfto accommodate Lukas' every need. I always thought you deserved better. Thatyou were better. That you were different. Like you were untouchable, above itall. And then I saw you chase after Rose, just as desperate as I was. And thenyou hurt Lukas, and went into this spiral of helplessness. Then, I thought Iknew you. I thought that you were cold, and selfish and just as calculating asthe rest of them. I thought you were using me, using everyone because you werehurt. I thought that when you went after me, it was so that Lukas couldn't haveme too. And when he did, you were only trying to get me away from him. So thatyou could triumph over him. I was wrong then too. Because I see you now Jake,as you are. Flawed, but funny. Cold, a little callous, but open and honest.Deeply sarcastic but, underneath it all, kind. And one of the most caringpeople I know. I know you Jake, and, I love you." I confessed, my wordsspilling out, raw and honest. Jake didn't answer, instead spinning me around,sending freezing cold droplets of water flying up. He didn't need to.HarryI knew,as soon as I saw her face, what she was going to do. I saw it in her eyes,stubbornness and hate and regret and pain all mixed together, poisoning her. Iknew it the moment the corner of her mouth pulled down, a subtle sign of heranger. I screamed out her name as Emma ran and jumped off the cliff, and, asalways, I followed.The dropwas short, the briefest sensation of plummeting down, before I slammed into thewater, the impact stinging my skin. If the water had been cold that morning,the water was inconceivably freezing, and pure coldness making my teeth acheand scream. I was submerged in darkness, disoriented and confused, before Ibegan to kick up, or what I thought was up, reaching towards the smallestglimmer of light. When I broke the surface of water, gasping for air andwincing at the impact of the cold air against my skin, I felt a hand grab mine.I turned, treading water, to see Emma staring at me."We needto swim back. I am not going back to get you." She explained but the barb wasempty. I turned on my back, not wanting to put my face in the cold water, and tryingto ignore how much my body was in pain.Theadrenaline pumped swim back to shore was nerve-racking, and the only comfort Igot was Emma's huffs of breath beside me, reminding me that I wasn't alone. Themoon was bright, beams of light against my eyes, shining against the darkvelvet sky, slowly edging away from us. When we got back to shore, after whatseemed like hours, but was only minutes, I sat down, letting the water settlearound me, before pulling myself back until I was two metres from the water,and curling up, trying to stay warm. Emme sat beside me, resting her head on myshoulder."I'msorry." Emma murmured, shivering. I remained silent, my eyes fixed on thewater."Harry?Are you okay?" Emma asked, after I'd stayed silent. I still didn't reply,gritting my teeth against the cold. Emma turned to look at the water, beforespeaking."What Isaid at the party. I thought that you were trying to change me, make meless...cold. Like all those movies, when the unlikeable, strict woman gets taughtto be kind and appreciative and it's meant to be so romantic. I like who I am, unlikeable or not." Emma saidquietly. I kept my mouth shut, not reacting, not even blinking."And Ilike you too. More than I like myself. Much more. I feel like I don't have tochange around you. I can be myself and you lo – like me for it." Emmacontinued. I scowled, turning to her."What doyou want me to say? The perfect speech, where I declare my undying devotion andlove for you and everything works out and we live happily ever after? BecauseI'm sick of that. I'm sick of always saying the perfect thing, being theperfect person. I love you Emma. There, are you happy?" I exclaimed, my facetwisted into a scowl. Emma looked to the ground, dragging her fingers throughthe sand."I neverwanted you to say the perfect thing. I'd prefer the harsh truth over emptylies. But, I don't want to look you in the eye and know whatever I say won'tmatter. That it's all for nothing." I shrugged."What do you want me to do then?" I asked bitterly."I want you to know something. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything, andthe way I pushed you away. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I know it doesn't meananything to you, but I love you. And, when I realised it, all I wanted to dowas ignore that fact. But I don't want to ignore it anymore. And whether it'stoo late or too weak or not special enough for you, I want you to know that."Emma blurted out, speaking quickly. I felt my heart jump, filling with hope."Do you remember your dream?" I murmured. Emma laughed, taking my handcautiously."Of course." I smiled, leaning my head against Emma and watching the water."The forest, with it's hue of colours and serenity." Emma explainedbriefly, and simply. I could still remember the first time Emma had,reluctantly told me about it. How it made me so happy, so hopeful. How it hadboth the power to build me up and tear me down."How could I ever forget it?" Emma continued, her voice a mixture ofelation and a strange sort of sadness. "Do you still want that dream." I asked, my voice hollow, equal partsexcited and afraid for the answer."More than ever. More than ever."Emma repeated, turning to look at me, so I could see the truth in her eyes. Ismiled, before laughing."What is it?" I turned to her, a smile still half hidden on my face."We may still get our happily ever after. And it will be ours. Not your family's, not myfamily's, ours." Emma raised an eyebrow."Law school will take time. Andwe'll have a gap year." Emma mused, as if thinking about it."I know. It might just be too difficult." I added sarcastically. Emmabroke into hysterical laughter, fuelled by either adrenaline or happiness and Ijoined her, laying back on the sand and laughing. Not all dreams come true. In fact, they barely ever. But this onemight. I hope, more than anything, that it does.DylanI stared at myself in the mirror, looking, truly looking at myself.Looking at myself from someone like Elle's perspective. Dark, messy hair, the kind of look everyonethinks I'd spend hours perfecting. Sapphire eyes, cold and careless. An almostpermanent don't care smirk. What kind of person did everyone think I must be?What type of person was I? Was I the cold rebel everyone thought I was, or the kind, thoughtful boyI used to be, a long time ago. A little sarcastic, yes, but good enough of aperson to deserve a good life. I frowned, slamming my hand on the glass, beforeturning to the window. The room was stuffy, and seemed small, despite it'simmense size. The beach, in comparison, seemed to stretch on and on, open and bright. I threw open mydoor, and stepped out, before I could change my mind and back into the smallcomfort of my room. I walked down the stairs, sliding my hand over the rails. Ireached the doors, pushing them open and walking out into the darkness.It was barely fifteen metres to the beach, but I walked a little way intothe forest, looking at the treetops and at the dappled moonlight, trickling inthrough the leaves. It was beautiful, yes, but Prepsworth already had a forest,one that was equally beautiful. I walked to the beach, expecting it to serenelyempty. Instead, I saw a silhouette, standing on the beach. As soon as I saw it,I knew it was Elle. I was torn between calling out and walking away."Elle." Iexclaimed, trying not to sound strange or uncomfortable. It was only as sheturned that I realised what a bad idea it was. I'd fought with Elle, insultedher, and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to apologise,but not for the truth. We both did things wrong, and if she were to push allthe blame on me, it would be laughably painful. Elle turned around, immediatelycrossing her arms."Did youfollow me here? Elle asked as I neared her."Believeit or not, this was a coincidence." I replied sharply, biting back an insult."So whycouldn't you have just ignored me?" Elle asked. I rolled my eyes."Becauseif I kept walking past you, it would look even more creepy." "Okay.""Okay." Iechoed, mirroring Elle by crossing my arms. There was a awkward silence ringingin the air. I felt goose bumps rise on my skin, the result of the cold and fogstill lingering on the beach."You wereright." Elle said eventually, her words seeming to echo in the emptiness of thebeach."You arethe mirror of me. Who I could've been. You could've turned out like metoo." Elle continued bitterly."Do youever wonder what we might have turned out like? If what happened, hadn'thappened. Who would we be? Would we still have been friends?" I asked,cautiously. I didn't know how Elle was going to react. Would she get angry andindignant, or sad, or just walk away? "All thetime. What would life be like if I got to go home for the holidays and see mysister there. If you were no one but another face in the crowd. If my familydidn't have to rely on me to be the daughter they'd always dreamed of." Ellelisted, her eyes glazed over, as if she were off in another world. Then sheblinked, and I realised her eyes were glazed with tears. I drew her into a hug,equally to comfort myself and her. I wanted life to be different, for me not tobe stuck in a weird beach house, embroiled in an equally strange mystery, witheverything crashing down around me."Ifsomeone's in charge of everything, everyone's lives, everything that happens,then they definitely stuffed up with us." Elle said, laughing. "Onehundred percent." I agreed, however sadly. I stepped back, looking at Elle. Iwasn't looking at the ground, hiding my gaze, my feelings. Not anymore."I amsorry for what I said to you. So unbelievably sorry. But – I don't regret it."I said honestly, before seeing Elle smirk. Elle caught my gaze and looked up,almost defiantly."Noregrets has become a bitter sort of mantra for us." Elle explained, stillsmirking."Yes.Hilarious." I replied sarcastically."I don'tregret what I said either. I know it was cruel, and unneeded and completelyjust to pick a fight with you, which for some reason I enjoy doing." Elleexplained, before pausing."But itwas just as true as the things you said to me.". I nodded, accepting her words.They were true, and they hurt, but the more I pushed the truth away, the more Iseemed to get hurt. Maybe I needed to embrace the truth, for once.You knowin the hallway, all the way back in the first term, when you said we were justfriends, and that was all we'd ever be...did you mean it?" I asked hesitantly.Elle tilted her head to the side, the corner of her mouth quirked up."You'vefound me out, Adams. It was the one thing I lied to you about." Elle said. Iignored the flush the coloured my cheeks red and instead forced myself to takea breath."The onething? So it's true then. If we ever get together you'll drop me for some medstudent." I joked."Fine.One of the few things. Besides, like you haven't kept your own secrets. And,I'm pretty sure you said when we gettogether, not if." Elle said, a smileplaying on her lips. I raised an eyebrow."Is thisyour weird way of asking me out?" I asked, smirking."Is thisyour weird way of accepting?" Elle shot back."Yes." Isaid immediately and Elle laughed, her eyes shining. "Then, yes."Elle replied. I couldn't keep a small smile spreading across my face. It wasstrange, impossibly strange from how well things seemed to work out. I knew itwouldn't be easy, that someone wouldn't click and the words happily ever after would appear, and allof our problems would disappear. But, they could, if only for a moment ofhappiness."So, it'sa date?" I asked nervously. "Or two."Elle added. I grasped her hand, holding it between us like a bridge."Isuppose I'll look forward to it." I said lightly. Elle rolled her eyes."Come onAdams. Like you don't love me." Elle teased. "Fine. Iwill count down the days until I finally get to go on a date with you, ElleGuerreo Espanzera." I admitted."Honestenough for you?" I asked. Elle shrugged."Notquite." She said. I sighed."Whatmore do you want?" I exclaimed. Elle shrugged, her eyes flicking down and thenflicking up to meet mine, mirroring what had happened on the first day."I wasthinking along the lines of: I am utterly and hopelessly in love with you and Ihaven't been able to sleep thinking that you hate me. You know, just so we'd beon the same page." Elle suggested lightly."I didn'tthink I needed to tell you we were on the same page." I replied smoothly, pretending not to noticeElle's faint blush."Well, inany case, I'm glad I got the message across." Elle said, tilting her chin upand tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear."I'm gladthat despite everything, we've been able to stay together. Even when we thoughtwe hated each other, we've always come back together, we've always found eachother." I confessed. Elle smiled and chased the same curl behind her ear."Thankyou, for being here for me. I wouldn't have made it otherwise. I cant say howgrateful I am." Elle said earnestly. I felt like I was dancing across thestars."You'rewelcome, but don't thank me. You, being here, with me, it's the best thing toever happen to me." I whispered. Elle's lock of hair fell out of place againand this time I hooked it behind her ear, smiling at her. Elle really was thebest thing to happen to me. She'd changed me, challenged me, had broken me andbuilt me up again, and I had done the same for her. And then, just like that,everything was perfect. "LilyI wassitting on an armchair that I'd dragged over to the window, my legs slung overone arm, reading Death On The Nile. Ididn't bother to look out of the window, instead focusing and reading asquickly as I could, using the light from the fire as a light. Outside, it wasalmost completely dark, and everything combined created a comfortable, safefeeling inside the room. I had no intention of leaving my room, or even gettingup when someone knocked on the window. I looked up, a little annoyed, to seeMillie, her face almost completely obscured by the darkness. She gestured tothe beach, before disappearing. Confused, I set down my book, before racing outthe door and down the stairs, and around to the beach, where I saw Millie landgracefully on the sand. I frowned at her."How'dyou get up there?" I asked as I walked towards her. Millie shrugged, leaningagainst the wall."Drainpipe."Millie answered nonchalantly. "Makessense. Now, forgive me for asking the obvious question, but why are you here atmidnight?" I asked, trying to soften my words. Millie shrugged again.

"I'm pretty sure this kind of thing is typically seen as a big romanticgesture, but if you want the truth: Rae's sleeping and Natasha's outsidesomewhere and I was bored." Millie explained jokingly. I grinned at her, beforeleaning against the wall and sliding down onto the sand. Millie sat next to me,her back against the wall. I turned to smile at Millie, before turning back tolook at the beach, resting my head against Millie's shoulder and feeling likeI'd finally, finally found my place