ʀᴇᴠɪᴇᴡ ꜱʜᴏᴘ

review | twenty seven

THE HUNCHBACK'S RELUCTANT BRIDE by LynaForge

Reviewer: DaniBrull

REVIEWER NOTE:

 I am so incredibly sorry that I was late on this! I had a battle with covid-19 and got pneumonia, then soon after, a close family member passed from the same disease. I have given myself time to heal, and mourn, and focus on writing things (and journaling) to get through this hard time. Again, I am so so sorry! Still not 100 percent emotionally, but I am feeling better. I am taking every day as it comes!

You asked me to take a hammer to this, so with your request, I shall! Again, remember, I don't know what's best for your book—you do. But I will get my goggles on and red pen and see what I can find.

HUGE NOTE: 

If there are errors in this review, literally typed this all out on my phone. I was at a family member's house for the funeral, and I did not have my computer on me.

COVER: 

I love the cover. It really ties into the title—and I love the dusty fire look of it. It really speaks to what might be in the book itself. Great job, did you make that yourself?

TITLE: 

Just fine! It makes me wonder why on earth is the bride reluctant? I can't wait to read and see if I can find out!

BLURB: 

Blllllllllllurrrrrrb time! Let's see. No issues that I could find. VERY right to the chase and wastes no time telling us what the story is about. I think that's great. I almost wonder what's wrong with this woman, too, and why she doesn't want to go back. Maybe her family is terrible? So much room for speculation and draws me to read your pages.

THOUGHTS ON PLOT, GRAMMAR, AND PACING:

Opening sentence doesn't work for me. I want to tweak it. Can we make it: "Wyrn knew one truth: the only truth his father ever told him." And then the truth isn't ever told. Or is it? I will have to read. If not, well that was anticlimactic...

Axe the comma on line three. Also, I can't get a clear picture of what's happening in my head here. Bustling around the table—what table? Dinner table, I'm guessing? I mean, probably, but I need more than that. What's on the table? Is it dinner time? Are they playing poker?

Next few lines: I feel like I am walking down a hallway and stumbling over books and bags reading this. Scan should be scanned in the first paragraph. *offers cake* YOU ASKED FOR THIS, LYNA. REMEMBER, YOU ARE DEAR TO ME.

Second paragraph, I have no idea what five to five means.

Reading forward...

Wryn? Wyrn?

Also, when the father enters, why is he just now entering? This is confusing.

Also, strong, red mane a little later on. Preference.

I had no idea the beginning was sort of a thought or reflection. Finding that out not soon after was a bit jolting to read. I think we can remedy this by making a smoother transition—or even a quick italicized memory at the beginning. Also, some of your sentences need to be joined together to make a paragraph. Sometimes (and I am sure you know this) a lone sentenced is used for emphasis on what you are saying, or like a punchline. Ah--you know what I mean. I'm failing to explain this thoroughly.

I feel bad for Wyrn. It makes me feel like I did in middle school all over again. Ugh, my heart breaks. I think you have done well in the sympathy department for your readers. It's so easy to like him and to want everybody else to p*ss off.

I would really for the surroundings to be fleshed out a bit. Use our five senses to give us a deeper, meaningful understanding of the world around Wyrn. I really want to see and hear and smell. Remember to show, don't tell. Show me the sun glistening off the city—what do the terrible smells smell like? Rancid? Sour? Decay? I need more than myriad. I think you have plenty of room here.

Hi, Dani from the future here. I'm adding to say that what I just stated in the previous paragraph can be applied to the end of chapter one as well. I feel like the meat and bones are there—we need some fat! Fat in the form of details. But not too many.

The moat seemed deeper than the very deepest pit of hell. Nice!

Comma after grimace when he gets knocked to the ground. Also, it's followed by hardly any full stops or commas. I think you need to break up that last very long sentence and rework it. What I would REALLY like to do here is go crazy with an actual red pen on this. I'm not even sure if I missed anything thus far—maybe, if I did, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to get a feel for the story and focus on that right now BUT keep my eye on things if I see them.

I feel incredibly bad that he got throw in with the pigs.

After maneuvering the donkey to turn, he decided to hold his head high as he walked out of there. I think we can get rid of decided to—I think this is implied since he is holding his head high.

What he met up on was the rude man from earlier. This read a bit wordy for me. Maybe we can rewrite?

Uhh why is the prince who is a jerk now talking about treasure? Crazy! Not a nitpick. Reaction to the scene here.

The next line is fire. Whatever you do, keep that line. It must be protected at all costs.

Very adequate kick to the family jewels that follows. 9/10 for execution, 8/10 for actually following through, and 10/10 for bravery. You would have got a 10/10 on execution if he was wearing steel toe boots. But, you know, those probably don't exist in this world.

Very interesting ending on chapter one. I really want to read to see what happens next. Onto the other chapters!

Ahh, they are rife with tensions and well-crafted sentences. The family dynamic is so strained—actually, it's really the Dad that sets me off for some reason. And I feel for Wyrn! The princess character is very interesting—I laughed when she tried to run off with his things, but was instantly worried for her safety when the two went their own way. But I was relieved she was alive towards the end of that chapter. Yay!

Actually, the following chapters are very clean and didn't stick out to me in any big way (in terms of nitpiks). I am actually enjoying the read and I look forward to continuing the story on my downtime! I added it to my private library. There really isn't much for me to say in your first four chapters that I have read—the only thing I might say is I would like to see more rich descriptions. But that is just me and my preferences—not every little detail jotted down or anything like that. But I would have liked to have seen more in those aspects.

You asked me to be harsh, I just hope this lives up to your expectations. Remember, all of this is meant with kindness and am I in no way trying to offend you or harp on your work!

Thank you so much for letting me take a look!

Dani