Prepsworth Academy

Chapter 34 - "But I was wrong."

Jake

I was so angry, mainly at myself. I'd stuffed everything up so, so badly, almost laughably so.

When I'd looked at Amy as we were walking to dinner, I'd known it, in that single moment, that I could fall in love with her. That, if we kept on continuing like we were, maybe, eventually, I would. I also knew that I would never be good enough for her. I'd just let myself down again, and let her down even more so. I'd just hurt myself again, or let myself be hurt. Maybe ,I just wasn't good enough for anyone. I was the side-kick after all. The one who wasn't meant to find love.

But even that was something I could stomach, even if I could still push all of my emotions down so far that I wouldn't think of them. Then suddenly, painfully, I remembered how I felt about Rose, how much I had hated her. And then, I thought of Amy hating me, and that had hurt me deeper than anything else.

Rose was a walking reminder that I wasn't good enough, that I'd never be. And every day Lukas reminded me of that too. And I didn't want Amy to become one of those walking nightmares, my worst fears realised. I didn't want the striking girl sitting next to me to become a memory of the past and pain.

"Jake, there's something you should know." I stilled upon hearing Amy's lilting voice, as beautiful as the sunset up ahead.

"When I was five years old, I knew I wanted to be a dancer. I loved to dance more than anything. It was freedom, euphoria, undiluted by the politics and judgements of the world. My grandmother was a dancer, a ballerina. She loved dance more than anything too. She gave me this bracelet for my sixth birthday, it was made of pearls but had a ballerina figure in the middle. She said she'd ordered the jewellers to model the ballerina after me." Amy smiled blissfully, lost in another world.

"It did look like me and I remember it had the most beautiful tutu I'd ever seen. It was a soft blue and look like it was embellished with gold thread. I wanted so badly to be the ballerina on the bracelet, frozen in dance, in joy. I loved the bracelet instantly, but when I slipped it onto my wrist, tiny spikes on the underneath the bracelet cut into my hand, dozens of tiny pinpricks. My grandmother said it was a metaphor, not that I knew what that was. She said that with joy comes pain. "The greater the joy, the greater the pain, the worse the sacrifice.

On my first day at Prepsworth I was nervous and worried, and every anxiety I had came floating to the surface of my head. I wore the bracelet to give me strength, but somehow, in my first day, I lost it. I was so frightened, I felt like my world was falling apart, like losing the bracelet was a sure sign that I was going to hate Prepsworth, and that all of my worst fears would come to light . And you found it for me." Amy finished. I sat there in shock, still hunched over.

"I remember that." I said slowly, looking up. I reached out to hold Amy's left wrist, pulling back her bracelet gently. I saw a scar, a ring of tiny dots, twisting around her wrist. I traced it with my hand, trying not to flinch at the dents in her skin and keeping my eyes firmly off Amy's face.

"My grandmother used to say that dancing and my family, they were her joys in life. Her only joys. I always thought I was the same, maybe even less so." Amy whispered and then shook her head.

"But I was wrong. Because my joys in life; what I couldn't bear to part with; they're dancing, my family and...you." And you. Her words echoed in my head, hope lighting me up in a golden light.

"I don't want my sacrifice to be you." Amy said softly. I looked up at her, her face glowing softly as the sunset washed over her, colouring her eyes a richer blue and setting her hair on fire.

"Neither do I." I whispered, but I knew it was too late. Even if what she said was true, how could she care for me? I paled in comparison to dancing and...family. I supposed Amy didn't harbour any lingering grudges at being shipped off to Prepsworth like the rest of us.

"You've already made too many sacrifices." Amy whispered. I stopped tracing her wrist, my fingertips freezing over her pulse. She was talking about my failed revenge plan, and the fight in the dance-room. How many times had I she danced in there? Would that room be forever tarnished by my actions? What else had I done that would further poison her view of me? I knew she was looking for me to apologise. It was clear as day. My throat tightened and I pulled my hand back to my side. Had this whole thing been orchestrated to make me a better person? Was I her good deed?

"What are you saying?" I asked, trying desperately to find any lingering shreds of hope that had been so plentiful a moment ago.

"Made too many sacrifices, or caused too much pain?" I continued, the last shreds of hope withering and dying.

"Will I ever be enough for you?" I asked bitterly, staring out at the sunset that had seemed so lovely only a few minutes ago. Amy's silence was answer enough. I wanted to run off. Not out of immaturity or childishness but just so I could get away from Prepsworth, so I could get away from Amy. To clear the growing pressure in my head, a pounding, unyielding drum beat. I'd poured my heart out to Amy, spilled all of my secrets, all of my weaknesses and she'd only confirmed my fears. I'd let my guard down, and it was not done easily or without hesitation. I'd done everything I was afraid to do, and she'd thrown it all back in my face. She was just another Lukas, just another Rose. And I, I would never be enough. Not when it mattered. I stood up and walked away.

Rose

"Cheerleading Team A Tryouts today!" The various blue posters scattered around the hallway that advertised my cheer team in varying degrees of skill were the subject of attention from most of the girls in the hall, and some of the boys. As I walked down the hall in my cheer uniform, I felt the stares turn to me, and I initially ignored them, instead focusing on Saya's story about her plans for Yale. For the first time in ages, I felt confident again. I smirked at the girls who stared at me, my blue skirt swishing around me. Saskia and Katie walked by my side, their hair in bouncy ponytails, identical to mine. Despite the madness of the first week and the upcoming plan, I felt powerful again. Prepsworth's cheer squad was celebrated – and envied. And I, of course was the cheer captain. It was natural to take the lead. It was like something from a movie, Katie, Saya and I, walking down the hallway, the students comically awe-struck stares following us, and the irony wasn't lost on me I almost laughed – to most I was the ultimate mean girl stereotype. That was a role could play for however long I needed to, and one that would help with the plan. After Year Twelve I could finally break free of it, and prove to all of the people gawking in the hallway that I was so much more than just a gossipy mean girl. But until then...

Lily

I didn't want to face Rose. I didn't want to confront her over everything she'd done. I really didn't even want to see her smug, blond face. On the other hand, I needed to support Millie. So that was the reason that I found myself walking onto one of Prepsworth's ovals and watching a cluster of over-excited girls attempt to do gymnastics, and succeed much less frequently than I would think for a bunch of cheerleader-hopefuls.

The try-outs seemed to stretch on forever. Eventually, after much eye-rolling (me), anxiously waiting for results (the cheerleader hopefuls) or laughing (Rose, Saya and Katie), it was time for Millie's auditions. At the time, the try-outs were good. Everyone there had already either been on Cheer Team B or had done some form of gymnastics, and they were all good in a cookie-cutter way. However, compared to Millie, they were nothing. And she was everything. She was so mesmirsing, her tryout was practically a dance. Dancing to pop music and spinning and jumping she could've fit in with any cheerleader on the Team A. She would still be a million times better than them. She was different to everyone else with their chants and stilted routines, she was fun and exciting, someone that was actually interesting to watch. As quickly as it had began, Millie's audition was over.

I looked over at Rose, who was giving an insincere smile at her panel (her posse, no surprise there) and I felt a burst of indignant anger. I'd disliked Rose before she'd outed me, for a good reason too. She always got away with everything, no matter what she did. She had to face up to what she'd done. She had to face up to me. I found myself running down the bleachers, leaping over three benches at a time before I hit the ground with my knees bent, my momentuem carrying my in a forward roll. I stood up and walking over to the dwindling try-out line. Rose looked up at me and frowned as she took in my determined expression.

"What are you doing here?" I glared back at her, trying to match her stone-cold stare.

"I want to try out."