Spencer Reid's Daughter

Part 64

You heard his footsteps get closer until you saw his feet in front of you. You were still looking down as he said frustratedly, "y/n, I- I don't even know where to start. I am so-" He saw that you weren't looking up, he angrily said, "Look up at me when I am speaking to you." You looked up and met his fiery eyes. He sighed and rubbed his hands in his face, then he yelled, "What in the hell were you thinking!? You can't just go..choke anyone you want to...even if it's a serial killer! Why did you do that? Were you even thinking clearly? I mean-"

Your voice choked as you said, "Dad! Stop, I'm sorry." He ignored what you just said and continued, "I don't want to hear it from you! Just tell me what you had in mind that you would get out of that?" You cried, "I just-I got angry. I wanted her to know the pain I have gone through because of her-" Your dad shouted, "And you thought choking her would fix that? y/n, what happened to just telling her about your pain? I told you to be above her-" You were screaming at this point, "NO! YOU DON'T GET TO SAY THAT AFTER WHAT I'VE GONE THROUGH! YOU KNEW FROM THE START THERE WAS NO WAY I WOULD BE ABLE TO GO IN THEIR AND GIVE HER A SPEECH ON HER MAKING ME STRONGER! COULD YOU HAVE DONE THAT WITH TOBIAS...NO BECAUSE YOU DID KILL HIM!"

His eyes just got angrier, "y/n! That is not up for discussion right now! You should've told me you wouldn't have been able to say what I told you to say and have me go in there with you!" You yelled, "No! I wanted to do something on my own for once-" He shouted, "You do do things on your own-" Your voice got quiet, "Oh really, because I can't even sleep half of the time I'm my own room because of her." He sighed and rubbed his face in his hands. He then changed the subject and said, "Let me see your arms." You held them close to your stomach, but he just aggressively grabbed them and rolled up your sleeves.

He saw your new cuts cover your old scars and asked disappointedly, "Why'd you do it?" You just looked down at the ground and let a tear fall out, he spoke louder, "Answer me." You looked up and said loudly, "Because I needed it! I needed the release because-" He yelled again, "Because of what?" You screamed, "Because I'm tired of living! You don't understand...I want to die! I don't want to be here anymore-"

He spoke quietly and sympathetically, "y/n, you don't mean that-" You stood up and yelled, "Yes I do! I'm tired of having to fake that I'm fine all the time when I'm actually numb on the inside. I can't do it anymore and it's making me so tired! I just want to give up. I don't want to do anything anymore! I would finally be free-" At this point, he wrapped you in a tight hug in an attempt to calm you down, "Shh, y/n, hey..."

You kept your arms down at your side and just went limp in his arms, crying into his chest. You were just so tired. He whispered, "y/n, I know you want to go...but I need you to stay here for me. You have people who love and care about you. I know you don't think this, but it really is only temporary." You continued to cry into his chest until your breathing calmed down and matched his. Eventually, you called down enough and pulled away, you looked up at him and he whispered, "You're okay, let me go grab some vaseline to help your cuts heal."

He quickly walked away to grab it, then he came back and gently rubbed it on your arms. You took in a few deep breaths until you asked, "Can I go up to my room?" He sighed and said, "Give me your blade." You looked down and sulked walking up to your room. Your dad followed you just in case, when you got up to your room, you opened your drawer and handed him the blade.

He looked at it confused for a minute, "Is this a pencil sharp-" You looked down and nodded. He frustratedly sighed and said, "Where is the pencil sharpener that you got this from?"

There was one more blade in there...and he knew it.

You looked at him confused, "Why do you-" He began to look through your things, "Because, every pencil sharpener comes with two blades." You sighed and handed him the other, then he asked, "Do you have anymore." You answered a clean, "No."

You do have more.

He raised his eyebrows, "y/n...I know when you lie to me." You huffed angrily and grabbed your other pencil sharpeners and slammed them into his hand, "Apparently not because you didn't even notice why I was wearing a sweatshirt this morning!" His voice grew louder, "I can't tell all the time! But when you make it obvious like that-" You just angrily sat on your bed and said, "Just leave me alone!" He stood there and crossed his arms, "No! I'm sick and tired of you having an attitude with me! I have let it go for a long time because you were going through this...but I have helped you so much and all you do is turn me away! I'm not going to feel sympathy for you if you aren't even trying to get better-" Does he not realise that I don't want to get better. I'm so numb and nothing can fix that.

You screamed, "I don't want to get better! I have been so miserable for a long time, that when I feel happy, I feel like a part of me is missing! I like cutting because it is a part of me now!" He stood back shocked, "y/n! You can't keep living like that!" You yelled and threw a pillow at him and screamed, "I don't know any other way! It's all I know." He swung open the door, pissed, and as he was walking out said, "y/n Diana, drop the attitude right now. I will be back in an hour, think about what you just said." You rolled your eyes and he yelled from the hallway, "y/n!"

You then laid back down on the bed and let your thoughts spiral. Why was he being so rude. I mean, I was having an attitude, but I just can't help it. I have bottled up my emotions for so long, they are just spewing out everywhere, all over the place. I can't do this anymore. You felt bad for your attitude, for everything you had done. You just were tired of living. You wished you had said so many things to Cat. You wished you said so many things to your dad. Why am I sad all the time? What made me like that? I just need a release. But I have nothing. I cannot release my pain.

You then decided to just put a pillow up to your face and scream. After you calmed down, you laid back down and at some point you fell asleep. You were truly tired. You then heard the door creak open. You slowly sat up to see your dad come sit beside you on the bed. He sighed and said, "y/n, I need to ask you a few questions, and I know you aren't going to like what I have to-" You sighed and said, "Just say it, it can't make anything worse."

He sighed and began, "y/n, have your periods been regular? Are you on it right now?" Was he blaming it on my menstrual cycle?? You spoke louder, "Are you blaming my attitude on my period?" He sighed and said, "No. You said the other day that you saw Cat in the mirror, but it wasn't a dream. You were awake." You looked at him confused, "Okay...what are you getting to." He looked down and said, "So you would say you had a hallucination, right?" You furrowed your eyebrows, "Umm...I guess so-"

He sighed, "y/n, I think you might be experiencing early-onset schizophrenia."