ʀᴇᴠɪᴇᴡ ꜱʜᴏᴘ

review | twenty one

ECHOES by AakritiPathak

Reviewer : DaniBrull

REVIEWER NOTE : 

I'm taking a deep dive into my reviews for the upcoming WATTYS. Even if you are not participating in the WATTYS, I still think my in depth comments could be helpful. Understand that these are my comments only just that--my comments, and if they don't fit with your story, disregard.

My comments are to make you think and reevaluate. I am in no way personally attacking or being mean--or calling out your ability to write at all. Half the time, my own writing sucks worse than what I see here. I want to see you all grow and blossom. Sometimes a wonderful story just needs dusting off. That's what I'm here for!

COVER :

I love the quote in the cover. I also think that it being grayscale fits with a psychological thriller. However, it was a bit hard to see what was on the cover. At first glance, it was very hard to see the girl there and the bird. It's still beautiful, though, and the style of it fits great.

TITLE :

I think Echoes sounds like a good title for this story.

BLURB :

Okay, you asked for my help here! So I am grabbing my welding torch and goggles and will see what I can come up with.

On one side, Anais is willing to give up on her life but at the same time, she is seeking help from an illusion.

What you see underlined, I would axe. It would make it: Anais is willing to give up on her life, so she seeks help from an illusion.

But then we are left with the question, if she is giving up on life, why would she bother seeking help from an illusion? Maybe she isn't QUITE ready yet—maybe she has some spark left in her. Or maybe, she has something worth fighting for even though she wants to give up. You mentioned that she was a psychologist. Maybe she is too proud to go like this? You know better, it's your story. I'm just giving you some ideas!

The phantom figure might just be another mind game, a set-up by her abductors...or there might be a possibility for it to be real!

I think this is great, you can leave it as is. For such a tough subject about losing your will to go on, I would remove the exclamation point. I know we are trying to convey excitement here, but I think it would fit the tone of your story best without it.

Once labelled as one of the top psychologists worldwide, now she has to differentiate between the blurred lines of reality and illusion.

I would move "now" after she. Also, aren't blurred lines of reality kind of like the illusion in this world? Maybe you mean: she now has to differentiate between the illusion and her crumpling mental state (or something like that), to make them more different. If that makes sense.

For the last line of your blurb, I would make the and sign simply and.

Hope this helps! Also, this sounds like such a wild ride!

PLOT DEVELOPMENT :

Okay, chapter one, wow, wow, wow. I mean, awesome. It pulled at my heartstrings so much! I was physically tense reading it. And at the end, when I found out why she couldn't speak, I immediately felt so protective. You did amazingly in the first chapter. Oh, it gets worse. Much worse for our protagonist. I mean, it's like psychological torture with the fake drugging and the placebo effect. Makes me wonder what this guy gets from this and why he spent so much money getting her. 

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT :

Our protagonist is losing their reality. It seems slow, but it's brutal. The man in the car who only adds to her suffering is an interesting, dark character. But right now, I have no idea what his motives are.

GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION :

In your opening scene on your first chapter, fog covered should be fog-covered. Sorry! Little nitpick. Chapter two, I noticed this line: I watched frozen as you gripped the steering of the car tightly, your face started becoming red; giving your sandy complexion a darker look. I would change it to: I watched, frozen, as you gripped the steering of the car tightly, your face becoming red; giving your sandy complexion a darker look. Started becoming can simply be becoming. I added some commas.

FLOW/READABILITY : 

Everything flows and reads quite well. There were no issues with flow or readability. You nailed this.

OVERALL VIEW :

This was a very tense and dark read. I feel like my emotional compass has been through an intense workout. There were a few points where I wasn't completely sure I understood what was happening, but I think that may have been the point? Overall, I think this is a deliciously dark read and thriller lovers are going to fall for it. I really hope she does escape at some point. But I know it won't be that easy like chapter five leads us to believe!