ʀᴇᴠɪᴇᴡ ꜱʜᴏᴘ

review | seven

Living with the Bangtan Boys by ami_gguk

Reviewer : little_mxmo

GENRE : Fanfiction 

OVERALL RATING : 2.5/5 ☆

First Impression :
Because you wanted me to look at the cover, that was my first impression. Continue reading for a more in-depth analysis of that. 

Graphics & Blurb :
One of the things you wanted me to look at was the cover. In my opinion, it looks a little cluttered. If you would have taken away the three girls at the boom, I think it would have looked a lot better. As for the blurb, it seems far-fetched...like really far fetched. Based off the blurb, it doesn’t sound very realistic (even for a fanfiction, and that's saying a lot). 

> Zoey Marie Dolores is a 22-year-old girl living with her cousin Caroline. She is a YouTuber, singer, and dance teacher.

She lives in a small town in Alberta, Canada. She has a rough childhood, and she didn't get any love or support from her family. The only thing she has left is her cousin.

I also think it would be better if you merged these two together and then cut out some of the unnecessary bits. But that's just a personal opinion, the blurb is fine on its own (save for the unrealistic plot part). Also it irks me a lot that the three girls on the cover are clearly Asian, but the main character's name is Zoey Marie Delores. There are lots of Asian-Canadians, but to strip her away of her ethnicity and culture and name her Zoey just feels wrong. But this is just going by the blurb, so I could be wrong. 

As for the character aesthetics, those are very well done. 

First Chapter :
One of the first things that made me cringe was the, 

> *RING...RING...RING* 

> “Sure what kind sho- AHHHHH DAD WATCH OUT!” 

*GASP* 

Never, and I mean NEVER, should you do that. Not only does this turn away a ton of readers, but it makes your writing look immature and very cringey. This isn’t a stage play, do not write actions with ** on each side. There are lots of ways to describe things. 

Also I’m guessing this is a flashback type thing? It would be better if it was written in the third person, so that the reader can get a taste of what happened from an outsider's view. Or you could have saved it until it became relevant to the plot, instead of starting your book out with it. It bothers me though that most of it is speech, yet there are a few action sentences sprinkled in. Try to use both in equal amounts. 

Now I’m even more confused about the structure of the story because not too soon after, theres another flashback. 

Writing Style :
You’re writng style isn’t terrible, but it isn’t great either. I think if you focus on taking out all of those *Gasp* type things out, as well as changing any moments that look like the following, then you’ll be well on your way to improvement. 

> I checked everything off my list, EXCEPT FOR ONE THING! I WAS MISSING MY PASSPORT!

It seems like something that would belong in a Dork Diaries book, and not something about fanfiction, or just writing in general. 

World Building / Setting :
I still don’t know why it’s in Canada. I personally would have like it more if it was set in Korea. That way you can dive into some of the culture there. It feels like to me, you didn’t want to settle with a story in America, so you made one in Canada instead. I can’t even see any of the cultural differences between Canada and America in your writing. I also don’t see anything depicting that the fic is actually set in Canada. 

Plot :
I don’t know how to explain it, but you are moving too fast AND too slow. Each chapter seems to speed along quite quickly, yet as a whole, the plot doesn’t seem to be moving much. It might be because you explained so much in the first chapter, it was just too much information for me.